Hi Nicola, I can really relate to the restlessness you feel, wanting to know how it turns out, to have an answer. I think ISLH and BND both shared excellent advice with you. At this very moment I am feeling calm and happy, so oddly "OK" with the fact that my M is "in limbo" because there is a process going on and time is needed to sort it out and currently that seems appropriate and right. I encourage you to work within yourself through prayer, meditation, exercise, talk with friends, pampering and rest, reading - whatever will assist you - so that you can regain a place of stillness and peace within yourself before you take any actions.
I also have felt (many times) that I would like to file for a D just to push my sitch to a resolution of some sort. But the truth is, I do not want a D, I only want to start moving forward with some kind of decision, so I can map out a future plan. I like to plan! However, I have decided that I will only put energy into that which I want. Since I don't want a D, it will get no energy. So now I am focusing only on things that I do want, that will bring me joy, and I am setting aside (ignoring) the things I do not want by giving them no energy. Right now, what will get my energy is my school work, my home and my health. My H is doing what my H is doing. He has given energy to things that were/are destructive to our M. He now has to deal with that. All I have said to him recently about that (when he initiated the convo) was that he is free to go if that's what he wants, but that a D is not what I want so I will not initiate it. That I won't be difficult about it if he thinks that will make him happy, but that I remain committed to our M.
You are in a very good situation right now, Nicola, if you want to reconcile in your M. Your H has ended his A with OW, right? You have children, right? Your H is in therapy, working on himself. He is afraid he can never love again, that he is too damaged. That is normal, he is in a deep process of dealing with the damage he has done, and not liking who he is. How can he love you if he does not love himself right now? That will take time. Your H is communicating with you. That is good. You are really doing very, very well.
Can you find some compassion and patience for your H right now? Can you ease up on any expectations or demands you have of him (emotionally) for a bit longer and find some ways to fulfill yourself and grow which will not force your M in a "final" direction? We all have difficulty in the space of ambiguity and change. But that is where the growth and learning will happen.
Also, I have recently stopped the "walking on eggshells" with my H. I have maintained vigilance around my behavior, my words and actions, however, which I intend to do for life. I am calmer and more at peace, and less impatient, with everyone. Because H is confused and confusing at times, it is more work to be around him than most people. But I am not "holding back" myself - I am laughing, spontaneous, etc. and I have also confonted him when I have needed. This has been done differently from how I did it before, and after much thought. The Conways book "When your Mate Wants Out" has been the most helpful to me (other than DR) in finding peace and patience for my H during his MLC. I am also reading some Buddhist books now (Thich Naht Hahn and Pema Chandron) and they are supporting me in my becoming. I have discovered that my journey with H is my journey of my life anyway. I am not in a rush about my M because I have work of my own to do right now.
Wishing you love and peace this morning, Nicola
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
