Tough weekend. It was actually a lot of fun most of the time, but with some very hard moments (particularly due to some hard self-realizations).
My wife, kids and I put up Christmas lights, tree, etc. We also went to a Christmas symphony performance with a Christmas Carol sing-a-long.
I did not DB well (although my wife initiated most of the conversations), but did a number of things that I would probably have had to eventually do. I spoke with my wife's sister who said that my wife had made up her mind before talking to any of her family (not like her). I also spoke with my wife about dating each other, just to see what would happen...cool no in response. My wife confirmed she would contact mediators this week and start the process as soon as possible (preferably before Christmas...her words). We discussed Retrouvaille (although only as "a weekend program" sponsored by the Catholic Church). She refused flatly. My wife is Catholic (I am not but have attended with her and our kids). This one kills me because one of her reasons for wanting a divorce is that I have not been Catholic and have supposedly not been supportive of her faith. She is on the "Family Life Committee" at our church (the hypocrisy is killing me...she won't even attend joint counseling or a weekend retreat).
For the first time she told me that there was NO CHANCE of us not divorcing. I believe her.
The only good news is that she now freely admits that I have changed a lot since she told me about this in September. Unfortunately, she says it is too late.
My emotions are everywhere. I go from hopeful to angry to apathetic. I feel best when apathetic. I wish I could maintain this numb lack of caring. Perhaps that is what I need to DB properly (I know I would revive interest if provided any cause). Unfortunately, I can't stay there. I naturally move back towards caring about her and being hopeful. Then I have more pain than ever because deep down I know this won't work out. I am also pulled back because my wife continues to do many nice/involved things. Even last night, she was eating something in the kitchen and asked me to keep her company (I was heading into the other room).
Then I get angry. I don't do anything...it's all internal. Sometimes it's healthy (?) anger, i.e. why would I want to be with her anyway...I'd be better off without...she doesn't love me to hell with her. Other times it's not and I just want to scream (and screaming is the nicest thing I feel like doing sometimes) at her and her "divorce is the answer" counselor.
