My husband wants alot of quickie sex. I have asked him to slow down, to kiss me, hug me, try a different position, etc. but he just laughs and ignores me. It makes me feel like he is using me as a masturbator and not at all interested in pleasing me. I have literally begged him to kiss me passionately but haven't gotten that kiss. If I reject him, it's world war III. I have ordered the book SSM and it should arrive next week. I am looking for quality. We have had lots of issues and I have worked with your coach Joanne. I have my goals for 2007 written out, and they seem like something that should almost be "understood". I would like to be really (2 arms, with strength) hugged each day. I would like to be really kissed once each day. I would like foreplay once a week that feels good to me. I am not sure why he doesn't believe me when I tell him I really need these things.
I posted yesterday, but today was even more depressing. We were going to work, and I went over for a hug. He gave me one arm, no pressure. I hugged him tight with 2 arms and said (probably shouldn't have), "I haven't gotten that great kiss I asked you for." His response, "I am sorry that I disappoint you every day." What would be wrong with him just hugging me tight with 2 arms and some feeling, and a kiss that feels like a husband is kissing me and not a casual friend??????????????
I haven't got time just at present to say more, but I will later. I don't think one can isolate sex from emotional intimacy and it is the later that seems to be a common problem with men. As I'm dealing with the fall out of a long period when my emotional intimacy was dysfunctional, I can speak with personal experience. However, our sex life has been consistently good but it could have been magically better if I had stayed more connected with my inner person.
OK now more time to be reflective - long post. I can only draw from my personal experiences during my life (I am 62 years young).
I think many men are brought up to believe that being emotionally open is a poor strategy. Let's face it, our male life is filled with competition (sport, work, etc.). Our parents usually bring boys up to be strong, bite-your-lip sort of people and, on top of that, most of the images that we see about men reinforce the equation that macho equals manliness.
Being brought up with 4 sisters meant that women have always been the stronger influence in my life and, generally, I find women easier to get on with than men.
However, my father dying when I had just turned 12 and then putting up with about 3 years of bullying at school pretty quickly wired me up to understand that not showing emotions was the best way to survive the world.
My first wife was (still is) a kind and caring women who didn't ask for a lot of emotion for me so that marriage lasted for 16 years before it died a natural death. I then met a beautiful American women in New Jersey and it was an intense, romantic affair full of emotions before it failed. Ergo, once again I learnt that showing emotions led to pain.
Then there were a couple more relationships where they were fuelled by my intense emotions and they also ended in lots of pain.
So when I finally met my dear, sweet wife and knew that this was the woman I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, deep down in my subconcious a voice said keep control of your emotions otherwise this will also end in pain.
So J and I have had 11 years of really great love making and these are my conclusions:
1. If you are a man that is uncomfortable with emotional intimacy then it really must be dealt with or all your relationships will be prone to failure as most women really need this intimacy. Loving your woman is not enough!
2. Both genders must never use sex as a bargaining tool or a reward/punishment process. I think women are more prone to this as they know the real power that rests with them.
3. If a man is losing interest in sex then unless he is honest with himself as to the reasons why, his partner can't deal with it.
4. If a woman is missing sex from her partner she should be honest about the reasons why. Early on in my relationship with J we discussed how we would deal with one of us wanting sex when the other didn't. We came up with a number of tactics which meant that it was rare for one not to turn on the other during such an instance. Happy to discuss these tactics in another post.
5. Ultimately, most sexual problems probably stem from low self-worth but I'm just an amateur therapist so it may be rubbish! But Michele's book and others all focus on looking inwards for the answers to relationship problems.
Finally, in case any of you think that I'm bomb-proof then read my post here. Thank goodness, though, we have had a great sex life as it is one of the strong links that seems to be keeping us connected.
Barnside- I'm starting a thread for you below, as your story may get lost in this thread, which is mostly for introductions. (SPL, suggest you also start a thread of your own.)
