JSD, Thanks for the clarification and the web-link. The more I try to analyze this stuff the less sense it makes. Reading through, don't see where sending her stuff when she calls to either get her to either go away or bring her closer could be considered passive-aggressive so proceeding with the plan.
Really, seems like almost anything can be interpreted as abusive, controlling, or passive-aggressive. The positive and the negative behavior terms are like two sides to a coin. For me it to simplify for myself, it comes down to motivation or intent. If someone is doing something to be mean then that's wrong, if they are trying to do something to improve things, then its not wrong.
The sublty of the "friends" logic still escapes me but will ponder on it more. The best suited/most correct statement may be a short "We are not friends" rather than the "We can't be friends" which can sound conditional or "We are not going to be friends".
Over 23 years of marriage there were plenty of opportunities for resentment to build up but I think she still carries way more than me. Again with the women radar that can read what men think, can we ever stand a chance:^)? You know, I think that the resentment and pain for both of us can probably best be resolved by the two of us discussing issues together to closure. It is a great challenge to try and not get angry when thinking that the W had an A w/om that wormed his way into my family as a "friend" then broke up the M and the family and she's still with him and only sees him as good. Getting better at meeting that challenge bit by bit daily. Everyone that is my age (mid-40s) has picked up baggage along the way and had to figure out how to deal with it. Think I've come a tremendously long way in the past year and a half.
Congratulations on the new house, looking forward myself to the day when I can get another and settle down finally. With you in that avoidance is the best way to heal. So the talking and me being nice to her on the phone is a way I'm showing her approval of her actions? Interesting concept I'd not considered. Don't know how yours treats you but the whole idea of friends after a long marriage does not even fit any analogies for me anymore, can't compare. Good plan, to take the kids as much as you can, I got mine full time which, while sometimes challenging, is the most rewarding thing to happen. Thanks for the post Jeff, life is indeed really good and maybe great is around the corner. RonJon "Upset-man, probably, angry-man, not"
