Retrouvaille at the wrong time will be detrimental.
I know you are anxious to DO something, to FIX this problem. I felt this way too, in the beginning. I tried everything I could think of, to GET my H to reconsider, I thought he would change his mind, And I knew if I just did and said the right things, he would see what he was doing.
That is because most of us, that find ourselves here, are fixers, doers and/or helpers.
I had to learn, as did my fellow Dbers, that I had to put it in the hands of God. I had to focus on myself and stop focusing on my H at all.
I am concerned about you, because from what you are saying, I wonder if you have learned that lesson yet. Your wife needs you to learn that lesson and until your wife feels safe to feel the way she does, and to feel it whenever she does without feeling judged by you or disagreed with, you will not see many gains. This is one of the most important 180's that you can do. Stop trying to fix this. She will perceive it and not only that: YOU CAN"T fix this!!!!!!" You can only focus on yourself, listen to her "complaints" and see if there is anything you need to change.
(This is basic DBing and is one of the first 180's you should do. It does not mean that you will become a door mat, there are other changes that will evolve out of this one basic one. Most MLCers/WA's do not feel understood or"gotten" in a very deep, primal way.)
Why am I saying all this when you are simply asking about Retrouvaille? Because I have been through what you are going through and gone through it with hundreds of others, as well.
I'm not saying you shouldn't ask her to go to Retrouvaille. But, the timing is very important and what I have heard of your story so far, leads me to believe, that you have some important lessons to learn that will go farther to save your marriage then simply asking her to go to Retrouvaille.
Now that said, If you are absolutely sure, that you have nothing to lose, you could employ the last resort technique (LRT) and ask her if she would go and tell her that: after all, you are going to have to communicate for the rest of your lives (there are children involved, right?) And Retrouvaille will help us to heal and communicate with each other better.
Retrouvaille is about healing. You spend alot of time during the weekend within the realm of feelings. It's amazing how when you "get" her feelings without judging them and she "gets" your feelings without judging them, how much that opens up trust, healing and honest communciation. You don't handle any issues in the weekend. It doesn't solve any problems. It simply lays down a foundation based on the healing that takes place.
She would have to be committed to going to the follow ups. That is where more problem solving tools are given.
Since your wife has not even set up the mediation yet, I suggest you put in more changes within yourself and give it some time (3 to 6 weeks at least, but more likely 3 to 6 months) for each change. Watch for the baby steps and keep whats working and stop what isn't working(you don't usually need much time to find out what is NOT working, though)
I hope this wasn't too harsh, believe me, I KNOW what you are going through and it is not easy to sit back and "do nothing"(you do know what I mean by "doing nothing" (see above))
I am now on my fifth year of this journey. I had to learn patience and letting go. I had to learn to detach and let my H find his own way. I had to change me, focus on me and the kids. That first two years were hell. My H has lived at home this entire time.
Thank God you have found this site. Keep asking the questions. They are good questions.
Take care, David, you and your family are in my prayers.
