I have waisted my whole life being married and having no sex for the 18 years and maybe only once a year before that. The first 2 years were more normal but still not really. The pain and shame has affected every part of my life and I am still married to this man of 30 years.. we hve no relationship really. It is one of economic convience. We have 2 children and a grandchild and I see that my life was just a loss for me. Now he is disabled and cannot perform because medically unable. He had no real interest anyway. I thought it was me and internalized it my whole adult life thinking that all men were suppose to be hot all the time. It was a lonly isolated life. sleeping alone too. he had sleep problems so we had to have seperate rooms. I fought and cried and cried and fought for nothing but myself presevation. I then began to accept that this was my fate. alone in a marriage that really was not a marriage. I would like out but at this part and time I can't afford it and I am scared. It makes no sense. I was attractive but my spirit has gone out years ago and along with my youth and beauty. I became uncomfortable around men and could not think about normal relationship and felt very self-concious and hiddious. I hate my husband for what he did and used me and what I allowed him to waste my life and time. He loved me for having a maid and a mother and caregiver... Other than that I was a aprogressive and intelligent woman who was educated and tried to keep up with things. this has warped my whole image so I just denied for many years that anything was wrong. Denial of many aspects of my life.
