For newbies... or if you need a pick me up today

[cat03]

hey guys, nice to "see" you, it's funny how seeing certain screenames brings forth a familiarity, like seeing the face of a friend. Keeping both of you in my prayers)))

I've actually FINALLY brought in my fav piecing book so I can type a great piece about forgiving and letting go that helped me a lot. H saw the book in my car and asked me "are you *still* reading those books?" jeez... I swalled, and told him it was for friends, we talked a bit more and then he just didnt' want to know any more.
Good thing I stopped holding my breath at him coming "to my rescue", I've been healing on my own since all this mess started, thank heaven for this board and you all.

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From "healing the hurt in your marriage" about forgiveness and letting go:

Forgive your spouse
Forgiveness is essentially an act of grace, a gift of love. You can't work for grace. You can't jump through the right hoops to earn it. You can't perfect your performance in order to deserve it. Grace is simply a gift.
...How did God forgive us? Did we earn it?..God expects us to forgive our spouses and others--not because they have earned enough points through good behavior, but because we choose to give it as a gift.
Forgiveness means giving your spouse a second chance, not because he or she deserves it, but because you choose to extend grace to your spouse just as God has extended grace to you.

What Forgiveness is Not
...The idea that you have to forget in order to forgive is a myth. When we forgive someone, we do not forget the hurtful act, as if forgetting came along with the forgiveness package, the way strings come w/a violin. Begin w/basics. If you forget, you will not forgive at all. You can never forgive people for things you have forgotten about. You need to forgive precisely because you have not fogotten what someone did; your memory keeps the pain alive long after the actual hurt has stopped. Remembering is your storage of pain. It is why you need to be healed in the first place.
...God forgives and forgets our sins, but [we] are not God. [We] dont have the power to forget as he does.
How do we resolve the pain of offenses we can't forget? You start by admitting to yourself that you dont' have to forget. We are called to remember without condemnation. The apostle Paul wrote, "So now there is not condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus". God has forgiven our sin and no longer condemns us. WE must forgive our spouses the same way even when we cannot forget the offense. As you do, you can ask God to ease your pain. This takes you off the hook of trying to make yourself forget that your spouse wounded you.
Your pain will diminish as you focus on the more positive, joyful aspects of your marriage. God can help you generate fresh memories that will push the bad memories into the background and help you renew your relationship.
It is also improtatn for you to grow in your relationship w/Jeses, seekig him for instruction and comfort in your pain.

..Forgiveness isn't about feelings. Forgiving your spouse is a choice, an act of the will. If you wait to forgive until you feel like it, you will likely never forgive. Feelings are antecedents of thoughts. Feelings can't think; they can only feel, and they cannot be trusted as the main element in deciding to forgive. Forgiveness is the right thing to do, whether you are emotionally moved to do so or not. If you wait for a feeling, you are giving more opportunitity for resentment and bitterness to fester in your heart.

...Forgiveness in not an exercise in trying to make an offense disappear. On the contrary, granting forgiveness requires us to confront the reality that something painful *did* happen... true forgiveness acknowledges what really happened and how badly it hurt; then it chooses to let go of the offense. Forgiveness says, "I know what you did, and it really hurt. But I choose to forgive you anyway.
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Well, I could go on and on typing, but I'd be too much, this part of the book though helped me heal,hope it is of some use to you all, at whatever stage of piecing you are.

Got another "eureka" moment yesterday, as my brain started screaming at me "your H was doing xyz with ow" I realized that when he did that it was at an stage of our M in which he was done being rejected by me and was seeing solace not because he hated me, but because he didn't think we had any hope together anymore. That when he came back it was very scary for him to put his trust in me again, regardless how much I'd say I'd treat him better, all he had were scars from the past to go by.

Phew! that was a mouthful, I'll shush now