I have to ask myself why I would want to set up house with a man who really had no resources to care for a wife. Likewise, why did my H go through with marrying me? I believe he got caught in the machine of me and my family, and didn't want to disappoint. My father was then able to continue parenting me, and adopted my H as a son. I was aware of all of this happening but felt powerless to change the dynamics. My H became more of a son to my father than my brother, who has a manic rebellious streak and keeps my father chasing. My H fed off my father for way too long and I lost respect for him.
My father really is the glue that held us together, and with the passage of time, things inevitably had to change. I think my H now is ready to start to be his own man, and maybe I should give him that chance with someone else, as I believe he wanted to do at one point in all this, instead of trying to turn him into my man.
As for me, I believe I have calmed down and matured enough to have a kinder, gentler, more traditonal relationship. I want that to be with H, but obviously have ambivalence.
When I was younger, I remember saying " ambivalence " is my favorite word. It still is.
