My H,and I, married now 35 yrs.. Bomb 2 1/2 years ago and H living with OW since then. I am posting this to give some info to any with contact with WAS who have OP issues. I have gradually restablished friendly relations with H, tho contact sparse.. but I take a firm stand on some issues.I have stood up to H on these. Usually he retreats again, but slowly comes forward. I have an email friend.. for 2 years now ,who is in 60s, and 10 years ago got her H back after 3 years with OW.She has been amazing in support and giving me advice and keeping me right about many things.
The recent posts I have put in Laughing's thread, but now starting thread of my own again. Old one too far back now! Anyway, this time when H came for his 3 monthly visit, on advice of Carol, I held up my hand when he was talking about OW, as if quite OK, and said, "Stop, I did not want to hear about her, just want to hear about you." He has been a bit withdrawn since. Here is Carol's reply.
"Yes, My H was protective of HER in the first year or two...but, that slowly changed. Partly as a result of my not being seen as the big bad wife anymore and partly because he began to see that she wasn't the angel he hoped she'd be.
I kept telling myself that no-one's perfect...no-one's perfect. It comforted me to know that sooner or later, he'd realize that she was just another woman and that she wasn't worth it.
All the while, making sure that his every interaction with me was calm, pleasant and enjoyable.
I trusted that she too would turn into "a wife" and that sooner or later I'd begin to look like a girlfriend.
Sure, he probably didn't like it when you let him know you don't want to hear about her. But....I know the next time you see him, be sure he will have a good time and leave you with a smile on his face...!
Remember that 180 thing? I think that's what it means. By setting a boundary with him, you did a 180. Told him you have too much self respect to have him rub your nose in her."
So, lets all keep our self respect when dealing with WAS! I will let you know how it goes when I do eventually have contact again. Meanwhile.. on with my life, no-one controls me but myself!
It's good to see you posting again. I wanted to say something about this: It comforted me to know that sooner or later, he'd realize that she was just another woman and that she wasn't worth it.
I believe it is highly important that we, the LBS, keep this in mind at all times. I know I am guilty of pretty much equating the ow as Helen of Troy in my mind (early on) because in order for my H to leave our marriage it must have been for someone as marvelous and perfect as that. I was very wrong, of course. The words, "just another woman" are powerful. That is all the ow is, and eventually, just as your friend pointed out, she will begin to be seen as just another woman in the MLC'ers eyes too. It takes time, but it does happen.
Thanks for sharing this. Good to hear from you. Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hi Calder, Ditto - it is good to see you posting again!
I think the contact with your h is in a good range. The important thing for YOU right now is not to get upset and have your life in a twist in the days looking forward to a visit from him, and in days after the visit as you analyze the time spent together - as was true previously. You seem calmer, and I hope that is the case for you.
Also, how can your h be "a bit withdrawn" since your last visit if you only see him about once every three months anyway?
What a relief to be beyond the worst of the emotional upheaval over this isn't it? xxx Amy
In my case, because of my sitch I don't think I can hang out the two or three years alone and so I am in a new R, which will leave me better than I started (cooking skills, new hobbies, etc.) It also helps me 180, since, if I don't want to talk about my R, then I don't expect the STBX to tell me about his. As you say, I don't want to hear about his, because then I would have to talk about mine and I don't want to do that either. Though I think he is not "with" OW at this point, I feel that they are still talking and possibly going out occasionally. I know he bought her a Christmas present (cheap one).
I can see down the road perhaps having to choose between the new guy and my ex, but frankly right now a lot would have to happen (changes in STBX) to make me leave the current R. Besides that, I also intuitively feel that there is much more to STBX's R with OW than he has told me. Otherwise why so much secrecy? (He doesn't give me his address, for instance, though he can check on me whenever he pleases, seems to be getting most of the bills through a post office box, etc. This kind of secrecy and he expects me to go through mediation??? That's just wierd, and I don't trust him anymore.)
Quote: "Yes, My H was protective of HER in the first year or two...but, that slowly changed. Partly as a result of my not being seen as the big bad wife anymore and partly because he began to see that she wasn't the angel he hoped she'd be.
I think I will end up being the big bad wife for a while, because I refuse to move out of the house until I can put a down payment on a place of my own (when one of the properties gets bought). That stalls things as far as STBX is concerned, but I feel he owes me that. I told him I will not go back into renting again. I don't feel old, but I am definitely too old to mess with rent increases year after year after having owned our own home for over 15 years!
BluePoet
*M:50 WAH/PA:47 *M:29+ *Bomb:10/13/06 *Sep:10/17/06(me in house) *H wants D-11/30/06 *01/08/07- Me - NG, New R *2/26/07- filing of D *5/29/07- D final *08/25/07- Me - New R ends. - is ex-h living with OW? *D:32, S:24
Sorry for delay in posting as it took me a time to get back on here after upgrade. Thank you for your welcome back.. tho not away long! Yes, we had such a happy marriage and friendly relationship that I could not believe at first I was ditched ,and of course he said she was totally wonderful.. Now I know that is not true, and boys and G/Fs cannot stand her and in laws at first positive, find her too ingratiating, bossy, friends described them now as "not our kind of folk". So she has flaws, which he will live to rue I am sure!
We must all remember this and feel our own worth.For they will surely try to put us down to begin with at least.. but may see us later in a better light if we are fair and friendly with them. We need not be defensive but allow ourselves to grow and blossom, let them see this in us.
Thank you for your welcome too! Yes I am a lot calmer now,tho still hurt a little, I suppose that he stalls in responding to me when I ask for help over the house we still jointly own ,as he was before so keen to help and loved being useful. That is mainly what I mean by him being quite withdrawn.He also is not using the IM which he used to do before.. So I feel another avenue closed, tho I must admit I also withdrew a bit too, from that if I saw he was on. The last time, after we met, he had said he would be in touch very soon, come over, big hug,kiss etc..This last time after I spoke re OW he did not say anything at all about seeing me again when he left and no hug or acknowledgement from him.. So is a difference, not just in my mind.
I have a good life so cannot complain.. friend over on Wednesday, and another for sleep over and girlie time on Friday. Then seeing New Guy on Saturday PM and for walk on Sunday with group.
We are climbing Ben Lomond.. Which is on the "bonnie,bonnie banks" of the Loch. Great!!
Thank you for your response! I think in your case you are quite right to move on if you have met someone you really like and want to be with.
If your STBX does want to come back he will have to realise that ,sooner rather than later.. or sounds like it is nearly too late. But it certainly helps to have a new person around. bosts the confidence, eases the loss and loneliness. I think you are right to hang onto the house as long as suits you.. your life may have been different.. may have had big house of your own if not married family etc.. I do not know. I certainly put my career to the back burner and lost seniority to go part time due to H's wish , raising our sons,and to support his career moves. If he is being secretive then trust him as far as you can throw him.. protect yourself.
Just checking in, it's been a bit -- glad to see you've started a new thread and that you're still galloping about the countryside! Thanks for sharing what Carol's been saying, too late for me I fear (D shortly) but should be quite a help to others here.
