SEE!!! This is EXACTLY why I am so dam scared. I know I am 'what iffing' here...but I do not see my H as being any different now than he was before the A-he still is not able to open up to me, like I thought he used to be able to do, and explore his emotional state that led him to betray us.
We are buddies, get along famously most of the time, sure we have our differences (we call them snits) but we overcome them by seeing the humor in them. Humor helps quite a bit. BUT-this is where I saw us before the A. Now, there were a lot of contributing factors-we'd just moved, I went back to work, he went overseas for a year...ok, so the solution to that was no more long-term separations, fine, we've both agreed to that. But if I don't know what else contributed, because he cannot tell me yet, then....? I am starting to feel very uneasy. I have come this far and do not intend to give up-not at all the point to this post here.....so what IS the point?!
I fear that eventually he will be compelled to do this again-sometimes he is so distant I flip out wondering what he is thinking, if I ask he says 'oh nothing really', if I don't ask...he says nothing. It is sometimes disheartening that no matter what I try-and even when I try nothing....it does not change. I cannot help him fix this, like he asked me to, if I don't know what is broke. What if maybe nothing is broke? Then where does that leave it?
I need a good dose of patience.
H is going away on a trip tomorrow thru Saturday. I trust that he is going and doing what he says....other people he works with are also attending-it's kind of a big briefing with lots of people...I do not mistrust him in this. He sent me a note this morning when he got to work...I had sent one yesterday asking about our plans and his work next weekend (after Moms day) and he said he want to do nothing but cancel everything he has going on this weekend, and every other weekend and just be with us.
This gives me hope and strength and is a direct display of his committment.
So why am I fearful? Because he said things like this and acted like this before, too.
I just had to get that out, it will stay here-and inside my head.
