He said he's seeing someone new

[Ophelia]

Thanks guys! I have to admit to feeling a bit silly posting it, so it's nice to have it received so well. It hasn't solved all my problems of course, but I think just the process of envisioning the bitterness, anger and jealousy seep out of my skin and being washed away and soaking into the ground has been like having a weight lifted off me. Here's hoping it stays lifted!

What a lovely post Ophelia! I adore it! What a wonderful image.

I would love to quote you in my blog about the rain washing away the crud (you'd be in good company: I've quoted Grasshopper, ToughLover and AmyC to name a few of the 'famous' here) - all anonymously, and with permission, of course!

Wow! I definitely didn't expect a response like that! Yes, of course you can post it in your blog if you wish, BI. I'd be honoured, in fact. You can take the little snippet from the beginning of this post as well if you so desire.

I agree that it was a very nice post Ophelia. The weird thing is I can see it in my head while reading your post. I would like to do it here the next time it rains but it's kind of cold right now LOL and in the summer I didn't want to get hit by lightning so I think I still to do the shower

Yeah, I don't think you wanna try it in the middle of winter or in the middle of a storm. Getting struck by lightening probably wouldn't make you feel a whole lot better.

Excellent. Well one. That's a perfect reaction. (I'm also very jealous of Bris getting that much rain - it hasn't rained here for months)

On the rare occasion it does rain, it usually passes over pretty quickly, and of course it never falls over the dams, so it never does much good to ease the drought.

Do you have Australia DAy things planned?

Just the BBQ I mentioned a few posts back, where I'm taking the morning shift and H is taking the afternoon shift so we can both go without having to be there at the same time.

I've decided that I'm not gonna let that ruin the BBQ for me though. It's his issue if he wants to be that immature that he has to have our friends arrange a schedule just so he doesn't have to run into me. I realise that my relative psycho-ness last weekend is a contributing factor to him not wanting to be around me right now, but you know what, he didn't have to drop the bomb the way he did, when he did, (I'm half wondering if he chose to tell me a week before the BBQ in the hopes that I wouldn't want to go to it after that), and he didn't have to go hooking up with someone else to begin with. He made the choices that created this situation, so he's the one who has to live with that, so I'm gonna try not to beat myself up over it and make myself feel bad. I'm just gonna go along and enjoy the couple of hours I'll have to catch up with friends I haven't seen in ages, have a few drinks and have a good time.

I hope you have a good Australia Day, too!

[Ophelia]

So for the most part, the BBQ was pretty fun. I was only meant to stay til 11:30, but ended up staying until about 2.

I was the first one there, and didn't bring up H when I arrived. It wasn't really until a bit later when I went inside, to keep my friends' wife company while she was feeding their baby, and she asked me how I was doing. I matter of factly told her how I was doing, and we had a good little chat.

A bit later still, I was back outside, and my friend (I'll just call him F from now on) actually brought up the subject of H. He'd sent him a txt to let him know that I was still there, and would be for a little bit longer coz other people hadn't really started showing up til 11:30, so I was hanging around a bit longer than was originally planned so I could actually spend some time with them. He also wanted to check if H was even still wanting to come.

F said that H had "given him attitude" when he'd brought up the subject of the BBQ and said that he (F and his wife) would still like me to go. He originally asked him about in via email, and H just that us both being there just "couldn't happen" and that was that. F wanted to talk about it with him face to face though, so waited til he saw H at work, (they both work for a small company and F is essentially H's boss, but they've worked together for years now so see each other as equals, F was actually best man at our wedding), to discuss it with him further. Apparently when F put forward his idea for us both to be there, just at different times, H said he thought F had "bitten off more than he could chew" (whatever that means, even F appeared confused by that statement) and wasn't at all happy. F told him that if he was that pissed off about it, then he didn't have to come at all if he didn't want to, (F is the kinda guy who doesn't like to beat around the bush much).

F then went on to say that there's "new H" and "old H" and you never know which one you're gonna get on any given day. He said that some aspects of "new H" he liked, eg he's more direct now, so he's more efficient when dealing with clients, but he also said there are aspects of "old H" which he still prefers as well.

He said that H had told him that he wanted to just cut off contact with me for good, so F had suggested that even if that were the case, that one last, face to face talk would probably be a good idea. Later, when F was giving me a lift home, (I don't have a car, so I walked there because they live pretty close, but he offered to drop me home), he said that he thinks that in time, H will come around and we should at least be able to be around one another as friends.

