First of all I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post to me. It has been crazy at my house and I wanted a chance to re-read your thread properly before I responded.
So much is going on in your head and maybe you might be overthinking things just a little.
Standing for your Marriage is hard work and it can suck the life out of you if you let it.
As for the grieving process, it is something you have to allow yourself to do. This was the hardest part for me. I couldn't get myself to understand that the Marriage I had with my Husband for 20 years was dead. Gone. Finished.
I kept thinking that if I allow myself to think that then I would give up trying and would lose hope that maybe somewhere along this journey we could possibly reconcile.
I think I held on for far too long and refused to see that IF we were to reconcile then it would have to be a totally new and different relationship. And if we were to Divorce, then it would also be a totally different relationship.
I also got to a point that I was just fed up.
I wanted something to happen and after struggling for so long I was ready to shake him off of the fence.
I was tired of being motivated by fear.
Tired of watching my every move, and walking on eggshells.
I reached a point that for my own mental health a decision had to be made by my Husband.
I got the courage to finally tell him that I was ready to move to the next stage.
I was OK if he wanted to go ahead and proceed with the Divorce.
That it wasn't what I wanted but I was also tired of living in limbo and wanted the same chance to move on with my life as he had.
He told me that he no longer wanted a Divorce either.
I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry, I just thanked him.
I know I am rambling here, and I am sorry for my lack of eloquence in my words, but I really do think that we are motivated by fear.
We lose ourselves in this MLCBS because we are so afraid that everything we say or do will be used against us and will push them further away from us.
I was tired of living with a gun to my head. I wanted to be able to speak my mind, be able to have a shi**y day and attitude if I wanted. I was fed up with my whole world revolving around his moods, his depression, his wants, his needs. I wanted to be able to laugh again and be silly and have some fun without worrying that it might piss him off.
The sad part in all of this, is that he has told me recently that all of the things I was afraid of doing are the things he wanted me to do.
He wanted me to be happy and carefree and confident. To be able to speak my mind again. It was again my own fears that prevented me from moving forwards.
The comment your Husband made to you about loving you is one that you must not analyze. Many times throughout the crisis I heard different variations of this.
I love you, I hate you, I will always care about you, I don't love you anymore, I only love you as the Mother of our children, blah, blah, blah!
Personally, I do not think you should file for a Divorce as it is NOT what you really want.
You just want the pain to end and to stop living like this.
Divorce will not solve your problems with your Husband, it will just bring you different ones.
Sometimes we have to just take a break from the situation and make a mental choice as to shelve our feelings for the day, or a weekend.
Turn off the phone, don't check the emails and live a little and have some fun. The problems will still be there waiting for you, but you may feel a little better to be able to face them again.
My situation now is very different and I am excited about my future. But I am also very aware of the fact that neither my Husband or I are the same people. It is a new relationship.
The old one is now dead, and now that my head is much clearer I can say that I no longer miss it, especially the last 5 years when it all went to hell.
Again, I don't know if anything I have posted makes sense, I had 2 cups of coffee this morning and have the jitters!!
Take care and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
