My wife has a higher sex drive. However it is at "inappropriate" times. Right when I walk in the door after a hard day of work, after she has been drinking, etc. She has three teenage kids from a previous marriage and I'm uncomfortable with the way she is when I get home and then when the kids go to their father's house (every two weeks for two weeks) there is no sex drive in her and she spends her time playing video games, smoking and drinking beer. So yes, my sex drive has become lower. Now she is making rude comments about me not finding her attrative etc and I have actually told her about my feelings (see above) but she just dismisses that as nonsense and that makes me feel "unheard" Can you see the viscious cycle......Suggestions please.
Why don't you post a thread here and we'll see if we can offer some help. First of all I can't tell if you believe that your W has a drinking problem or not. If she does, then you need to seek help through Al-Anon or a counselor for yourself or something. Sex isn't the issue.
If you ignored your W sexually before you may need to be honest with yourself about that. As for "inappropriate" times, many people who are HD find this to be an excuse more than a real "reason". For example, if we haven't had sex for weeks on end I don't consider it "inappropriate" for us to say to the kids "watch the baby, Mom and Dad are going to lay down for an hour" - H probably does.
My point? I think there are probably multiple issues that have to be addressed. One is certainly the drinking, one is spending some time together instead of watching her smoke and play video games, a third is that she probably experiences some situational depression when the kids are gone and that needs to be addressed, a fourth is identifying what really drives you sexually and becoming a sexual partner in your own marriage. "Passionate Marriage", "The Sex Starved Marriage" and many other books can help. Good luck.
Your help is appreciated. I just ordered the book "The Sex-Starved Marriage". Yes....we have been having problems other than sex. I'm involved in a minor lawsuit. Her ex-husband (an OB-GYN) hasn't paid his child-support in almost a year and we found out a month ago (through the local newspaper) that he hasn't filed a tax return since 2001. Her oldest child is getting ready to go to college and he may not be able to go....etc. etc. etc. She has been drinking more since we found this out. Last weedk she drank 20 beers in two days. I like to have a beer or two but I see a problem. As far as how often we have sex, it is maybe once a week but if I don't "do" something she wants she can be highly critical. That does nothing for my self-esteem. I moved into our lake house (temporarily) last Thursday but she has told me that she will be moving out of our house next Thursday or Friday because I don't find her physically attractive. There are so many things.
We have had our ups and downs these last 18 months (we've been married 30 months) but this is something new. I have been to a counselor at least 15 times but she doesn't want to go to any marriage counselor, or minister. I am at wits end....More suggestions.....
To post a new thread go under the Sex Starved Marriage forum and click "Post Thread" write your story and click. That gives you your own space and others will check in and give thoughts. Sounds like there is a lot to confront here, not the least of which is that it sounds like you two are in effect, "separating" - so, I would look at "Divorce Busting" too - there are some specific strategies that might help. If you want to preserve the M I would suggest that you talk to your W ASAP and make at least an agreement to both live the same house and work on things. Maybe even table the sex for a few months. Also, call a DB coach who can give specific, goal oriented suggestions. I think you are at a pretty important crossroad at the moment.
Hi Michelle, My name is Debra and am a 44 yr old woman who just got married for the first time ever on the 7th October 2006.My husband used to make love to me all the time before we got married and he now says that he doesn't anymore due to his back pain. I should explain...he has had a very bad car accident leaving several fractures in his spine and takes morphine injections daily.This however never stopped him before.He says he wants to make me happy but I am so frustrated with the lack of making love which we do on a basis between once every 8-11 days.He also says that he doesn't want it often so it will be special and so I won't get bored with him.I tell him I never get bored with him making love to me and miss it when it's once in a while. I don't know what to do....I get so highly strung and have to deliberatetly turn off from any physical feelings and emotions and numb myself so I don't go crazy.I just feel like he is making excuses up as whenever I tell him his thoughts aren't true and if he really did want to please me he would.It just goes round and round in circles.PLEASE HELP!We love each other so much and just don't know what to do anymore. Frustrated Wife Deb
Deb, welcome aboard this leaky boat. I'm going to start a thread for you below, as people usually just use this one to introduce themselves. The board is sometimes slow on the weekend, so you may not get many responses until Monday. You are among people who understand, believe me.