I have been married for 2 months now but our problem did not start after we were married. In fact, it began about a year and a half after we were together. At first everything was great ML came naturally but then the intervals between ML became increasingly longer. I would do everything I could think of to help get him in the mood, and then I decided to just let it be and wait for him to initiate a session (big mistake - I waited for an entire year and even then, now that I think about it, I was the one who could not take it any more.) I have tried to talk with him and be supportive. Everything would be okay for a while after we talk and then it would start to fizzle again, as if he were only accomodating me to shut me up! When he ask me to marry him I was apprehensive but hopeful since one of his reasons for not ML was to avoid having children before marriage and I figured it might get better once we were married. It did get better for about three weeks we were ML everyday and I could not have been happier. It was not me it was him and his worry of pre-marital children....but that did not last!!! I do not know what to do he will not talk about it and every time he ask me what is wrong and I tell him he shuts down. He says its because thats all i complain about and in my mind thats because it never changes. I need help or my marriage will not see a first anniversary!
Hi FO- Welcome aboard this leaky boat. You are among friends. You're not the only person with this problem, and not the only WOMAN with this problem. My bf and I ML twice last year...
I'm going to start a thread for you below where it will be easier for people to find.
How about some background... ages, how long you've been together, first marriage for both? You mentioned that your bf/h was concerned about children before marriage-- does this mean there are religious objections to artificial birth control (there are others in this forum with those values).
I have been married almost 8 years. We have 3 beautiful boys that we love so so much. I am a second wife for him, he's my first marriage. There were no children from his previous marriage.
According to him, he was enjoying being married and after 8 years, she filed for divorce "out of the blue" and hurt him to the core. He says she was acting weird one morning, he asked what was wrong and she told him she wanted a divorce, without explanation. I know there are 2 sides to every story, and I feel like I am reliving the other side of that story--HER side!
What I see as our main problem: He is never and I mean NEVER interrested in sex. I initiate always. Even on our honeymoon, I was making comments and requests to go to the hotel and stay at the hotel and on and on. He would just look at me and smile and say, "But we won't be here again for a long time, lets just shop!"
There has ALWAYS been an excuse for why he doesn't want to be intimate. He will keep busy by watching TV, working in the garage or yard, running errands or just flat out refusing any invitations for sex. I have put on the purfume and neglege, put the kids to bed, massaged him and then BAM! He says, No, I don't want to tonight and roll over and go to sleep. I have cried myself to sleep so many times that it isn't funny. I am now to the point of avoiding bedtime and taking sleeping pills so I don't lay awake at night listening to him snoring and wanting to smack him for hurting me so many times without thought of my feelings. The last few weeks, we've had annual sex, whether we needed it or not...
We have been to several marriage counselors and he always bluffs them and pretends all is well and I am overreacting. I feel like an unpaid, co-existing roommate that does his cooking and laundry and takes care of his kids. They have all ended the sessions saying we must just be experiencing "normal growing pains" of a relationship. We did go to a pretty good counselor but she told me that I needed to find something ELSE that would satisfy me emotionally since he didn't want sex. Hello!!! Isn't that why we "mate?"
When we are alone, we rarely talk about anything serious that's not about the kids or gossip about someone else. He is very aware of being appropriate in all situations. He says the right things at the right times and he is very friendly and helpful to everyone else but me. So I think that his "lip service" of saying he loves me every morning before going to work and every night before going to bed is another of his social graces and isn't backed up by any hard evidence.
As far as our history of love relationships for us: His parents are very mean with each other and don't have anything nice to say about the other. They sleep in separate bedrooms, have separate vacations and bank accounts and got 3 dogs after the kids were grown so they could have something in common again. I told him that we would NOT be like them, but guess what! My parents are very loving and very affectionate. They talk about everything and are very happy. They work out problems and are always seen holding hands and kissing even after 30 years!
I have always been the one in our relationship to smoothe everything over and suck it up to make HIS life easier and happier. I promised him when we were married that I wouldn't hurt him like SHE hurt him by springing divorce on him. I knew that I had enough love to heal him. But now, I am to the point of seriously considering separation and/or divorce.
