Am I piecing? I am sooooo confused

[Heywyre]

Just an update on my sitch

H and I had what I would consider a "good" talk yesterday. He seems to be quite attentive as to how I am feeling almost on a daily basis.

We talked about our sitch and he said - get this - that it has always been difficult for him to ML to me because he thinks of me as his "equal and friend" whereas all other relationships he has had in the past he has thought of the women as "sex objects". He is having a difficult time piecing the two of them together. His take on it (being that he has never had a woman as a friend) is you don't ML to your friend, you respect your friends and you just don't do that with a friend. Now that he is in a R with a woman that he considers a friend, he can't seem to let the two overlap.

We have always had problems in the ML department but it is a second marriage for both of us, we were older and it wasn't a really big issue for either of us

Now he tells me this? I don't know whether to scream or be relieved. I think I will take the latter on - at least if what he is saying is true, the OW was a "sex object" and he didn't respect her

Obviously we have a lot of things to work on and thank goodness he is reading a lot of books I have brought home from the library to assist us. The one he is reading right now deals with the "inner child" and I hoping it will give him some insight as to how to overcome this problem

Sheesh - when I thought I already had enough going on in my life

[kirby]

HW, if he's telling the truth, and I'd geuss he is, this is kind of good news, right? The problem has been identified and now it can be worked on and hopefully fixed.
Wow, I'm glad I don't have his problem though. That was mean.
But, when he and you get this problem figured out, I bet he, and I hope you, will discover ML can and is a whole lot better than it was.
Good luck.

[Heywyre]

Kirby - what do you mean when you say "that was mean"?

And yes, I am glad that problem has been identified (if that is the problem - which I am assuming it is)

How long it will take to clear it up is a whole other question but at least I have something to work towards

[kirby]

HW, I thought my comment that I don't have your H's problem was a bit callus. It's a big problem that has hurt his life, and yours, and I shouldn't make light of it. Of course, y'all might think my problems are worse. :-)

[Heywyre]

I did not take offence to the comment Kirby - its ok, don't sweat it.

I don't think the comment was calus - we all have our own crosses to bear. Its not like you forced me to marry the man. All I am concerned about is that we have identified the primary issue and can work on it from here (hopefully),

H met me for lunch today (his day off that he used to meet the OW) and confirmed that he had been thinking about what we talked about and agreed that has been an issue in his life. I am of the opinion it stemmed from being adopted (which he only found out about when he was 55 years old). Being he never had a relationship with his birth mother that would make it all the more difficult for him to get close to women in his life. He agreed he never got close to his adoptive mother and from then on all the women in his life became "things" as opposed to someone who was his equal.

He said he has always considered me to be his equal, so to cross over and include sex into that mix just makes him feel as though he isn't respecting me. He can't have sex (so he says) with someone he respects (thus the escorts that were involved in the A's). As for other women he has been in relationships with, they were short term and he had no connection intellectually with them like he does me. He is having a VERY hard time associating the two together.

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced we have struck a core issue here. We are going to talk to the C about when we go next time, however that isn't until the 5th of February, but that will give us some more time to talk about it anyway.

I don't know where we will go from here. I guess there is a possibility we will maybe have to go to sex therapist to move this along (if the C we go to doesn't specialize in things like that) I guess we will see when we go to see him next time

[runningoutoftime]

Wow, that does sound like a core issue, and recognizing it sounds very positive to me!!! I like the idea of looking into a sex therapist as well.

[Heywyre]

Yes, I am hoping this is the foundation we can build on. I know that we probably have a long, long way to go but at least identifying the problem (which I think we might have - fingers crossed) is half the battle won right there.

It does sound like a logical explanation that's for sure but we will confirm it with the C next week (can hardly wait to hit him with that one - :))

[Heywyre]

Well, just when I thought things were ticking along pretty good, I get a major setback.

H is NOT computer literate (thank goodness, things could be a heck of a lot worse if he was). I am the computer geek in the household, the primary user - being I require it for the work I do.

So H meets me on his way home from work, brings me a tea and I think "wow, things are going great". He seems a little down the last couple of days but we've been talking a fair bit and I just write it off to that.

I come home and log onto the computer and go to bring up an address and see that someone (only H because he's the only other person in the house) has been looking at a newspaper online - no big deal right? Well, it is a big deal because it was the "personals" in the paper where we USED to live - where the OW still lives (and H was going to visit every single week on his day off for about 4 months before the bomb hit).

After my heart sank into my shoes and I recouperated from just about passing out, I confronted him. I tried to be calm and reasonable (not as controlled as I would have liked, but pretty good considering I felt like killing the SOB)

I asked him how he was doing, he said fine. I asked if he was dealing with things pretty well, feelings and such. He said he was dealing with them as they came up blah blah blah. So I say, "how come you were looking in the classifieds in (the city where we used to live). He says "curiousity" - that's when I semi-lost it. Curiousity? HELLO????? I know I should have let it go but we have been working so, so hard on this and making tremendous progress (or so I thought) and now I feel as though I am back to square one.

We talked extensively about it and he said he was sorry for hurting me, he didn't think it would matter to me. He didn't think it would matter - gee thanks!! I said, how can you think it wouldn't matter. His answer? Well, you're so strong.

I might be strong but I do have feelings - can you believe it?

So after I got over the feelings of finding the sharpest knife in the drawer, we agreed he is going to have to be more of an open book with me. He needs to tell me when he gets these feelings so we can talk through them (suggestion from the C) so that he won't act on them. He is convinced if H can not harbour the emotions he is feeling at the time to contact OW, he will be able to work through the emotion of it much better.

So, take away the baby steps, I feel like I have just gone back about 100 of them

[LoginName]

Well, just when I thought things were ticking along pretty good, I get a major setback.

And does it ever end? It must. Or at least it must get better a little at a time and the time between shocks increases.

it was the "personals" in the paper where we USED to live - where the OW still lives

I don't understand what he would be looking for in the personals. Couldn't he just visit or call the OW?

I know his actions hurt you. They would hurt me in your spot too. But what is his motive? Is he still morning the OLD affair? Is he still morning his old life, or is he looking to start it up again?

I've been told that the WAS will contact the OP again (or at least high probability that they will). It's part of the process. Even though it seems so unfair and hurtful to me, they are hurting in their own way. I don't have to understand it, but I can sympothise and validate the feeling. Maybe this applies to you and your H too? Can you understand how he might miss the R he had with OW, no matter how wrong it was?

Granted, I'm not living your sitch, but things still sound positive to me. You and he are talking, seeing MC, figuring out where and what the problems are, and he is willing to make an effort. sounds good to me.

what do you think?

[cat03]

mmmm, sort of reminded me when (not confirmend it was him or a pop up ad) I found the "adult finder" page on my computer, when my H just came home. And other disturbing info, which in the end turn out to be just harmless looking on his part but which REALLY hurt for me to find.

I hear you, after a blowout we also regress. But that's the nature of piecing, your wounds are still too fresh, and he still unsure of how well things are going to go between you two. Hang in there pal, we all regress now and then, it happens. Just make sure you keep your "gathing of info" at a minimum. Trust has to begin somewhere, your H needs a bit more time to asimilate you two as a couple again.
Been there done that hon, well, still not 100% out of the bushes but I now see the path.