Focus on the positive. You have many of them in your sitch. You know that.
Here is another way to look at things;
If your H were to come home tomorrow, do you believe, you would be able to sustain the changes you are doing now or would you slowly fall back into old tendancies?
You see, it is the effort you put forth into YOU that makes all the difference. You need to be able to adopt a new attitude and sustain it from here forward. It is only with time, that you (and he) will be able to REALLY know if your changes are permanent.
We all want the hurt to go away yesterday! The attitude we have to develop is, this is our time. Our time to get ourselves back on track. Become the best sustainable sj, you can possibly be. Realize all that could be lost and make decisions based on where it is you want to be in the future. The most difficult thing to get a handle on is you can only make those changes in you. You can be a catalyst for change in your H, but he makes his own decisions on his own timeframe.
Also keep in mind your H was on his way out. He nows sees things he likes, but he is still hesitant. " Will this last? Is she just doing this until I come home and we're back to the same old thing?" Thoughts like these are bouncing around in his head. He will test the waters and then retreat. With each test he will wade in deeper. You may not notice, but just an increase in frequency is an indicator he is getting in deeper. Think baby steps, even 2 steps forward and sometimes two back, maybe three. Eventually, he will take three forward and one back. Things will oscillate for a time. You will KNOW when he really recommits. He may say it, but it will be his actions that will really show his return.
Steve, Thanks for being so supportive. I need to keep focusing on the positives. Last night he wasn't home but he told me what he was doing. HUGE!!! I didn't have to worry about ow. Today he TM me from a meeting and then when I dropped kids with him he asked me to stay and help with a couple of things. Tonight he sent me a pic of ds making a lego and a TM. Again huge he was thinking of me when I am not there. Baby steps I know but you all know how much this can mean. Telling my friends this just seems pathetic but you all know how it makes you feel.
Me 45 H 51 married 15 yrs D 13, S's 10,8 bomb 1-06, moved out 3-06 filed for D, 7-06,10-06,11-06,12-06 3-07, asked to try again 6-07 D on hold D process restarted 10-07 now trying to reconcile!
Try to keep focused on what you are doing to better yourself. It is very easy to see these positive things and then get lost in the euphoria.
This time is for you to figure out what negatives you contributed to the M and how to make it right. Stay on this path!!! It is the one your H is responding to. He sees those changes.
And best of all..... YOU did this. YOU made the effort and YOU should be very proud!
Saw our MC last pm ugg. I am still stewing (I guess that's the right word). He's not sure he wants to have to answer to me. He likes living alone. Yeah there are plenty of days I would like to walk away from all my responsibilities to. WTF. Sorry but after the I want my own life I am ready to give up. He can have his own life. I want to be married and marriage is a partnership. OK I will keep my mouth shut and keep with the program. Hopefully by tonight I will have calmed down.
Me 45 H 51 married 15 yrs D 13, S's 10,8 bomb 1-06, moved out 3-06 filed for D, 7-06,10-06,11-06,12-06 3-07, asked to try again 6-07 D on hold D process restarted 10-07 now trying to reconcile!
Think of this as you two beginning to date. Ya, I know your married and this is not being married. All to familiar with the thought process. But, focus on quality time. Have you by chance read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? If not do so.
You both have history to work through and that will take time. The mind, his and yours, simply can't turn off. You will have frustrations, as will he. You are frustratred because of your expectation of him to do what you want him to do. Which is recommit. He simply isn't ready.
This is your time to shine. You have turned him around. He is no longer running from you. He has stopped and is processing what he is seeing. Adopting a genuine, friendly and positive attitude and showing him the new you will work wonders. BUT DO THIS FOR YOU! Not for him. These changes are yours, not his. Rediscover the sj, YOU want to be.
You stated earlier, you were argumentative and confrontational. Is that how you want to be today? What will you do to put those discriptions behind you. If you focus on you, you can not fail! Improvement will come with the effort you put forth. This is by no means easy, but it is worth every effort you can muster.
