HP, I think the anger your H feels towards you is really self anger; he is feeling he is imposing on you, and is feeling guilty about his sexual needs, which are more obvious to him now that you are LD. He is giving in to his sexuality without having you coaxing him the whole way. It's a big step towards him owning his feelings.
Also, since you now have a week break on a monthly basis, maybe this is a good time to get it into your head to be more aggressive towards him. He gets some refueling and a break from the leadership role, and it doesn't distract from the ultimate goal ( he is still chief initiator when it comes to intercourse, and over time you can try to extinguish some of the more wishy-washy behavior). BTW, I am 44, and in the last yr, I have gotten more irregular with my period ( I've been pretty regular up until now)...H has actually verbalized that he misses those breaks because it revs up his drive. And then he gets conflicted about having a revved up drive. IOW, you can't win,lol.
I find the twists in your relationship interesting. Good to hear things are going in the right direction. I'd like to ask you about the following comment because my wife has often said similar things:
I was devastated, folks. This was new territory for me. I cannot believe how crappy the LD side of things is. The feeling of being judged and monitored. Of not living up to someone else's expectations. Of being in a mindframe where you just want to *prove* something about yourself. Of trying to "make up for it" by doing other non-sexual stuff. I was a textbook case and, even though I intellectually know better, I couldn't stop myself from making the classic LD mistakes. It was crazy.
The part I am referring to is about feeling judged and monitored, and not living up to someone else's expectations. With my wife I repeatedly heard the same argument until one day I realized it was not me who was at fault for this, but her. It was the Schnarchian situation where her withdrawal and avoidance was just her way of dodging the tough decision - whether to face her intimacy issues or bail. So instead she found a third option and just avoided the issue, which prompted me to keep bringing up the matter, but made me appear to be the bad guy, always pushing and blaming. So IMO, in this way she actually helped to create her own situation in which she felt she was being judged and monitored. The fact of the matter is that she was - because she would not make a decision. If she decided one way or the other, the ball would have been in my court.
What happened that you can see now in that experience? What LD mistakes are you referring to, which did you make and do you have any idea why you made them? Were you just becoming lazy and taking him for granted? Or do you think you could have been hiding or avoiding somehow? What clicked in your mind to turn that around? I'm hoping to learn another tidbit for better understanding my wife.
Cobra, From what I gather, HP's version of LDness is different from your W's. She may be feeeling guilty because she used to be the driving force, but she is not avoidant and enjoys herself once the action gets going. She would be even more into it if her H were more comfortable in the initiator role. And you are unlike HP's H because you are okay with asserting your sexuality and pushing the issue.
I do feel for the men on the board who are HD and trying to push their wives along. I was able to have a degree of success because I felt comfortable pushing sex on my H without fear ( the fear being that you are somehow a rapist). I think that's why Hdog started thinking about presenting this as a " right" of his...he's going to have to work through some of the nice guy stuff to get anywhere. In that way, the HD women have it a bit easier.
The mistakes I am referring to are things like: going to bed later than him and thereby missing opportunities for intimacy. Breaking hugs, this was a big one that used to bother me and I realized I am doing it to him. Waiting for HIM to turn me on rather than concentrating on my own body. Things like that. What clued me in? Very simple answer there. He did. His calling me out put me in my place immediately.
The difference between me and your wife is that, firstly, I've worked too hard on this R to now sit back and let it go to pot, so as soon as he mentioned his dissatisfaction I was all ears. Secondly, I've BEEN in the HD shoes and it absolutely stinks. Being the LD partner is a lot more traumatizing than what I'd previously thought (a lot more) but HD is slightly worse. After all, is there anything worse than being sexually rejected? ouch! *side note* I was surprised at how awful being the LD partner really is. I had thought that we HD people had a stranglehold on feeling brokenhearted but it is NOT that way.
You are right in that the feeling of being judged and monitored is mostly coming from me, but not all. You ARE watching your wife, waiting for some kind of performance so she is right in her perception of things. The fact that you can't see this surprises me a little, to be honest. All HD people have their eyes trained on their partner, waiting for something, anything. Having said that, though, you're right that it was me doing it to me. I like my H to be pleased with me, it's really as simple as that. I don't like knowing that I've let him down. The fact that I've let him down by being boring or a drag is realllllly repugnant to me, as a type 7. However, I also know that there's possibly nothing worse than an LD person *trying* to be exciting--the HD person is suspicious of this because of the high possibility that it's an "act". See, I'm coming at this from both angles and it's weird. So what I've been doing is just really paying more attention to my sex drive and that seems to make me genuinely FEEL it, which in turn doesn't seem fake to H.
