Post Retrouvaille...

[Kansha]

David,
I am so sorry to hear that you had such a difficult weekend. That first year or so, I was in so much pain that I could hardly function. It really seems like your wife could be in MLC. (how old is she?) MLCers say all sorts of things. We say around here: Believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do.
If you listen to what they say they will rock your world daily, sometimes hourly or minute by minute. That is why DBers(Michele)say to detach and focus on yourself.

I also spoke with my wife about dating each other, just to see what would happen...cool no in response.

David, your wife needs space, she hasn't even left yet and you are talking about dating? You must find other ways to reassure yourself. Such as coming to the BB. Posting a lot and talking to friends, counselors, support persons that support your stand. You will not find reassurances from your wifes words at this time. You will only push her out the door faster.

My wife confirmed she would contact mediators this week and start the process as soon as possible (preferably before Christmas...her words).

NO OR TALKS!!

We discussed Retrouvaille (although only as "a weekend program" sponsored by the Catholic Church). She refused flatly. My wife is Catholic (I am not but have attended with her and our kids). This one kills me because one of her reasons for wanting a divorce is that I have not been Catholic and have supposedly not been supportive of her faith. She is on the "Family Life Committee" at our church (the hypocrisy is killing me...she won't even attend joint counseling or a weekend retreat).

During MLC they totally change. Things that were important to them are now not important at all. It just goes to show how confused your wife is and it is typical MLC behavior.

The only thing that might get her attention is anything done for the kids. But, I caution, you that many MLCers don't act very caring towards their children at this time.(I worded that more nicely then many of the MLCer deserve)
So if and when she does notify you of pending mediation you could try to get that in the agreement to attend for the children. But, timing is everything.

For the first time she told me that there was NO CHANCE of us not divorcing. I believe her.

Again, don't believe anything you hear and only 50% of what they do. (When I say don't believe anything that they hear that means listen carefully use information they devulge to work on yourself or protect you and the children but don't believe anything they say.

The only good news is that she now freely admits that I have changed a lot since she told me about this in September. Unfortunately, she says it is too late.

That is good news. She says it is too late. Don't believe it but, do validate her feelings about it.

My emotions are everywhere. I go from hopeful to angry to apathetic. I feel best when apathetic. I wish I could maintain this numb lack of caring. Perhaps that is what I need to DB properly (I know I would revive interest if provided any cause). Unfortunately, I can't stay there. I naturally move back towards caring about her and being hopeful. Then I have more pain than ever because deep down I know this won't work out. I am also pulled back because my wife continues to do many nice/involved things. Even last night, she was eating something in the kitchen and asked me to keep her company (I was heading into the other room).

Yes this is very hard. That's why detachment is so crucial but, it takes a while to obtain. I wish there was an easier way. I remember how painful this was. ((((((David))))))

Then I get angry. I don't do anything...it's all internal. Sometimes it's healthy (?) anger, i.e. why would I want to be with her anyway...I'd be better off without...she doesn't love me to hell with her. Other times it's not and I just want to scream (and screaming is the nicest thing I feel like doing sometimes) at her and her "divorce is the answer" counselor.

I worked a long time to find a healthy way to process my anger. I use to go out to the back and break plates against a wall. Try to find a way to use the anger to motivate you in positive ways.

I'm a mess. I know it's over and can't let go.

You've got to find a way to let her go, honey, it does NOT mean it is over. Have a little faith. Put away your crystal ball, put one foot in front of the other and keep DBing. Makes some small doable goals.

Also, I remember reading somewhere that you will be the one to leave the home? Is that so? Tell me more about this, okay?

I will pray for you and your family.

Take care, I know this is so hard. ((((((David))))))