Your post really bothers me because, honestly, what you wrote....is parallel to my previous sitch. So I want to clue you in to something that was going on in my sitch....so you can see if it's happening in yours.
My H said for YEARS that he never thought about sex...sounds familiar right? Well guess what...he did, just not with me. No, he wasn't out sleeping around.....BUT he was getting his sexual fix online. It's this whole whore/madonna comples (I'll explain more in a minute).
My H and I had been married just under three years (with a 2.5 year old son). Since the time I signed up on this BB I had been trying to figure out why my own husband would never initate sex with me....why he seemed to respect and love me, but not "want" me. Well...we got into counseling, but little did I know that he didn't really open up, he avoided doing the work he needed to. However,things really didn't get any better...so I felt like we were wasting our money. I just couldn't let go of this saying of mine though, which I believe to be quite accurate "if he's not getting it with me, he's getting it somewhere." Well, that's absolutely true....he was. No, not sleeping around like that phrase might indicate....but going online to places like adultfriendfinder.com, datematch.com etc and hooking up with women on there. E-mailing them, chatting with them, viewing their pornographic webcams and photos......can you imagine how crushed and angry I was to find that this man was doing this....and in his online profile he wrote things like "I'm a walking hormone ready for it all the time."???!!! This was a side of himeself he NEVER shared with me. My gut was right though....he was getting that sexual fix elsewhere.
So...how did I find this out? I installed a keylogger program on our computer. It took me less than 10 hours before I knew what he was REALLY doing. I highly recommend...that if for no other reason but your own peace of mind that you do the same thing.
Now, all of this may sound absolutely horrible....and well, yeah it was....but it was also the BEST thing that I ever did for our marriage, finding out what was really up. Ever since I confronted my H with PROOF that I knew what he was doing....our situation has improved. He had a BIG deep dark secret that he'd been hiding, and been ashamed of....and now that secret isn't there any longer.
FWIW though I had to put some teeth to this situation, I told him if he continued the behavior he would be out of the house, I wouldn't tolerate him knowing I have needs and selfishly meeting his own while ignorning mine....any longer. I would be a fool to do that. He believed me.
Back to that whore/madonna thing. I suspect your H may suffer from some degree of this as well (although he may not)....because he sounds like he was raised EXACTLY like my H...and had some similar experiences.
Whore/Madonna for my H (and it does vary) basically means.....he marries and falls in love with a woman he respects, admires, and reveres....sounds great huh? The problem is....because he respect me so much, he would never think of defiling me (creating children is procreating, not "sex", so it's not defiling). He put me on a pedestal I never asked to be on. He viewed women that he would have sex with completely different....those women are "sluts", not someone he respected, not someone he would ever consider marrying or having as the mother of his children.....they are someone to be defiled.
Men like my H have a VERY hard time reconciling that his wife is also a sexual person, honestly it took therapy to get him to see me in that light. Does that mean he doesn't think I am beautiful or sexy? Nope...doesn't mean that at all, it means that somewhere in his mind....there is something that keeps him from "defiling" me....and he has to learn (literally learn) to see me for the wonderful sexual woman I am.
I caution you to keep your expectations low if this is the case with your H....what you want, sexually speaking, may be something that your H simply cannot give you. At least not easily or quickly. If he does suffer from this he may improve (mine has) but be careful of trying to turn him into something you think he should be, of having him live up to an ideal in your mind....that's a big trap for both of you.
Corri's book is also a wonderful recommendation and something to consider.