Another bit of LD weirdness is this: After sex, I used to feel flooded with chemicals. I felt in love with my H, my kids, the world. Now? I just feel sated. Like a balloon that has popped and there is no chemical rush accompanying it. It's very strange and I can totally see how a woman would think "ok that's done". This is such a foreign thought to me, I can't express that enough. I have never had such thoughts in my life. Well, one other time but I was on hormonal therapy trying to conceive my first child and chalked it up to that. Being an HD person, as soon as you are sated the chemicals flood your body and you are automatically motivated to do it again. Not in the literal sense...doing it right that minute...but that it creates a mindset--and the physical sensations to accompany it--to set you up for the next encounter. That is weirdly missing in my current state.
So to answer your question: Yes I was being lazy and taking him for granted. It seemed, after the last turbulent 9 years (some yrs more turbulent than others of course) that we had finally settled into a nice relaxing state. It turns out that he was getting more and more frustrated with my lackadaisical condition and it all just bubbled out one week. So now I am very tuned in to what he is saying. I don't know that I would be this way had I not experienced the other side so painfully. If only there were a way to turn you LD for a time, so that your wife could get a taste of your life!
Corri, I meant to say that H was totally chagrined that he resorted to anger. I wish I could say that this is uncharacteristic of him, but actually the opposite is true. Whenever he's unhappy about something, it usually comes out as either PA behavior or flat out anger. He has not grown much in this respect, although he is happy as a pig in slop that *I* have grown in this dept. At least there are not two screaming mimi's in our home! (that may sound resentful on my part, but really I don't feel that way. I am able to separate myself from his reactions MOST of the time) Anyway, I don't think he will do that again and, plus, I have been stepping up to the plate, so motivated am I to not disappoint him in this arena again.
Oh hon. It sounds like to me that you are experiencing natural evolution in the R. Schnarch talks about this. It also sounds like you are experiencing some normal effects of hormonal status. It must be quite a shocker. I think the only thing that has saved H the last few months has been some of the physical effects of pregnancy - the exhaustion, up/down emotions etc... However, I can forsee a time where if my drive were removed due to some other phsical/mental factor - the whole balance of the R would change. I hate to say it - but yeah, this is probably another chance for you and Mr. HP to grow.
Ai yi yi. You know, I have had that horrifying thought--that if my periods are now regular what if I...I....see, I can't even write it. Babypot (who really should be rechristened Kiddiepot, or perhaps Holyterrorpot) has cured me of baby lust for the most part. I'm not sure that women ever really get rid of it; they just don't want those wonderful babies to grow up into more kids.
Anyway, yeah, I think we'll continue to grow and evolve into...well shoot, maybe we'll evolve into a regular ol man/woman relationship.
Wow. No, I mean WOW! I've been pondering over a thought for some time that degree of desire depends largely on how much you ruminate about sex when it isn't right there in front of you. I've found that when I get too busy to think about it during the day, I have a far lower desire that night than I do when I've been daydreaming about it. It seems the same is true for MrsGGB, although she tends to suppress sexual thoughts or so she says. On first reading this from you, I was thinking, well yeah, HP's all wrapped up in getting the new house livable, and prolly chasing Babypot and her two sisters all over the place (J and M have gotten to be quite the handful. house-wreckers they are), so I'm sure you've got much less time to be pondering a good romp...or to be nosing about this BB for that matter...than you had before you moved. So anyway, that was what I was thinking was going on with you....until I got to that part about you getting regular cycles for the first time in your life. Hmm, that's weird/interesting. Be careful with that, you might be more fertile than you had been before now too.
I find it very interesting that even though you know from an HD perspective how totally icky the if you want it you'll have to get my motor started too bit is, that it is still very hard to get out of that mindset.
This especially perked my ears up because MrsGGB has said exactly this on more than one occasion: "feeling of being judged and monitored. Of not living up to someone else's expectations. Of being in a mindframe where you just want to *prove* something about yourself. Of trying to "make up for it" by doing other non-sexual stuff". So what can an HD H do to help his LDW get around those feelings?
Honeypot(t)... if you're having periods again and you and Mr. HP don't use b/c... could it be that your LD is due to not wanting to get pregnant again and the only way you can avoid it in the context of your and Mr. HP's beliefs is by abstaining? This is all unconscious, of course. Overtly you want to be HD again, but unconsciously, you don't want another pg, so your unconscious turns off the desire?
After 25 years of menstrutating, it seems that I am now having a period every single month. Before I would maybe have em 1 or 2 times per year
You once said you were a ectomorph... I dont know how lean you were or are in comparison now, but below about 11% women are very erratic. you started when you were 10? whoa.
other then that it sounds like your turning into your normal everyday woman. Your gonna have to turn in your FreakofNature license.
Now that my juice seems to have vanished what are you doing to stay physically challenged/active? chasing terrorpot doesnt count.
Your post was packed with info for those reading it with a discerning eye. Thanks.
