How did you achieve that? I'm assuming it took some time. Did C help with that?
Actually, it ebbs and flows. It's not a constant by any stetch of the imagination. By and large, I think I have done a good job internalizing my self-worth and not relying on what my W thinks of me to "boost" my ego.
Quote:
I'm looking forward to the day my W finally talks,about a lot of things. I hope that day comes.
Give that one some time...maybe a LOT of time and IMHO, for it to be the whole truth and nothing but the truth, maybe never. If you can wait for her to talk on her own schedule, also accept that you may not get it all at once.
Quote:
I keep having to have this lesson pounded home. I guess I don't have to even understand how this happened, just accept that it did - and that I can't control it.
Yea, this part sucks. It hurts almost as much as when you realized that she was caring about someone else. I actually think that getting past this lack of concern for you (note: I didn't say she wanted to hurt you, just that NOT hurting you is no longer on the top of her list) is much harder than getting past the affair. It lingers, but it can be "cured" by a FIRM understanding that she is a big girl, like you are a big boy, and as such, is capable of making her own decisions. If they happen to not fit with your expectations or mesh with what you'd like her to do, well, you just have to accept that and move forward.
Quote:
I've caught myself enjoying the pain. I try to let myself feel the real pain, and if I start to enjoy it, I try to stop. I'm glad you admit to this too. I feel most people don't admit to enjoying their self pity, but my guess is most do.
Oh, we ALL get off on the pain, the self-pity to varying degrees. Anyone who says differently is not only enjoying it, they're in denial about it too. They're a "pain-o-holic".
I don't think it's so much that we ENJOY it as we get used to it and it replaces happiness as our "comfortable" feeling. When we find ourselves feeling comfortable WITHOUT the pain, we start to panic, thinking to ourselves all kinds of nonsense thoughts like "Does this mean I don't love her" "Will she think this means I'm over it?" "This SHOULD hurt still, what's wrong with me?" etc...
Quote:
then learning to vent the "real" pain and allow yourself to get past it
Tricky. Not something I have much practice doing, or examples to copy.
I guess I just mean that there is some pain that is VERY hard not to feel and not in any way fostered by some sense of comfort or "entitlement". THAT pain must be addressed and exercised or else it consumes you. That's a lot of what GAL and such is about.
