Howdy folks, Wow it's been a while since I've been here...new look to the boards and everything.
Well, it seems that H and I have totally switched sides, with him being the HD partner now. As much as it pains me to admit that (so vehement was I that our roles were written in stone), it's the truth. I alluded to it a few months ago but recent events have made it common knowledge at my house. What happened? I don't know! My drive has certainly dipped but not disappeared or anything. I simply do not have that air of desperation clinging to me anymore. When he hugs me, he is not met with panting, thinly disguised hunger any longer. However, I don't reject him. I am responsive to him (more on this later). I totally love sex and have a blast during it.
Things that have changed: I am most likely to be the Hug Breaker now. I'm having trouble feeling physical desire without actual physical stimulation. And the most funny to me: My need for emotional connection before sex has skyrocketed. LOLOL Isn't this a hoot.
I don't know if this is us playing relational leapfrog or if there is a physical component. After 25 years of menstrutating, it seems that I am now having a period every single month. Before I would maybe have em 1 or 2 times per year. Obviously this is bummin MrH out as well. Is my female wiring finally kicking in?
H has been throwing out a few comments here and there but not said anything direct, as is his style. Mostly he gets all submissive as he is initiating and, oh, how it turns my stomach. I couldn't stand it before but now...now...it just literally stops things in its tracks, for me. He will say things like "You're not really in the mood are you" (when I've just climbed into bed and he is obviously looking for verbal and/or physical signs to the contrary) or "You are too tired, I can tell" (huh? I'm wide awake!) The change is that, like I said, I'm not wearing my Desperation perfume anymore and he is floundering and flailing in its absence. So am I, really. We are in a state of transition.
Anyway, one night he got mad at me because he said that I was not responsive to him. I went over my actions mentally and realized that since my physical/mental flipflop I have been sorta laying there with the attitude of "Ok, I'm available to you but you will have to get me aroused if you want to proceed." How totally unattractive!!! And me of all people should fcukin know this!! So the next night I was much more responsive--or so I thought--and things were going nicely until he freaked out and refused to go further. He told me off, was mad the next morning, etc.
I was devastated, folks. This was new territory for me. I cannot believe how crappy the LD side of things is. The feeling of being judged and monitored. Of not living up to someone else's expectations. Of being in a mindframe where you just want to *prove* something about yourself. Of trying to "make up for it" by doing other non-sexual stuff. I was a textbook case and, even though I intellectually know better, I couldn't stop myself from making the classic LD mistakes. It was crazy. He came home that night and we made up and things have been good since. Man, I am hyper aware not to get lazy and seem uninterested. For him, I think he is just SO embarrassed that he reacted with anger after all the years of being on the receiving end of my sexually frustrated anger.
So, I find myself more HD as it is, once again, on the forefront of my thoughts. I really want to please my H, at my core, so I'm concentrating on being more of a giver and not just a taker. This has been one of my main goals over the years and I'm not sure how much I've actually changed in this respect. I'll have to ask MrH for his opinion. (since he's in a space to sock it to me these days, lol)
If I could change one thing in my M...right this minute...it would be to banish forever MrH's placating and/or PA behavior. I was not aware, before, how much this kills my attraction to him, so revved up was I on my own juice. Now that my juice seems to have vanished (I hope temporarily and, furthermore, it can take these monthly periods and dispense with em), it is becoming imperative that I not hear this stuff whilst under the gun to be sexually aroused. He even talks in this babytalk, high pitched voice when he's initiating. Gag. I know he's just nervous and, NOP, I have not forgotten what you said years ago: That he's a regular HD guy who has an initiation hangup/phobia. I know you are right but, dang, how to proceed sexually when I'm in bed with a babytalking toddler..?
Anyway, I thought I would detail the progress of our M, for those who might be in a similar boat. Our frequency is holding steady at about 2-3 times weekly but our roles have completely flip flopped. I can't say I really like it this way but it doesn't feel as unnatural either. I found BlackBud's musings about the burden of leading to be especially appropriate to my life and it prompted me to come out of lurkdom.