I have waisted my whole life being married and having no sex for the 18 years and maybe only once a year before that. The first 2 years were more normal but still not really. The pain and shame has affected every part of my life and I am still married to this man of 30 years.. we hve no relationship really. It is one of economic convience. We have 2 children and a grandchild and I see that my life was just a loss for me. Now he is disabled and cannot perform because medically unable. He had no real interest anyway. I thought it was me and internalized it my whole adult life thinking that all men were suppose to be hot all the time. It was a lonly isolated life. sleeping alone too. he had sleep problems so we had to have seperate rooms. I fought and cried and cried and fought for nothing but myself presevation. I then began to accept that this was my fate. alone in a marriage that really was not a marriage. I would like out but at this part and time I can't afford it and I am scared. It makes no sense. I was attractive but my spirit has gone out years ago and along with my youth and beauty. I became uncomfortable around men and could not think about normal relationship and felt very self-concious and hiddious. I hate my husband for what he did and used me and what I allowed him to waste my life and time. He loved me for having a maid and a mother and caregiver... Other than that I was a aprogressive and intelligent woman who was educated and tried to keep up with things. this has warped my whole image so I just denied for many years that anything was wrong. Denial of many aspects of my life.
I feel stumped because my H's sex drive did not deteriorate with time. It was never really there. He grew up in a home that had very repressed, negative views toward sex. He has been with other women but only when he was drinking. He had a fiance for 5 years previous to me that would not have sex with him due to her own childhood sexual abuse issues.
We met when I was 19 and he was 24. We married 2.5 years later. The first 3 years we were together was long distance so I didn't notice it as much but even then he wouldn't rush to make love after we had been apart for a while. It has always been one excuse after another usually coming back to he is too tired.
We have consistently done it aprox 3 times a month for the past 10 years when we were together. He has told me he just doesn't think about it. He will accept oral sex and give it when we do have intercourse but he hates to be touched anywhere else and says it tickles, even massages. Kissing is almost obsolete. I never initiate anymore b/c it hurts to much to be turned down 99% of the time. I have tried sexy lingerie, date night, everything and he just finds excuses or delays it, I get angry, he gives in, and then I don't enjoy the experience as it always feels like "pity" sex.
We are best friends and I know he loves me, and I certainly love him, but I cannot help feeling angry and cheated. My self-esteem is completely shot no matter what I tell myself. Whenever we dicuss it (which involves me crying and ranting on about how empty and worthless he is making me feel) he takes full responsibility, promises to do better, to go to the Dr., he promises the world, but never follows through for longer than a day. It is getting to the point after 7 years of marriage that I am starting to resent him. I am so sick of crying myself to sleep at night and holding onto the hope that he will one day start communicating his real feelings so we can build intimacy between us and hoping the sex will follow!
We have a toddler and I want to avoid D at all costs! Also my H is a great provider, father, friend, and a genuinely good person. I do believe he loves me, I have mentioned a seperation over this and he freaked out and begged me to give him a chance to do better, but he still didn't change. I have read the Sex-Starved Marriage 3 times and my husband read the first page, he came running out had sex with me and it has stayed on his nightstand for 6 months and he refuses to read it. Using the he is too tired excuse as usual.
My husband wants alot of quickie sex. I have asked him to slow down, to kiss me, hug me, try a different position, etc. but he just laughs and ignores me. It makes me feel like he is using me as a masturbator and not at all interested in pleasing me. I have literally begged him to kiss me passionately but haven't gotten that kiss. If I reject him, it's world war III. I have ordered the book SSM and it should arrive next week. I am looking for quality. We have had lots of issues and I have worked with your coach Joanne. I have my goals for 2007 written out, and they seem like something that should almost be "understood". I would like to be really (2 arms, with strength) hugged each day. I would like to be really kissed once each day. I would like foreplay once a week that feels good to me. I am not sure why he doesn't believe me when I tell him I really need these things.
I'm going to start a thread for you below, as people usually just use this one to introduce themselves. The board is sometimes slow on the weekend, so you may not get many responses until Monday. You are among people who understand, believe me. 