I went to workout today and it took me back to last year at this time and things were really not so grand between my h and I and I foolishly thought love would conquer all. I am doing well most days and just trying to work thru alot of old bsggage and leave it all behind. It is soo true that you can forgive but you never forget. I am now working again on my physical appearance and hope that in 5 weeks if I really buckle down while my H is away that I can whip myelf into shape. The lbs diet left me very trim and thenwhen we were on our "second Honey moon" we spent alot of time in bed I was still staying fit but now I need to put my nose to the grind stone and get in shape.

I will also be dong alot of reading while he is gone and have bought a new book on sex to give me some pointers. I read an article recently regarding sex drive and I felt like I needed to really read it and it made alot o sense it said sex drive can get really low and diminish with stress and other stuff ,,,

mine has goten a little low and I know it is b/c I am still holding onto my sadness. My H still has the Tattoo and I know I give it way tooo much importance but I am trying not to and just let it be ,, but it so feels like he keeps it to throw it in my face " hey I can do this again if you do not keep being who I need !" I know this is not the case but it does make my mind race,,,

I am going to try real hard to Journal again and just get myself in order. I can tell I really miss him already and it has not even been a week since he has been gone and I will have to let my heart ache some and just get thru this. He seems lighter on the phone and I just hope that he can face some of his demons while he is gone but I highly doubt he will use this time to do any refelection. He always seems to blame me for his feelngs and does not take ownership. I really would love for us to go to counseling but I know he will not like the idea so I do not mention it.

I am going to continue to find me and the strength I need to make this work,,,it has been 6 months since we Reconciled and things are so different and at times I see a glimpse of the old us and I work hard to change it. I know I need to be lighter and just forget what happened a short time ago and yet I am scared if I just let go and enjoy he will go back to being who he was and I will go back to being extremely insecure and vulnerable.
Well it is another day and tommorrow I wil get up again and try more and learn more about myself.
God bless...