I can't get past the fear that we will get divorced and I will hurt him AND my kids. But I am also "mad as hell" about his neglecting me emotionally. The boys love their dad to pieces and I don't feel strong enough to tear our family apart but I am definately not strong enough to stay in it either. I'm just tired of feeling so alone! HE can't be happy with the way things are either because he always seems close to his boiling point just like I am. But he seems content to not talk or do anything to make things better. So I'm stuck in my rut of "sucking it up" to not make waves.
What the root question I want an answer to is: WHY does he not want to connect with me on MORE than a superficial level and expecially sexually? Does he love me enough to do a 180? But how do you talk to someone about why they don't want sex when we barely talk about the weather? You can't talk someone into loving you back... and reciprocity is also VITAL, I'm finding!
One main reason I would leave: My boys will eventually figure out that we're not so into each other and I'm terrified that they will see our relationship and go and do the same to some other poor woman!!!
Amen and amen. This is how my marriage started! And 8 years later... still the same. If I could do it all over again, I wished I could have read Michelle's books. I would highly recommend trying a divorce busting coach. I would but I don't have the money. There are many reasons men won't initiate or aren't interrested in sex that actually have NOTHING to do with you: Side effects of medications, low testosterone level, low self-esteem or poor body image, fear of not pleasing you, stress outside the bedroom, money issues, etc. 99% of a man's desire seems to be in his head. Just get help now... That's my advice because it definately doesn't get better by itself and please, please, please don't have kids until things are better between you. It makes it a little better initially and then it goes back to the same old thing but worse! Not to be negative, but the sooner you get help the better!
Don't know if Michelle is still collecting for the book or not after so long, but here is my story.
My H. strangely enough is a sex addict. Exposed to inapropriate images at age 8 and adult movies by age 10 led him to act out by age 16. By age 20 he was in the prison system (he had a 14 year old girlfriend). He was in therapy with other sex addicts, completed a few programs - yet he had never actually had intercourse.
10 years of therapy managed to screw his head back on - but this time a little too tight. As soon as he got out he was on a mission to get as much sex as he could. That period lasted about 3 years until he hit rock bottom and decided to clean up his life. Mostly for religious purposes. Not an easy process. I met him after all of this. During the years we were dating he was constantly touching me. He had self control but the raging hormones were there. The first year of marriage was perfect. He initiated, I initiated. I loved it.
Then the dry times came. When I'd ask he kept telling me that I needed to initiate more, but when I did he got overly sensitive and asked me to stop. I'd watch for opportune moments to try, but generally he was stuck in the television or something else. I wondered if he was doing an abstinance thing to try to get over some relapse or something but he claimed it wasn't the case. I thought that maybe I just wasn't "it" anymore as happens to most porn addicts. He said that wasn't it either. Fantasy wasn't anywhere near as nice as reality for him. I'd ask him about it and he would just say he was waiting for the "mood" to hit.
Frankly I'm stumped. Either he is lying. Doesn't care for me like that any more. Is doing some kind of self penance. Is Depressed. Has just worn his sex drive out. I don't know. I just know he isn't the same guy I was thrilled by the first few years of my relationship.
I was thrilled because my ex was the complete opposite of what I had grown to hope for in my H. It took my ex 6 months and repeated invitations to touch me "down there". 3 months after we were married we went for a month without sex and it only went down hill from there. I asked him once about the big "M" and he said he'd tried it when he was younger and wasn't interested. As far as I could see he never looked at internet porn or anthing else in/appropriate either - including me naked. He was like some kind of abstinent monk or something. Toward the end of the marriage he refused to even touch me, even though I left that avenue open, because he was afraid he'd get me pregnant - and hey there is no honor in leaving a child... the mother is a different story I guess.
It is frustrating. The stereotypical male stud always wanting sex I'm beginning to think only exists until age 25. After that it's just easier and perhaps emotionally safer for them to take care of their needs themselves. Sad you can't come anywhere near building a strong marriage that way.
