He said he's seeing someone new

[Ophelia]

Things were looking up a bit. The R wasn't looking up at all, but I was starting to get my head straight and feel a bit better.

I was going to come here and say how I'd started doing little things, like painting my nails. I always used to do my nails and I have an obscenely large collection of nail polishes in every colour of the rainbow, but I haven't been doing them recently because I just couldn't be bothered considering how low I'd been feeling. But I did them the other night, to cheer me up.

I started listening to the radio again. I always used to listen to the radio if I was on the computer or cleaning or doing the dishes or whatever, and I'd sing along and dance around. But once H left, the love songs made me cry and the songs about heartbreak and lonliness made me cry, so I stopped listening to the radio because it was just too hard. A few days ago I switched it back on.

I was going to start working out again. I only really got into it several weeks back. I'd been saying I was gonna get in shape for ages, but not done anything about it, so finally getting around to it was a 180. It's one of the things I'd been telling H about during our last emails. He'd been congratulating me on it. I hadn't done any of it since the OW bomb, and was going to get back into it yesterday. I've started eating better, so I figured I'd have the energy to get through a workout session.

But then yesterday I got a letter....from his lawyer!

It's not divorce papers, because here you have to have been separated for 12 months before you can file for divorce. It's how they prove that there's no chance of reconcilliation. What I was sent was a "Property Settlement", which basically states who gets what as far as our possessions/debts go. When I googled it to find out what it was all about, (because needless to say, it took me by surprise), it says that you can wait 12 months after you're divorced before filing Property Settlement, so why is he doing it now?!

You know, I'd gotten to the point where I didn't have any real expectations of much happening between us, (and by that I actually mean friendship, not even going so far as the R improving) until at least November. My reasoning is that at the end of October, for his birthday, he's going to Africa to climb Mt Kilimanjaro. I figured that if nothing else, that time away will probably be the first time he'll actually get to himself, and on the way up that mountain, all the way to the summit, he'll have plenty of time for self reflection. I know he was looking at it as kind of a spiritual experience. He decided he has to do it before he turns 30, which is why he's going right before his birthday. I figured that if anything is gonna snap him out of the early MLC he's found himself in, this experience would be it, and after this holiday he might be more human.

But now he's officially on the books of a law firm. Our official separation date is Oct 3rd. How much you wanna bet that towards the end of September, the lawyer contacts him to get the ball rolling on the divorce proceedings? And how much you wanna bet that he'll jump at the chance, so he can have it all neatly finalised so he can be free and clear before he sets off on his spiritual journey to climb that damn mountain!

I know that's getting a bit ahead of myself, but it's like the little hope I had, with the very little expectation I had, has just been shot to hell now that he's gone and seen a freaking lawyer! Now it's not a matter of just giving him his space and not expecting anything til the end of the year. Now it's a matter of counting down til Oct 3, then watching the mailbox for the papers to arrive, and with that deadline now clearly marked in my head, how am I supposed to focus on DBing? But if I don't focus on DBing, then there really will be no hope.

And of course, with the forums down for the last day, I really needed to vent that to the world and I couldn't, so I had to go to bed last night with it still inside. At least I didn't vent to him this time. I didn't contact him at all when I got the letter from the lawyer. I'm sure he was expecting a txt, or a call, or an email, but he's not getting one.

Sorry my posts always end up so long. I tend to ramble, don't I?