"With the former, you miss it and just end up feeling more crappy about what a loser you are."
Low self-esteem type reaction.
"Looks like Wednesday, February 14, is "go" day."
Isn't that Valentine's Day? Or am I in bizzaro land again.
"Anyway, I figure that, to calm down any possibility of hard feelings, I'd bake her a cake. I think her favorite is dark chocolate."
Supplicating and not congruent with your feelings.
"It's just that, given the choice between bringing up the sex-less marriage talk, and, say, sticking red-hot needles in my eyes, it's a no-brainer. Fire up that needle kiln."
Conflict avoidance, couched in humor for sure, but still ...
Maybe it is just me, but if you want your W to take you seriously on this issue, there needs to be no conflict avoidance, no placating, no low self-esteem, and minimal humor.
Hey, not trying to bust your balls, I could say the exact same things about how I tend to handle things. Just food for thought.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Chrom, I started to respond, and then thought, is he totally messin' with me? Points made and taken regarding low self esteem type reactions, and conflict avoidance, but, uh, yeah, I know it's Valentine's day, and uh, the chocolate cake thing was a reference to last year's Valentine's Day.
Hdog, I am very proud of you. Instead of acting further on those affair feelings, you came back to the board to figure things out, and now you are gearing up to confront W again. That is really cool.
Martelo: She already went on the retreat. Yes, she is a practicing Buddhist. She uses my (I think very reasonable) desire for sex as a perfect example of an "attachment" which causes me "suffering."
Lil:My goal is to get this issue back on the table, in front of her, so that she can't continue to ignore it, think that I'm okay with it, etc. The message is, what are WE going to do about this? The message I want her to get is, "he is not going to let this go this time. He means business. This is a 'make or break' issue with him. He's not going to accept my deflection any more."
Thanks, lil. I needed to think about that, and see it in writing.
I think this is going to need some hammering out, hd.
I see some fuzzy thinking here.
"Getting it back on the table" seems kind of pointless if that's all there is to it (and I know there is more... just thinking out loud-- well, you know what I mean...)
"What are WE going to do about this?" As far as she is concerned there is no we. Anyway your message can't be a question.
"This is a make or break issue..." I can just hear her: "Are you threatening me? Do you think that threats are going to make me want to have sex with you? Bullying does not turn me on!" A statement like "make or break" has to have TEETH in it-- and even then, she probably won't budge.
Obviously your ultimate goal is to get her to change in some way, even if that change only amounts to acknowledging that your wanting more sex is a legitimate issue. Frankly I don't think you will EVER get her to agree that this is a legitimate issue.
I don't think your primary/overt goal can be to get her to change. I don't even think it's a legitimate goal that she "get" your message.
It seems to me this can go one of two ways... and I hope someone can come up with more than two ways, because I don't think you're going to like either one of these.
I do not think you can hope to change her mind about anything or get her to agree to your pov or even to to agree that your pov is legitimate/reasonable. Perhaps the only goal you can reasonably hope to achieve is to clearly express what concrete behavior you want from her in the sex/intimacy department.
1. One path: you want to schedule a sex date for once a week. You commit to this and you want her to commit to it. Period. No justification. No defense. She doesn't have to agree that this is a worthy goal. All she has to do is agree to do it.
But then comes the kicker: "OR WHAT?"
Or you will move to the basement? Have an affair? File for divorce? Hate her guts? Divorce her emotionally while still living under the same roof?
(My aunt and uncle have been married to each other over 30 years and THEY DO NOT SPEAK TO EACH OTHER. The live together, they have children, and they only communicate through the children. They do not sleep together or address each other directly. Weird but true.)
2. The other option is the Cobra Approach. Once again you ask her to commit to a schedule. You tell her you are going to bring this up every morning and every evening until she does AND follows through. You will never let the subject drop. You will not take no for an answer. She will hear about it every day, at least twice a day, until she agrees to the schedule. You will never grow tired of bringing it up. You can withstand her anger, the cold shoulder, sarcasm, Buddhist aphorisms*-- the only way to shut you up will be to agree to the schedule.
I think baking her a cake is a really BAD idea. Too grovelly. If you want to bake her a cake for Valentine's, fine. But don't link it with The Talk. Make those two events separate and unconnected.
_________________________
* It makes me livid when people twist spiritual/religious concepts and use them to justify their cruel behavior. Your W is no more a Buddhist than I am Bernadette Peters/Julianne Moore (in this life... maybe in the next). She should be ashamed for using Buddhism, a philosophy of love and acceptance to justify shutting you out emotionally.
Tell me again why you want to fcuk this cold-hearted woman?
