He said he's seeing someone new

[Ophelia]

I know this is kinda old news now, but I'd been meaning to write something about my lunch with MIL last week.

I was quite obviously upset during the lunch, and didn't do much of a job hiding it, though I didn't burst out in tears or anything. There were a few times where I very matter of factly spelled out how I felt about how he'd been treating me. I didn't say that in an attempt to hurt her or anything, it's just that I think she's probably the only one he'd have looking out for him right now. I'm sure his buddies, who he and OW no doubt hang out with all the time, aren't worried about him, because he's probably acting like he's on top of the world. So I guess I wanted the one person who could actually be there to watch out for him to have both sides of the story so she can have a better idea of what's going on with him, so she'll have a better idea of how to handle him.

One of the things I said was that my family weren't quite at the point of hating him yet, and I was hoping it'd stay that way because if they end up hating him then that just makes things even harder. She said that if they wanted to be angry at him, that they were perfectly justified and that he's a big boy so if he makes people angry, that's something he'll have to live with, and I shouldn't worry too much about trying to protect him from that.

Anyway, she ended up telling me all about the breakup of her first marriage, (both my ILs were previously married, both with several kids, and H is the only child they have together). I didn't know the details. All I know is that I've met her 1stH, his second wife, and their 2 daughters at family birthday parties over the years. MIL gets along fine with all of them. No animosity there at all.

When H was telling me he wanted us to separate, he said that when his mum and her 1stH broke up, it was just because they'd fallen out of love and were getting on each other's nerves, so eventually decided to live apart. He said that it was only after they separated that they were able to hang out together and really enjoy each other's company again. He was saying that in an attempt to make me feel better about us still being able to stay friends. I don't know if H actually knew the details of his mum's sitch himself, or if he was just flat out lying to me, and I kinda wish I had have asked MIL that question at lunch, because here's how it actually went down....

MIL discovered her H was having an A.....with her best friend....who was also M.

MIL started going to therapy, but stayed in the M.

Eventually, when her H was off on a romantic overseas trip with her best friend, she'd decided she'd had enough. She found a place to rent, took their 3 kids and moved out.

They ended up D, and MIL stayed in therapy to deal with it. Over the course of her therapy, alot of stuff from her childhood ended up coming out....stuff that had gone unaddressed and unresolved. She ended up utterly depressed, and was hospitalised when she developed anorexia. She was barely functional for quite some time, and considers herself lucky to have had great friends around her who would look after her kids on the days when she couldn't drag herself out of bed.

Sounds a bit different to the story H told me, no?

She said that over the last few days she'd been going back and reading her old journals, and she was glad she wrote it all down at the time, because some of it sounds so crazy she wouldn't even be able to make it up if she tried.

She said that considering everything she'd been through, that she knows now that even when she's faced with a situation where she can't stop from breaking down, (like when her 2nd husband, H's father, also had an A), she knows that ultimately she can deal with it and that she'll be OK, and she said that I'd be OK in the long run too, even if it ended up getting to the point where H and I never get back together.

It meant a lot to me to know that I still have a vote of confidence from MIL, even if H thinks I'm worthless. At the end of the lunch, she gave me a hug and said to look after myself. No matter what happens with H, I don't want to ever lose the relationship I have with MIL. I love her as though she were my own, and hate that she's in the middle of all this. I apologised to her for dragging her into it, and said I never wanted to, which is why I hadn't said anything to her about it all until this past week or so when I just lost it, but she said she understood and wasn't upset with me.

I realise it may not be entirely realistic to hope for a relationship with my ILs, (I'm even starting to miss FIL, and I haven't exactly been one of his biggest fans since his A several years ago) if H continues to not want any contact with me, but in the long run, I hope it'll work out, because I don't intend to give up on my ILs, including my BILs and SILs and my nieces and nephews.