Just want to say you are giving me hope. I am DBing and it seems to be working. I am also going through the emotional rollercoaster that you are going through. One minute is to work on R, another minute is "forget it, getting D is easier". patience. I keep telling myself, "even the worst case this does not work, I will become a better person for myself and my next partner".
ourcrisis
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
See how well you are doing!! Others recognize it, now take some credit and stick that chest out!!! Well, maybe that isn't the best idea, but you know what I mean.
Stand tall and be proud of what you are accomplishing.
Not feeling very positive today. H and I had the R talk wednesday night. He started it. He said I took what he said the wrong way, that he liked parts of his single life but he would give them up for M. But he continues to say that he just doesn't believe that I can make the changes he wants to see. I just told him that there is no way to tell until he bites the bullet and jumps back in. Anyway he was going to stay that night but he didn't. He did call the next morning and apologize for the conversation. I said i accept rather than my usual oh that's ok. I so want to just throw in the towel. Is this worth it. I cry myself to sleep every night. My daughter is so so sad. She hates the house my H lives in. She just sleeps in a room that belonged to a boy. I want him to get a place that she is comfortable in so this is a little easier for her. I want to get a place for me and the kids too and have afresh start.
Me 45 H 51 married 15 yrs D 13, S's 10,8 bomb 1-06, moved out 3-06 filed for D, 7-06,10-06,11-06,12-06 3-07, asked to try again 6-07 D on hold D process restarted 10-07 now trying to reconcile!
Let this sink in; YOU HAVE A TON OF POSITIVES IN YOUR SITCH!
This is all about attitude. One of the best ways for you to maintain a positive attitude is to take some credit for what you have accomplished. Don't focus on negative thoughts and negative feelings. Focus on the many positives YOU have accomplished.
* You have turned you H around. He was on the way out and your efforts have him noticing the changes. He just isn't sure they are permanent. * You have done this BY YOURSELF. Take some credit. What you are doing and accomplishing in idfentify the changes you need and want to make is speaking volumes about your character. Your character is your foundation, the core of who you are. Be proud of that. There are many people who can't hold a candle to you. * Your kids don't like the situation. This also speaks to your character and what both of you as parents have instilled in their character. I see your kids as an ally for you. YOU MUST NEVER USE THEM FOR THIS PURPOSE. This is their choice, but this came from you as a parent. Speaks volumes.
This is all VERY positive stuff. There are many people here who wish they were in a your shoes. Your challenge is to maintain your dignity, keep working on your changes and end each day looking in the mirror, asking yourself if you are proud of what you accomplished. If the answer is yes, pat yourself on the back. This is an extremely difficult time in your life. You are surviving. The effort you put in will relate directly to how well you thrive. If you answer yourself no, make every effort to identify what and why it didn't work, then move forward with determination. YOU CAN DO THIS!
I feel for you sj, I've had the same thoughts racing through my head. The same confusion with trying to differentiate emotion and thought. What do I do, what do I say? I know what I want to say, but is it what I feel?
Do you have someone close you can talk to? Someone who supports you in what you are trying to accomplish. Someone in your corner cheering you on? It really helps.
Try some of these sites. http://www.family.org www.marriagebuilders.com http://www.smartmarriages.com All of these will give you better insight into what you are dealing with. As with anything we don't understand, we should try to educate ourselves before we set out on a solution.
You really are doing better than you know. Make the list of what is working for you. Refresh your efforts by reviewing the list.
Your H is noticing your efforts!!! SHOW him they are permanent. Time is your ally.
Steve, How do you stay so positive!!!! I owe you big big time for pointing out to me how far I have come. Sara
Me 45 H 51 married 15 yrs D 13, S's 10,8 bomb 1-06, moved out 3-06 filed for D, 7-06,10-06,11-06,12-06 3-07, asked to try again 6-07 D on hold D process restarted 10-07 now trying to reconcile!