I'm trying to think positively as far as that's concerned. It's hard to be hopeful when not only did he tell me to stop contacting him, but he's also telling other people that he never wants to have contact with me again. Do other WAH/W say that kinda thing and then change their minds at some point down the track? If anyone else has heard of that happening, or has had it happen to them, I'd love to hear from you!

Whatever aliens abducted the kind man I fell in love with, I'd really appreciate it if they'd bring him back one of these days. I miss him, and I'm sad for the kind of person that's been left in his place.

Anyway, I'm back to feeling a bit crap right now, so I think I'll go have a shower, seeing as how it isn't about to rain anytime soon by the look of it and I need me another "symbolic washing away of the crap" session.

I'm glad I went to the BBQ, because I did have a good time playing pool volleyball and seeing some people I hadn't seen in quite a while. It's always a nice feeling when people are happy to see you.

.........

Edited to add that I've had this song stuck in my head for the last couple of days. I suspect it probably hasn't been released in the US, (here's a link to the video clip for it on YouTube if you wanna hear it), as the group who sings it, Evermore, are from New Zealand, but it's pretty huge here right now.

It's a beautiful song, and of course all songs are open to your own interpretation, but I see this one as being a guy speaking to a girl he broke up with, but now he's had a change of heart and wants her back, only now she is unsure, so this song is his way of comforting her. When I listen to the song, I think of how much I wish there would come a day when this is the way H will feel about us and about me....

Light Surrounding You by Evermore

I see you by the water
Your toes dipped in the sand
I thought that it was over
I thought you'd understand
But the feeling is returning
Though time has made us change
And I understand if you don't
Wanna talk to me about it tonight
Tonight

'Cause I see the light surrounding you
So don't be afraid of something new

Time was overtaking me
And I guess I was confused
They were all inviting me
But I wish I had refused
'Cause I've been there before
And I've seen it all
And I believe in you

And if you never had my heart
I would've never called you back
At the start that night
So I want you to know

That I see the light surrounding you
So don't be afraid of something new
'Cause I see the light surrounding you
So don't be afraid of what you're turning into

Blue-eyed sun shines on me
In the morning
Can't help but feel a little cold
Thinking of you

'Cause I see the light surrounding you
So don't be afraid of something new
'Cause I see the light surrounding you
So don't be afraid of what you're turning into
No, don't be afraid
Don't be afraid
Cos I see the light
Cos I see the light
Cos I see the light surrounding you

[4ever_Regretful]

Hi Ophelia,

I have been keeping up with your sitch and wanted to say Hi.

Hope things are looking better for you.

Update soon.

[Ophelia]

Things were looking up a bit. The R wasn't looking up at all, but I was starting to get my head straight and feel a bit better.

I was going to come here and say how I'd started doing little things, like painting my nails. I always used to do my nails and I have an obscenely large collection of nail polishes in every colour of the rainbow, but I haven't been doing them recently because I just couldn't be bothered considering how low I'd been feeling. But I did them the other night, to cheer me up.

I started listening to the radio again. I always used to listen to the radio if I was on the computer or cleaning or doing the dishes or whatever, and I'd sing along and dance around. But once H left, the love songs made me cry and the songs about heartbreak and lonliness made me cry, so I stopped listening to the radio because it was just too hard. A few days ago I switched it back on.

I was going to start working out again. I only really got into it several weeks back. I'd been saying I was gonna get in shape for ages, but not done anything about it, so finally getting around to it was a 180. It's one of the things I'd been telling H about during our last emails. He'd been congratulating me on it. I hadn't done any of it since the OW bomb, and was going to get back into it yesterday. I've started eating better, so I figured I'd have the energy to get through a workout session.

But then yesterday I got a letter....from his lawyer!

It's not divorce papers, because here you have to have been separated for 12 months before you can file for divorce. It's how they prove that there's no chance of reconcilliation. What I was sent was a "Property Settlement", which basically states who gets what as far as our possessions/debts go. When I googled it to find out what it was all about, (because needless to say, it took me by surprise), it says that you can wait 12 months after you're divorced before filing Property Settlement, so why is he doing it now?!

