Had a long talk with H today. He shared how angry he is. He said he was sitting in the bathtub this AM when he remembered my reaction to his pronouncement (2 years ago) that I was now responsible for paying for the kids private school. Never mind that I wasn’t working and he was deep in MLC, just, that I didn’t jump with open arms to take on a $2,000.00 a month expense. This according to him makes me selfish.
I said how come my reaction makes me selfish. How come you aren’t interested in how it made me feel for you to pronounce out of the blue that I was now responsible for the kids school. How come you have to make a negative assumption about me when I say how I feel. My response when he pronounced that I was now responsible for the kids school was, he says, something like: “So you aren’t committed to them going to that school?”. He says this response makes me selfish and my response should have instead been me just saying, oh sure I’ll get right on it.
I said, it’s all in ones attitude. How come I’m always selfish, thwarting you, dissing you, or whatever when I share my feelings or thoughts? Why don’t you ask me how I feel about things before you make assumptions that make me out to be the bad person.
It was a difficult discussion but we did get to share a lot of our issues in a way that was fairly functional. He feels very good about the conversation as if he has become clearer about his boundaries. I on the other hand feel somewhat depressed(I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me and doesn't think it is worth the effort).
I told him again that I had told him before we moved into this house, that I did not want to “Share” a house and co-parent with him. I told him that I had moved into this house because I thought we were working towards making a good marriage. He said, he wants a family that is thriving but he wants autonomy when he is working on a project. He doesn’t want to deal with relationship issues.
It was a couple hour conversation and we actually communicated fairly functionally.
Interesting side note, you may remember my sarcastic aside, above after our first follow up, about perhaps making “a date” out of the Retrouvaille follow up evenings. Well, H invited me to go to an old friend of his’ birthday party after our next session in a week and a half.
I just don’t get H. His words just do not match his actions. I told him I was tired of defending myself. (I don't actually defend myself but he always has some negative take on what I say or do and I have to clarify all the time) I also said, that the only way we were are going to make any progress is if he stops focusing on the things that he does not like about me, and starts focusing on the things he does like. I modeled that for him by telling him all of the traits I like about him and then starting to go down the path of thinking of some of his traits that I don’t like but stopping myself right in the middle and going back to his positive traits. I am just so tired. He is so confusing. At one point he was vehement that we are separated but then he agreed with me about why we moved in to a new house together. I’m so confused and tired.
Afterword, later, I asked him if he would do a dialogue (Retrouvaille, technique about feelings) and he did.
We dialogued about how we felt about our conversation this afternoon. He said he felt powerful and I said I felt discouraged.
Deb, I guess we are making progress but it feels so confusing. I don't want him to be here unless he wants to be here. He so often feels manipulated or victimised in some way. I'm so confused, I think he is going or doing something on his own volition and that we made the decision together and then it feels like he re-writes the script, with him feeling angry. The good thing is today he was trying to look at why he is so angry.
I also reminded him that forgiveness is a choice and that the past is in the past. If he chooses to be angry at me there is nothing I can do about it.
Barb, well yes, he did go, and we are doing the homework. I just want to feel appreciated and wanted. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Which of course I said to him. He back pedals when I try to let him off the hook and suggest that perhaps it is just best if we can go our own separate ways. He then says, well you can't afford it, to which I say, that is not at issue, that is not a reason in my book, for staying together. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I am so tired.
