I'll e-mail you as well. I just posted the following on another board. I have not read your response so you do answer some of the questions. Perhaps this extra info will influence your thoughts.
Thanks for your kind help,
David
Alright, I need some help on Retroaville. I have a few specific questions and I really need some recommendations. Let me start off by saying that my wife and I live together. She told me in September she wants a divorce (read prior strings under "retrouvaille" and "does DBing work?". In that time we have gone from not interacting to now having many frequent, positive interactions. We both wish to remain friends if there is to be a divorce and have agreed (if she will not reconsider) to proceed via Mediation as opposed to litigation. Things have improved for us in many ways: we are communicating better, we can joke with each other and we are cooperating as parents. Unfortunately, however, whenever the topic of the divorce comes up my wife is clear and decisive. She wants a divorce, believes she will be happier after, and deserves to be truly in love in an intimate relationship. She syas has been surprised at the positive changes that I have made, but that she will not change her mind. She says the changes will allow me to be a better father, us to be better post-divorce parents and will improve my future relationships. She, however, is not going to remain married to me. I am no longer initiating these conversations, but sometimes she does or we stumble into them.
A few other things: 4 1/2 weeks ago she was going to start the mediation proceedings and has not yet done so. At the time, she also told me that for the kids' sake, I should live at home through the holidays. I believe it was the intention at the time that we would have begun mediation shortly (in early November). Now I expect that this will not occur until January. We are going to Utah (where we both have family) on December 27 and returning Jan. 1. I expect her to initiate mediation upon our return(although I could go home tonight and she may have an appointment set up).
My wife views me as controlling and has historically not responded well to arguments/reasoning. She processes things in her own time and in her own way. Last, I expect that as long as the subject of divorce is avoided, we will continue to get along well and we will be able to log some good time between us. Unfortunately, I believe this will be reversed in January when her self granted time period elapses. As many good times as we have, her intentions have not wavered a bit. ALTHOUGH I HAVE HAD MORE TIME SINCE HER ANNOUNCEMENT IN SEPTEMBER THAN I EXPECTED, I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT I DO NOT HAVE UNLIMITED TIME TO WORK WITH.
Now back to my questions regarding Retroaville.
(1) Should I ask her to Retroaville? (note that questions (2) may affect the answer...they are interrelated)
Arguments for:
(a) Many people on these boards as well as the Retroaville representatives (when you call their 800 number) report that they have a reasonably good success rate in getting people to reconsider who are dead-set upon divorcing and do not want to attend the program.
(b) Assuming that mediation begins in January, what do I have to lose? Another factor contributing to this is that Retrovaille sessions scheduled for my area begin on Jan. 17 and then not until April. April may be too late
(c) My wife is Catholic and the program is sponsored by the Catholic church (though the program is largely non-denominational).
(d) I am afraid that if I don't try to get her to go that later (post-divorce) I will second guess myself and wonder whether I should have tried it.
Arguments against:
(a) My wife will definitely feel pressured. Things are going well and I am reluctant to upset the apple cart(although we edge closer to the abyss).
(b) I think it only 30% likely that she will agree. I am likely to incur the negative of asking with little result.
(c) A few people on these Boards have suggested the program is excellent assuming there is not a 3rd party in the picture. In this case the affair must be admitted and ended. I do not know if my wife is having an affair. I think it reasonably likely that she did earlier this year, somewhat likely that she still is and somewhat more likely that she is not currently, but that there is someone "in the wings." My wife has not admitted to anything. I asked her in March or April (prior to divorce announcement) for a number of reasons. She denied it, but not convincingly. Since then I have not asked. It is quite possible that this is in my head, but I don't think so. I view it as highly unlikely that she would admit to anything anyway because her lawyer will have advised her not to (an affair would have negative consequences on her financial settlement if things went to court). Hence, if something was/is going on I won't know about it.
(d) Some have argued that Retroaville is unproductive if one spouse does not wish to fix the relationship...the boards have both sides of this argument.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Question 2: When should I ask her (if at all)?
If mediation starts prior to Christmas, I will ask her shortly after is begins. However, she doesn't schedule anything until our return in early January, there is a timing problem. I am reluctant to raise Retrovaille while things are going well...I might erase progress that would have kept us from reaching mediation. I think it highly likely that we will go to mediation anyway, but if you had asked me a month ago whether today I would think that mediation wouldn't begin until January I would have said it absolutely would have already started (i.e., I don't know what is going to happen).
So, if I don't ask her until January this presents other problems. With the session begining on Jan. 17, I feel that I probably need to ask her at least a week in advance, and probably by Jan. 8 (preferably Jan. 2 but for the reasons spelled out above). However, if she hasn't set a mediation appointment by then what to do? I also may need even more time to avoid having the spot filled in Retroaville and to arrange child care/etc.
WHEN SHOULD I ASK?
PLEASE HELP ME WITH ANY INPUT ON ALL OF THE ABOVE. I AM DAMN NERVOUS AND CONFUSED.
