Mojo is 42

[MJontheMend]

LOL- Well, I would say that I'm the kind of bunny whose power is in her bounce.

Another problem with my femininity mantra is I have no clue when I would use it. Cobra can use a masculinity mantra when he's doing reps but it doesn't really make sense for me to be telling myself that I'm soft while I'm at the gym-LOL.

Anyway, here is a recent situation in which my H acted as though I was challenging his masculinity. I would value any input about how I could have done better.

We are in the process of refinancing our home. The process started because my H approached me with the issue that we were getting ripped off on our home equity loan. Now in the past we had a dysfunctional dynamic that went like:

H: Complains about something in cr*bby manner.
Mojo: Is motivated to solve problem due to HD because she doesn't want H to be cr*bby and LD. So she does her best to solve it.

Time Goes By

H: Complains because Mojo didn't solve problem in the way that he would have liked.

So I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't.

Okay, nowadays we're on a different page and I refuse to let my sex drive dictate my behavior in my relationship vis a vis being "forced" to be the problem solver and blamed if my solution isn't perfect. So, when my H brought up the home equity/refinance problem, the first thing I semi-consciously did was to ask myself if this was my problem to solve. Obviously, it was half my problem to solve since I pay half the mortgage so I did some of the initial research work. I took on this responsibility because I am home more and I am the one who has handled pretty much all of the finance issues in the past. However, this might have been a mistake. Anyway, at this point, I need some input from my H. Our situation has some complexity and there are a lot of flavors of financial products out there these days. The problem is since I've always just handled this stuff on my own in the past my H has no clue about any of this stuff. He repeatedly blows me off when I try to initiate a conversation on the matter. Finally, he agrees to sit down and discuss the issue. Since I am aware that he is not conversant with all the terms involved, I come to the conversation prepared to do some explaining. I would say that my manner was mostly feminine as I tried to explain, I was in "nice teacher you want to give an apple to" mode but my H flipped out on me because he couldn't stand that I knew this sh*t and he didn't. Halfway through the convo he very rudely said to me "If you can't define PMI in five words or less, don't f*cking bother.". Because I am clearly insane, I actually sat there quietly and tried to think up a 5 word definition for PMI. Now in the past, my typical response would be to tear up when he yelled at me. My second place response would have been to get angry and defensive. However, this time my most immediate response after just sitting there quietly was to feel sorry for him. I guess my question is where do I go with that feeling?

I see my behavior in the past as interfering with my H's growth in the following manner. In the past I would have just given up on discussing the issue when he yelled at me. I would have gone ahead and just done the refinance on my own. But then, as I indicated previously, a while down the road I would quite possibly found myself taken to task because I chose an ARM rather than a Fixed or made a bad decision tax-wise etc... and I am SICK of always having the responsibility for everything put on me. Also, another typical sort of thing that might happen would be my H and I are at a party (obviously a boring one)and the topic of interest rates comes up and me in my usual bouncy bunny fashion starts babbling about what I've recently learned about the new financial products available and my H gets p*ssy because he can't contribute to the conversation so I'm making him look stupid or unmanly and once again I am in a situation in which I am unlikely to get laid that evening after the party. If I repress my bounce in an effort to be more feminine, I just don't feel like myself. I am unhappy. So, when I'm angry it's because I want to put the blame on my H and say that he needs to act more masculine and pro-active and then he won't have to feel like we're in competition.