The mistakes I am referring to are things like: going to bed later than him and thereby missing opportunities for intimacy. Breaking hugs, this was a big one that used to bother me and I realized I am doing it to him. Waiting for HIM to turn me on rather than concentrating on my own body. Things like that. What clued me in? Very simple answer there. He did. His calling me out put me in my place immediately.
The difference between me and your wife is that, firstly, I've worked too hard on this R to now sit back and let it go to pot, so as soon as he mentioned his dissatisfaction I was all ears. Secondly, I've BEEN in the HD shoes and it absolutely stinks. Being the LD partner is a lot more traumatizing than what I'd previously thought (a lot more) but HD is slightly worse. After all, is there anything worse than being sexually rejected? ouch! *side note* I was surprised at how awful being the LD partner really is. I had thought that we HD people had a stranglehold on feeling brokenhearted but it is NOT that way.
You are right in that the feeling of being judged and monitored is mostly coming from me, but not all. You ARE watching your wife, waiting for some kind of performance so she is right in her perception of things. The fact that you can't see this surprises me a little, to be honest. All HD people have their eyes trained on their partner, waiting for something, anything. Having said that, though, you're right that it was me doing it to me. I like my H to be pleased with me, it's really as simple as that. I don't like knowing that I've let him down. The fact that I've let him down by being boring or a drag is realllllly repugnant to me, as a type 7. However, I also know that there's possibly nothing worse than an LD person *trying* to be exciting--the HD person is suspicious of this because of the high possibility that it's an "act". See, I'm coming at this from both angles and it's weird. So what I've been doing is just really paying more attention to my sex drive and that seems to make me genuinely FEEL it, which in turn doesn't seem fake to H.
Another bit of LD weirdness is this: After sex, I used to feel flooded with chemicals. I felt in love with my H, my kids, the world. Now? I just feel sated. Like a balloon that has popped and there is no chemical rush accompanying it. It's very strange and I can totally see how a woman would think "ok that's done". This is such a foreign thought to me, I can't express that enough. I have never had such thoughts in my life. Well, one other time but I was on hormonal therapy trying to conceive my first child and chalked it up to that. Being an HD person, as soon as you are sated the chemicals flood your body and you are automatically motivated to do it again. Not in the literal sense...doing it right that minute...but that it creates a mindset--and the physical sensations to accompany it--to set you up for the next encounter. That is weirdly missing in my current state.
So to answer your question: Yes I was being lazy and taking him for granted. It seemed, after the last turbulent 9 years (some yrs more turbulent than others of course) that we had finally settled into a nice relaxing state. It turns out that he was getting more and more frustrated with my lackadaisical condition and it all just bubbled out one week. So now I am very tuned in to what he is saying. I don't know that I would be this way had I not experienced the other side so painfully. If only there were a way to turn you LD for a time, so that your wife could get a taste of your life!
Corri, I meant to say that H was totally chagrined that he resorted to anger. I wish I could say that this is uncharacteristic of him, but actually the opposite is true. Whenever he's unhappy about something, it usually comes out as either PA behavior or flat out anger. He has not grown much in this respect, although he is happy as a pig in slop that *I* have grown in this dept. At least there are not two screaming mimi's in our home! (that may sound resentful on my part, but really I don't feel that way. I am able to separate myself from his reactions MOST of the time) Anyway, I don't think he will do that again and, plus, I have been stepping up to the plate, so motivated am I to not disappoint him in this arena again.