You know, I'd gotten to the point where I didn't have any real expectations of much happening between us, (and by that I actually mean friendship, not even going so far as the R improving) until at least November. My reasoning is that at the end of October, for his birthday, he's going to Africa to climb Mt Kilimanjaro. I figured that if nothing else, that time away will probably be the first time he'll actually get to himself, and on the way up that mountain, all the way to the summit, he'll have plenty of time for self reflection. I know he was looking at it as kind of a spiritual experience. He decided he has to do it before he turns 30, which is why he's going right before his birthday. I figured that if anything is gonna snap him out of the early MLC he's found himself in, this experience would be it, and after this holiday he might be more human.

But now he's officially on the books of a law firm. Our official separation date is Oct 3rd. How much you wanna bet that towards the end of September, the lawyer contacts him to get the ball rolling on the divorce proceedings? And how much you wanna bet that he'll jump at the chance, so he can have it all neatly finalised so he can be free and clear before he sets off on his spiritual journey to climb that damn mountain!

I know that's getting a bit ahead of myself, but it's like the little hope I had, with the very little expectation I had, has just been shot to hell now that he's gone and seen a freaking lawyer! Now it's not a matter of just giving him his space and not expecting anything til the end of the year. Now it's a matter of counting down til Oct 3, then watching the mailbox for the papers to arrive, and with that deadline now clearly marked in my head, how am I supposed to focus on DBing? But if I don't focus on DBing, then there really will be no hope.

And of course, with the forums down for the last day, I really needed to vent that to the world and I couldn't, so I had to go to bed last night with it still inside. At least I didn't vent to him this time. I didn't contact him at all when I got the letter from the lawyer. I'm sure he was expecting a txt, or a call, or an email, but he's not getting one.

Sorry my posts always end up so long. I tend to ramble, don't I?

[Ophelia]

I know this is kinda old news now, but I'd been meaning to write something about my lunch with MIL last week.

I was quite obviously upset during the lunch, and didn't do much of a job hiding it, though I didn't burst out in tears or anything. There were a few times where I very matter of factly spelled out how I felt about how he'd been treating me. I didn't say that in an attempt to hurt her or anything, it's just that I think she's probably the only one he'd have looking out for him right now. I'm sure his buddies, who he and OW no doubt hang out with all the time, aren't worried about him, because he's probably acting like he's on top of the world. So I guess I wanted the one person who could actually be there to watch out for him to have both sides of the story so she can have a better idea of what's going on with him, so she'll have a better idea of how to handle him.

One of the things I said was that my family weren't quite at the point of hating him yet, and I was hoping it'd stay that way because if they end up hating him then that just makes things even harder. She said that if they wanted to be angry at him, that they were perfectly justified and that he's a big boy so if he makes people angry, that's something he'll have to live with, and I shouldn't worry too much about trying to protect him from that.

Anyway, she ended up telling me all about the breakup of her first marriage, (both my ILs were previously married, both with several kids, and H is the only child they have together). I didn't know the details. All I know is that I've met her 1stH, his second wife, and their 2 daughters at family birthday parties over the years. MIL gets along fine with all of them. No animosity there at all.

When H was telling me he wanted us to separate, he said that when his mum and her 1stH broke up, it was just because they'd fallen out of love and were getting on each other's nerves, so eventually decided to live apart. He said that it was only after they separated that they were able to hang out together and really enjoy each other's company again. He was saying that in an attempt to make me feel better about us still being able to stay friends. I don't know if H actually knew the details of his mum's sitch himself, or if he was just flat out lying to me, and I kinda wish I had have asked MIL that question at lunch, because here's how it actually went down....

MIL discovered her H was having an A.....with her best friend....who was also M.

MIL started going to therapy, but stayed in the M.

Eventually, when her H was off on a romantic overseas trip with her best friend, she'd decided she'd had enough. She found a place to rent, took their 3 kids and moved out.

They ended up D, and MIL stayed in therapy to deal with it. Over the course of her therapy, alot of stuff from her childhood ended up coming out....stuff that had gone unaddressed and unresolved. She ended up utterly depressed, and was hospitalised when she developed anorexia. She was barely functional for quite some time, and considers herself lucky to have had great friends around her who would look after her kids on the days when she couldn't drag herself out of bed.

Sounds a bit different to the story H told me, no?

She said that over the last few days she'd been going back and reading her old journals, and she was glad she wrote it all down at the time, because some of it sounds so crazy she wouldn't even be able to make it up if she tried.

She said that considering everything she'd been through, that she knows now that even when she's faced with a situation where she can't stop from breaking down, (like when her 2nd husband, H's father, also had an A), she knows that ultimately she can deal with it and that she'll be OK, and she said that I'd be OK in the long run too, even if it ended up getting to the point where H and I never get back together.

