don't get it! Help!

[cat03]

your sitch sounds so much like mine, I'm also a full time mom w/2 kids and my H had an A w/a coworker. Sounds like your H is having a MLC.

He blames his unhappiness on me.

Yep, that's how it begins, the anger stage, where everything was the other S's fault, dont' let him get to you, it takes 2 to tangle, and as I'm sure you had your share in the demise of the M so does he. It blind sided me when my H left, but only until then did I take a HARD look at myself, and what did I see? a person who constantlly nagged, criticize, told my H what to do. Didnt' treat him like the man of the house, didn't put him as a priority, too tired to have sex w/him and rather spent time w/kids.
It took such a blow for me to realize this things. I'm saying this so you can also see what happened in your M, and we both know it wasn't the dishes nor the laundry.

When men feel rejected and at the brink then they do something stupid like have an A, not because they hate their S, but because they are trying to quench a thirst for attention, the newness of a new R without complicatin blinds them.

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How do I get him to see the big picture and what effect this is having on our children?
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Listen to me, you CANT make him do anything, sometimes women take their Hs for granted and expect them to do this and that. Right now your H is on a course in which he has to reach rock bottom for him to actually see that the OW is only a bandaid and the HE has a share in the strain of your M, that it wasn't only you. My H's anger stage lasted a few months, so hang in there and dont' hold your breath hon.

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I wonder if him seeing me with another man would jar him any.
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Yea, he'll just put another 1000miles between you two, and you would have scoop down to his same low level, I hope you were just kidding when you said that. Remember, his mind is a fried egg right now, dont' you make a stupid move like he did, your kids need at least one DECENT responsible parent, and right one, that's you.

Work on yourself, detach detach detach. Keep being kind, show him what he could be coming home too. I know is hard, I know it hurts and that every morning is hell. But it will get better, hang in there. KNOW that you can make it on your own,with or without him, you were a whole person before you met him, you can be one again.

The OW is just a distraction, pretty soon when the novelty wears off he'll see OW for what she is. How long this will last? Hard to tell, supposedly an A lasts 7mts or so, though by many posters here I see that it can be a yr or more.
My H's A lasted about 6mths on an off, he OW finally saw that my H was using her as a crutch and all his web of lies caugh up w/him.

In the meantime I always looked nice, was a friend to him and in the end that's what he says made him try again, that I was the only one who truly cared for him. He'd talked to me when he was depressed, I never talked R w/him unless he'd bring it up, I let him know that I'd be there for him.

Decide each day to be happy for you and your kids, your H right now is in la-la land, dont' wait on him. I highly recommend you join a woman's support group IRL or see a C, it saved my sanity to do both. You do need to vent and talk your hurt out.

You'll be fine kissak, you can make it.