Journaling:

During my drive home from work this morning, I contemplated whether I should hold onto hopes of reconciliation. Guess guilt and my fear of being disappointed in the outcome got the best of me.

If we do reconcile, would it be fair for him? Would he be able to accept me back into his life wholeheartedly? Would things be the same? I don’t want the kind of marriage we had before this.

I know that if I was DBing, no matter what the outcome, I will be in a better position to live my life with/without him. I just don’t understand why I am confused about what I want. One minute I can’t bear the thought of not spending the rest of my life with H as his W. The next, I feel great we can still be friends without all the commitment.
Has anyone been in the same position?

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Later in the afternoon, we (H, DD, his immediate family, and I) attend a house warming party for his cousin. H actually spends much more time by me at this gathering than at any other events we have gone to. Good sign? I am usually left to mingle with everyone else whether I have been introduced to them or not. Over the years, I have grown accustomed to this so this was a surprise to me. The surprises don’t stop there. H inquired if I wanted something to eat, if so, he was going to get it for me. Like I said I was usually left to my own devices, so this was a welcome change. Could he be doing a 180?

Or should I attribute this to him being aware I was upset prior to coming to the gathering? H found me in the bedroom on the phone looking quite concern. I was on the phone with the bank, frustrated they had made a mistake which caused my account to be overdrawn. I shooed him out of the room. When he asked if anything was wrong, I replied with a no. H did not pursue with questioning, but stated there is something wrong. I have never been good with my finances. H had always taken care of it. I didn’t want him to be reminded of what a burden it was to handle it for me. Me, meaning my parents finances as well.

H wouldn’t have acted that way simply because he thought I was upset, right? When I was upset before, if I stated nothing was wrong he wouldn’t have acted so nice. H would have simply concluded I was able to handle it on my own.

Even if I don’t consider those actions, I can be happy for the following. I caught him looking at me several times across the room with adoration. Thinking about it, warms my heart.

Taking it day by day. Today was a good day.