Can't agree with everything, but validate her feelings.
Good. That is a start...validating while recongizing that it is not agreeing. Feeling are not something that ar eright or wrong anyway...thus there is nothin go agree or disagree about.
There is always hope. The affair may or may not be over...and she may think it is over, yet it may not be over...she or he may start it up again.
It is typical that the OW/OM makes the MLC/WAW/H feel safe...that is what yields an affair. It is nothing against you. Though you still need to look into yourself and your treatment of her.
Though no one can MAKE another person feel unsure of themself...other peoples confidence in us does help to instill our own self confidence and worth. Did you do things intentionally or unintentionally that showed a lack of confidence in your wife...that showed you didn't believe her to be a worthy person? Did you belittle her and such? How founded are her accusations?
It is perfectly normal in this stage of the game that she still has feelings for the OM...which is why I warn you that it is not over...there is a long OM/OW withdrawal phase...just as from other addictive substances. To get through this with your marriage you need to release the expectation or hope or need that it will be a smooth return...walk-aways return in fits and starts...Sweetheart has so far left and returned 6 times..each time returning to the OW. Hopefully that is more than most. But clearly it happens.
It is not personal. And you don't know what the OM is doing either...the pressure he is putting on your wife to return to him. They often return to the OM/OW for guilt. Sweetheart's OW used her own, her Father's and her daughter's health as well as a faked pregnancy and a threat of indirect suicide. There were a few of his brief hops away that it was clear he misguidedly went back just so she could see that it wouldn't work...and be the bad guy and break it off.
It's not you.
So regarding her self-discovery...what is she discovering...and what about it is scaring you? Is she falling deeper into Depression as she discovers her Demons? Or is she growing and are you afraid of being left behind. Or perhaps she is growing, but in a negative direction and you are afraid she is becoming that new person... ie do you like what she is discovering and fear she won't want you as she discovers her new and wonder ful self? OR do you not like the direction and are thus afraid that these awful new traits are the new her?
If the present discovery is her personal demons...step back and let it happen. This is necessary...and painful to watch...but she's got to go through it.
If it is positive growth and you fear being left behind...you need to look inside yourself and deal with your own fears. Often LBSs fear this for themselves too...they grow while the walk-away does not and fear the walk-away won't like the new (and improved) person...thus many fear improving themselves.
The idea that counseling reopens old wounds uncovers some of this...that the fears are yours too. You also need to face those old wounds...because if counseling can reopen them...they were not healed properly...not dealt with and released.
So are the two of you in therapy together...and not living together yet? Explain this some more...did your wife intiate this? Did she agree readily to your intiation...or did one of you pressure the other? What are her goals and motivation for going to therapy with you? Often it is to help the LBS accept what's happening...that's fine, but do you know? And does the counselor know your goals and motivations...does your wife?
The counselor should know...your wife may or may not need to know...it depends on where she is with her own goals and motivations.
This can take a long time. It takes patience,a cceptance and forgiveness--for yourself and your wife.
But yes, there is Hope and you can do it. Just keep posting so we can keep offering insight.
