It was a mutual caretaking, giving, nurturing, nesting thing-- or something like that. It created a fun, affectionate, playful, relaxed vibe between us, that I interpreted as arousal. I can relate to that type of activity. Being there and depending on eachother worked for BB and me for a long time.
That rather old book "Nice Girls Do" Mine sits on a shelf right above this computer.
Jenny, You have me thinking about my own dynamics...having a very nurturing father and a mother who tuned me out through adolescence. Those memories of my father are so special, and sometimes I feel I've been transplanted from a lush, tropical island to Beirut, having to deal with a culture I don't understand and trying to find a way to survive. My problem was my poor boundaries and inability to give up fantasy island. On the isaldn my mother was able to act in various abusive ways towards my father and get away with it. That doesn't work in Beirut. I am envious of my mother for the freedoms she's had, but I realize underneath she wasn't happy either. And I've been angry at my father for putting up with it, til I realized that he needs to be seen, in part, as the martyr who can handle it all. Maybe I was just caught in the Bermuda triangle...the whole Freud oepidal thing.
Living in Beirut has gotten me sick. I would have done better in another land but chose to stick it out, probably out of fear of change. But over time I have adapted to things here and have been forced to grow up, to figure out how to survive despite days of being parched with thirst. And that's a good feeling. I'm making Beirut work for me, and it's different and interesting. On my best days I am coming alive again. On bad days I'm nostaglic for the island or wonder what another land would be like. I remind myself I am free to leave, and that helps.
I think part of the problem with my marriage was due to the fact that psychologically I hadn't left my father's house when I got married since I was still in college and hadn't planned on getting married. I was still covered on my father's health insurance when I gave birth to my son. My H was a very young 24 and he didn't have a "house" or even a "tent" to offer me. So I made do and scrapped by on my own resources. I feel like I really probably did my H a disservice in this regard but I'm not dying of guilt because I was just a baby myself. I actually kind of wish that I could give my H "carte blanche" to start all over again, find some younger woman for whom he could be the man. I think my ability to "follow" a man is disappearing with my abiity to ovulate and in any case I don't know if my H and I can really start the dance over and do it right. I feel like I'm going to have to be a wallflower for a long time in this relationship before our old way of dancing can be forgotten.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I have to ask myself why I would want to set up house with a man who really had no resources to care for a wife. Likewise, why did my H go through with marrying me? I believe he got caught in the machine of me and my family, and didn't want to disappoint. My father was then able to continue parenting me, and adopted my H as a son. I was aware of all of this happening but felt powerless to change the dynamics. My H became more of a son to my father than my brother, who has a manic rebellious streak and keeps my father chasing. My H fed off my father for way too long and I lost respect for him.
My father really is the glue that held us together, and with the passage of time, things inevitably had to change. I think my H now is ready to start to be his own man, and maybe I should give him that chance with someone else, as I believe he wanted to do at one point in all this, instead of trying to turn him into my man.
As for me, I believe I have calmed down and matured enough to have a kinder, gentler, more traditonal relationship. I want that to be with H, but obviously have ambivalence.
When I was younger, I remember saying " ambivalence " is my favorite word. It still is.
I think my H now is ready to start to be his own man, and maybe I should give him that chance with someone else
Where did this come from? Are you saying you should release him to be with another woman?
Ambivalence is very 4-ish. Just about wherever we are, we want to be somplace else... until we get there. This is really the main reason why I don't think another R or another partner is the answer for me-- at least not yet, not at this point. The discontent is within me. Not that another partner might not be easier to get along with, have fewer troubling issues, etc., but I can almost guarantee that I would find something to be major-league discontented about within a year or two. That has been my pattern in every other R. I have no reason to believe it would be any different with anyone else.
Of course you are right Lil. Maybe I'd get out of Beirut, but I'd probably end up in Antarctica! I'd end up with the same feeling of deprivation. A nd that's the theory of anorexia; you're stasrving even though there's plenty around; it's a prison of your own making, and somehow I creat that, no matter what the circumstances. My H has said to me I'd have quicker results by hitting him over the head with a bat ( I think he meant this metaphorically), but I've had difficulty picking up the bat. And until I learn to really go to bat for myself, I'll wait this out and hopefully learn something.
I am very proud of myself...I made my first crockpot dish, and with this, I feel I am confronting some more fears of maternal identification. It took me 6 yrs of marriage to have D14 and 20 years to deal with food/cooking phobia. I made an arroz con pollo dish (the chicken was great but the rice was soggy) and my H absolutely loved the effort and gave me a ton of hugs. This domestication is kind of exciting!
a side note to Lil... I am sorry for your loss of the furry one---we have the sweetest dog who is my daughter's best friend---it's going to be a sad day when we lose her.
You guys are going to hate me for saying this (Please remember I consider both of you to be much higher functioning 4s than my H at the moment) but when I start thinking grinchy thoughts about my H's 4ish negative ambivalence they run along the lines of "He's going to be unhappy whether he's with me or without me but I could probably happier if I didn't have to deal with his negativity so the net happiness gain solution for the two of us would be for me to leave.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
