My H,and I, married now 35 yrs.. Bomb 2 1/2 years ago and H living with OW since then. I am posting this to give some info to any with contact with WAS who have OP issues. I have gradually restablished friendly relations with H, tho contact sparse.. but I take a firm stand on some issues.I have stood up to H on these. Usually he retreats again, but slowly comes forward. I have an email friend.. for 2 years now ,who is in 60s, and 10 years ago got her H back after 3 years with OW.She has been amazing in support and giving me advice and keeping me right about many things.
The recent posts I have put in Laughing's thread, but now starting thread of my own again. Old one too far back now! Anyway, this time when H came for his 3 monthly visit, on advice of Carol, I held up my hand when he was talking about OW, as if quite OK, and said, "Stop, I did not want to hear about her, just want to hear about you." He has been a bit withdrawn since. Here is Carol's reply.
"Yes, My H was protective of HER in the first year or two...but, that slowly changed. Partly as a result of my not being seen as the big bad wife anymore and partly because he began to see that she wasn't the angel he hoped she'd be.
I kept telling myself that no-one's perfect...no-one's perfect. It comforted me to know that sooner or later, he'd realize that she was just another woman and that she wasn't worth it.
All the while, making sure that his every interaction with me was calm, pleasant and enjoyable.
I trusted that she too would turn into "a wife" and that sooner or later I'd begin to look like a girlfriend.
Sure, he probably didn't like it when you let him know you don't want to hear about her. But....I know the next time you see him, be sure he will have a good time and leave you with a smile on his face...!
Remember that 180 thing? I think that's what it means. By setting a boundary with him, you did a 180. Told him you have too much self respect to have him rub your nose in her."
So, lets all keep our self respect when dealing with WAS! I will let you know how it goes when I do eventually have contact again. Meanwhile.. on with my life, no-one controls me but myself!
