I think this is going to need some hammering out, hd.
I see some fuzzy thinking here.
"Getting it back on the table" seems kind of pointless if that's all there is to it (and I know there is more... just thinking out loud-- well, you know what I mean...)
"What are WE going to do about this?" As far as she is concerned there is no we. Anyway your message can't be a question.
"This is a make or break issue..." I can just hear her: "Are you threatening me? Do you think that threats are going to make me want to have sex with you? Bullying does not turn me on!" A statement like "make or break" has to have TEETH in it-- and even then, she probably won't budge.
Obviously your ultimate goal is to get her to change in some way, even if that change only amounts to acknowledging that your wanting more sex is a legitimate issue. Frankly I don't think you will EVER get her to agree that this is a legitimate issue.
I don't think your primary/overt goal can be to get her to change. I don't even think it's a legitimate goal that she "get" your message.
It seems to me this can go one of two ways... and I hope someone can come up with more than two ways, because I don't think you're going to like either one of these.
I do not think you can hope to change her mind about anything or get her to agree to your pov or even to to agree that your pov is legitimate/reasonable. Perhaps the only goal you can reasonably hope to achieve is to clearly express what concrete behavior you want from her in the sex/intimacy department.
1. One path: you want to schedule a sex date for once a week. You commit to this and you want her to commit to it. Period. No justification. No defense. She doesn't have to agree that this is a worthy goal. All she has to do is agree to do it.
But then comes the kicker: "OR WHAT?"
Or you will move to the basement? Have an affair? File for divorce? Hate her guts? Divorce her emotionally while still living under the same roof?
(My aunt and uncle have been married to each other over 30 years and THEY DO NOT SPEAK TO EACH OTHER. The live together, they have children, and they only communicate through the children. They do not sleep together or address each other directly. Weird but true.)
2. The other option is the Cobra Approach. Once again you ask her to commit to a schedule. You tell her you are going to bring this up every morning and every evening until she does AND follows through. You will never let the subject drop. You will not take no for an answer. She will hear about it every day, at least twice a day, until she agrees to the schedule. You will never grow tired of bringing it up. You can withstand her anger, the cold shoulder, sarcasm, Buddhist aphorisms*-- the only way to shut you up will be to agree to the schedule.
I think baking her a cake is a really BAD idea. Too grovelly. If you want to bake her a cake for Valentine's, fine. But don't link it with The Talk. Make those two events separate and unconnected.
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* It makes me livid when people twist spiritual/religious concepts and use them to justify their cruel behavior. Your W is no more a Buddhist than I am Bernadette Peters/Julianne Moore (in this life... maybe in the next). She should be ashamed for using Buddhism, a philosophy of love and acceptance to justify shutting you out emotionally.
Tell me again why you want to fcuk this cold-hearted woman?