It meant a lot to me to know that I still have a vote of confidence from MIL, even if H thinks I'm worthless. At the end of the lunch, she gave me a hug and said to look after myself. No matter what happens with H, I don't want to ever lose the relationship I have with MIL. I love her as though she were my own, and hate that she's in the middle of all this. I apologised to her for dragging her into it, and said I never wanted to, which is why I hadn't said anything to her about it all until this past week or so when I just lost it, but she said she understood and wasn't upset with me.

I realise it may not be entirely realistic to hope for a relationship with my ILs, (I'm even starting to miss FIL, and I haven't exactly been one of his biggest fans since his A several years ago) if H continues to not want any contact with me, but in the long run, I hope it'll work out, because I don't intend to give up on my ILs, including my BILs and SILs and my nieces and nephews.

[Heywyre]

Who says you can't have a relationship with IL's? You can do whatever you want, so long as they are accepting of it. I know lots of people that continue to have relationships with their IL's long after their relationship with their child disappears.

As for your H, do you know it is VERY common for children of parents, that have had A's, to have A's of their own? It's what they have grown up with and they think its the norm - no big deal. Sounds like your H is thinking along those lines too

[Ophelia]

Who says you can't have a relationship with IL's? You can do whatever you want, so long as they are accepting of it. I know lots of people that continue to have relationships with their IL's long after their relationship with their child disappears.

Glad to hear it's worked for other people. Here's hoping it'll work for me as well if it comes to the point of us not getting back together.

As for your H, do you know it is VERY common for children of parents, that have had A's, to have A's of their own? It's what they have grown up with and they think its the norm - no big deal. Sounds like your H is thinking along those lines too

Thing is, when FIL had the A, H was absolutely disgusted with him for hurting his mum. I can still remember clear as day when we were told what was going on. H stormed out and I found him huddled on the ground outside, crying and incredibly angry with his father. To this day he hasn't fully forgiven him. I pointed this out to MIL, saying that that was why I couldn't fathom why he was now doing exactly the same thing to me, (though he's justified it to himself by saying that our M was over as far as he was concerned before anything happened, so he's not "having an affair", he's just "moving on").

Back when his father's A happened, H said to me, "If I ever start acting like him in any way, I want you to tell me and pull me back into line." Well he's doing it, and I told him, but now he doesn't wanna hear and is happily going about his business, living in denial.

I don't think he considers As to be acceptable behaviour, which is why he's tried justifying it. I think somewhere inside he probably knows the truth, but can't admit it to himself and face up to the fact that he's doing exactly what his father did. He hated his father so much for a long time after the A, so the fear of hating himself that much is probably what's driven him to the easier option of denial.

[Phoenix_spark]

Looks like you got a pretty good read on things. Glad to see your PMA is doing better. Stay tough.

[Ophelia]

My PMA is kinda all over the place, to be honest. Sometimes I feel a bit better, then things happen like getting a letter from his freaking lawyer and everything gets shot to hell. I do feel like I've got a pretty good read on things, but it doesn't inspire me towards a positive outcome. So I kinda know what the deal is, but I don't like it, so it's not really helping me be optimistic about anything.

My PMA is always pretty crap first thing when I wake up each day. Almost every single night H is in my dreams, and they're almost always good dreams. I don't often remember the details, but I do know that usually we'll start out apart, but by the end of the dream we'll end up together. Sometimes we'll end up making out, or ML. Sometimes it'll just be that he's reached out and actually spoken to me. Sometimes he's come to me for help, apologising for all the hurt he's caused, and ended up crying in my arms. The common thread is always that we end up with some kind of contact by the end of the dream. Then the second I wake up, I realise that in the waking world, I'm probably not gonna speak to him, hear from him or see him for weeks to come, and it feels like a punch in the guts and I just wanna stay in bed asleep all day just so I can be with him in my dreams because I miss him so damn much when I'm awake. It often takes a seemingly superhuman effort to actually haul myself out of bed and away from the dreamworld to face the real world for another day.

[4ever_Regretful]

Hi Ophelia,

I am sorry about the letter and can understand why being optimistic is too much to ask for.

If it is any easier, look at it on a day to day basis.

When you get up in the morning, just focus on a few things and know that by the evening you will see your H in your dreams.
Hopefully over time you will have accomplished some of your goals such as getting in shape.

Sorry I am not good at providing words of encouragement.

Just know that you are on my mind.