The Girl With the Weight of the World in Her Hands

[believing_isaiah43]

Hi friends. LONG AND WINDING ROAD post ahead. Journaling and Thought Splatting:

Tough week. Monthly cycle doesn't help. Reigning in all emotions 'publicly' but they churn underneath. Just a heavy weight of melancholy about the lack of R in my M. Coparenting, that's all. Pleasant. Civil.

I touch, he doesn't touch back.

I hug (on occasion, just for the feel of skin) and he doesn't hug back.

I watch him at times while he's doing something b/c of the 'draw' you have to look at someone important to you. He doesn't look at me, even when I'm walking naked to the dresser. Not interested in me at all. (and I could kick my year-ago's ass for looking good, thankyouverymuch. I'd do me!)

A tough pill to swallow.

At C appt. discussed many things, and state of the (non)union. At the end of the hour(+), my C (our former MC until H stopped going) asked how long I'm willing to stay, work on myself, and see what happens. Without hesitation, I said "a year" and she nodded and said she could agree to that.

Then she said that if nothing had changed in a year, she would advise me to go. On further reflection, that really threw me for a mini-loop, b/c this C is Christian and very pro-M with the exception of abuse, etc, but I guess the fact that I am getting no effort or reassurance or 'engage'ment of any sort from H negates the M after a time? I am dubious of the 'leg' to stand on to call it quits here in 2008, except for the A (biblically, I mean). I'm uncertain, and as we were at the end (and over) of the appt. time, I didn't persue that line of thought. But I will. Of course that's 11 months and counting from now! Just really surprised me.

Called H from work last night per usual (or he calls me), which is fine. We usually don't talk about anything but kids/business, but last night he said it was a hard week for him, and mentioned some annual events occuring at his former job going on now have depressed him this week. I listened and empathised (sp?) -because I do- and it segued into an HOUR long discussion about how he still cannot let go of the hurt by these former team members/friends, and how they have all turned their backs on him. Everyone he considered to be loyal to him judged him on this one act, not his entire history as a man/friend/husband and betrayed him. I am included in this list. And he isn't sure that he can ever get over me turning him in to his boss without confronting him first.

I have known for a while that he's not forgiven me for that. He disagrees, thinks he has forgiven but cannot forget it. And it's vice-versa for me with his A. We are both hurt and betrayed, and uncertain of the other - and whether we can ever (truly, not just surface) get over it. Even now. After a year out, it still moves just under the surface of all that we do and feel, I think. I thought he was further past it, but he's not. I validated his feelings, as much as I can as a party to his pain. And he mine.

I didn't cry or defend, or get upset with where his head is. I'm just sad about it. I told him that if he could never get past that, I understood it. (Frankly, I just really want to KNOW and have that damn question answered. But those kind of answers don't happen immediately) He said he just doesn't know. I can't blame him for those answers, they are just hard to hear. Welcome to more Limbo, being married to a greased pig - can't get a handle on him, so quit trying to hold on to him. SO hard.

My prayers lately have consisted of asking God to pry my white knuckles off of my hurt and pain. That He would open my fingers one by one and help me truly LET GO of the outcome and all that I am clutching so fiercely. My pain is so ever-present, like a little black cloud when I am around him. I don't want that. I have also prayed that for H too, to be able to unclench his fists from all his hurts. When I told him of that, he thanked me a lot for praying for that. For what it's worth.

I don't know sometimes if he will ever see me in a positive light anymore. The pain of that thought is so BIG that I have automatically dulled it to something I can't look at face on. I think about it briefly and move on. I've actually started to 'dwell' a bit in the last day or so on things that annoy me about him. Or things I do NOT love about him, in an effort to dull my aching love for him. I know that may sound weird. I am NOT in the market to become a WAW, let me just clarify that. But I have to dull this pain of rejection: first the A, and then this CONTINUED rejection in my own house, by the lack of wanting an R with me.

He has said in the past (forgive me if I'm repeating myself) that he does not trust me (our lack of trust runs two ways here. fun, fun). That my cycle of psycho-bitch behavior could surface again at any moment, and all prior cycles have hurt him deeply and pushed him very far away from wanting to be with me/pursue me. Check. I understand that. Doesn't make it any less frustrating to be doing "penance" for my M sins.

We're living in a vacuum. Not doing anything together, not trying to work out our problems by being in MC, just being way too passive IMO about improving anything. He's just sitting on the sidelines (in his own imploded world of hurt) and waiting to see if it's safe. And while I don't think I'll get my Crazy on here anymore, I'm not sure that it will EVER be long enough for H to feel safe, after so many years of attacking/disrespectful behavior on my part. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't know.

But.

None of this puts God in the equation, and it's easy to leave Him out of the situation when it looks so bleak. To think He's not big enough to fool with this f-ed up mess. Or that He's big enough, but perhaps he just won't move in this M, that His plan is for something else. Trying to jump ahead and figure out His will, what He may or may not do, or what is going to happen in our hearts, is just crazy-making.

I have an underlying belief system about the timeline. Accurate or not, it helps me get thru the days. 2006 was H's year of repentence. 2007 is mine. 2008 with tell the tale. 1 month down, 11 more to go.

Last week was one year since H ended the A and all contact with OW. I didn't want to have a parade or anything, but I did want to acknowledge what he did, w/out a lot of pressure about our R attached to it. So I bought him a card. I'll tell you what it said in a minute, but he never acknowledged it verbally, via email. nothing. I left it on his pillow for him to find when he came to bed, as he still is very much keeping Vampire hours here. But he did have it up on the sink for a few days and then moved it to his nightstand on display. But never said a word about it. Not really like him, but it's like he turned a dimmer switch down when it comes to me. That his awareness of me is less and less. Within the last day or two, the card is no longer on display but in his drawer.

Here's what the card text said: "Blessed are the available. Blessed are the conduits, the tunnels, the tools. Deliriously joyful are the ones who believe that if God has used sticks and rocks to do His will, then He can use us. Max Lucado" Inside the card had a "Thank You"

Then I wrote:
H, One year ago I wrote 1John2:17 in my journal. One year ago you chose to let God be bold in your weakness and did something courageous. I still find it extraordinary and I still want to thank you for it.
Thank you for choosing us. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for choosing to be available to the Lord so he can make you more like Him, and the man he wants you to be.
I admire you for it, and I appreciate you.
BI
The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. 1John2:17

Last year flew by. I expect this one will too, in retrospect. Slogging thru the days is long, and sometimes the weight of fear or lonliness or grieving what is NOT, is so heavy on my heart. But the day passes and another comes behind it. Some of them have a hug and kiss from my S6 and D7 that are perfectly timed. Or some other God McNugget that help me get thru one more hour (or more).

I'm sure I had more points/thoughts, but that was a lot to throw out of my head just in one sitting. My time at work has been busy and I've been trying to make sense of things in small pieces of time. This is the first decent chunk of time I've had, and I'm not sure I've made sense here to anyone but myself, but I needed to just regurgitate on the page for a bit. So thanks for following along.