Just need words of encouragement, please no judgments.
I am the one to blame and need to suffer the consequences of my actions. I never thought I could be capable of doing what I have. I have always pride myself for my honesty and consideration of others. What happened?!
My H and I were high school sweethearts and after dating for 8 years we got married. We were the perfect couple to everyone we knew. After being married for a little over a year, I had an EA which lead to a PA once (I know how many times does not matter, but it helps me somewhat.) The worst of it is that it was with his best friend. That ended not long after it begun. A year after that I found myself in another EA with OM. This time, my H found out. I was not being discreet at all. In a way I guess I wanted him to find out. He had loaded a key logger on our computer, so he was aware of what I was typing during my ims with the OM. When he confronted me, I was overwhelmed with guilt and saw no way I could fix the issue. So, what did I do when he confronted me? Being the weakling I am, I ran. I packed up my stuff and moved back in with my parents.
After we got married, we were living with his parents in the house he owned. He wanted to work things out so, we both moved out to an apt to work on our relationship. I took it for granted that everything was going to be back to normal. I did not try to understand why I had the A s nor even considered how it may have affected my H. I was in denial about what I did.
About two months after that, he found out about my earlier A with his best friend. At the time he did not bring it to my attention, but I noticed he was withdrawing. He went out more and was rarely around. Not long after that, I found out I was pregnant. He was upset when I told him and said he did not want a child with me because we were going to get a divorce. Thinking back, I still thought we were trying to work our relationship out. We had a few short words and decided I should get an abortion. We went to the clinic together, but I was unable to go through with it. After discussing it with him, we decided that even though we may not be together, we can co-parent. In the beginning of my pregnancy he was not around much. Later in the pregnancy, he was around more and started taking care of me. There were times when he was sweet and at others where I felt abandoned. During my pregnancy, it finally hit me what I have done. I have ruined my future baby’s family. I had a H that would have done anything for me prior to the A, but I threw that away. I fell into a deep depression. I started seeing a C. It helped a bit since I was in suicidal mode. There are times when I would still contemplate it, but not as seriously as I once did. My baby is a great deterrent.
My DD was born last August. H moved back in with his parents in Oct. with our D. H mother is the primary caretaker. I moved back in with my parents in Dec. of last year. I would have DD for the weekends.
Fast forward to today. Since the beginning of the year I have been staying over at H place to be with my DD. I finally work on understanding why I had the As and seeing everything I have done wrong starting with the A s and then not helping my H heal. Since then, I have become an open book, but he tells me I don’t need to. Everything seemed to be working out well with some ups and downs. We were on what I considered a high point when H filed for divorce January 9, 2007. This was all my doing with my constant questioning and need for reassurance. I am still staying over to be with DD and we have been intimate. That was up until last week. I should have read DR because I did not give him the space he needed. I asked if until the divorce was final, if we could was tried to work things out.
We talked over lunch Monday and the following are the conclusions:
No more physical contact of any kind ( hugs, holding hands, etc.) He said he did not want to mislead me into thinking we still had a chance. I can continue living with him and his family until the end of the year. It would not bother him, because he is rarely home anyways. I would be able to help my MIL with DD. With my graveyard shift at work, I will only be seeing him for a couple of minutes as he moves from one side of the bed to the other. My DD sleeps in the middle of the king size bed. At that time, I will be done with school. We are friends. But he did not want my parents or siblings to have any expectations of him. Though the friends he hangs around with are my cousins. I bring this to his attention, but he dismisses it saying they are his friends, period. He does not mind me being involved with his family and relatives. I have always had a good relationship with them.
I spoke to a DB coach on Wed. morning and was told to GAL, 180s, and LRT.
List of action items:
1. Learn how to cook Talked to MIL and she told me once I was done with school at the end of the year, she will teach me. MIL and the rest of his family and mine as well see this (D) as a phase that will past. 2. Join group activities with DD Started looking online and found some interesting yoga activities, but may not work with my school schedule. 3. Focus on school Starting to read ahead for the coming semester. 4. Focus on work Just got promoted and working hard. 5. Do not detach 6. Give him my undivided attention and show sincere interest in what he is doing Have not really had a chance. Perhaps during the weekends.
If anyone has any suggestions on how I would be able to accomplish any of the above, please let me know.
Up until our talk on Monday I was calling him everyday to say hi. He didn’t seem to mind and at times would even seem to enjoy my calls. Should I start to call him again? I decided to stop after our talk on Monday since he has gotten to the point of no more physical contact. But then, one of our major issues is trust because of my betrayal.
And also doing a 180 would simply be doing what I have been doing since the start of our R. H admired my independence and confidence, but not sure how he will view it now due to A s.
At times I feel like I should just be happy he still wants to be friends and not push it. I mean I have put him through HELL and back, should I even deserve a chance to be with him again.
I hope no one judges you. Speaking for myself, I only wish my WAH, who is currently having an A, will have a change of heart and want to put in the effort to try to come back and make things better. It's a tough path you've chosen, and it takes some guts to own up to what you've done for the sake of your marriage and your daughter. Hang in there!
I don't really have any advice, because I'm nowhere near the attempted reconciliation stage with my WAH, and don't even know if I'll ever get there. Have you got a copy of DR? There's a whole section on Infidelity, and part of it is written specifically for the spouse who strayed so they have an idea of how to handle things best.
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
I have been refreshing the page every couple of minutes in hopes of getting some insights.
Realizing the damage I have done, I wish I could speak to ppl like your WAH and tell them first hand what they are out to lose. It took me over a year and a pregnancy to get it, so don't lose heart. He will eventually see the light. For his sake I hope you still want him when he does.
Thank you for your suggestion, I have a copy of DR and have read it. But I am going to reread.
I'm a LBH who's W was/is having an EA. This has been ongoing for at least 15/16 months that I can tell, maybe longer. I think it might be dying down now and W is having second thoughts. We've been separated going on 14 months and emotionally/physically detached for 17/18 months. I now have OW and am starting to get the feeling my W is trying to reconnect with me. She's really poured it on since she knows I've become somewhat involved with only one OW. Not so bad when I was dating multiple OW, but this one in particular is affecting her.
I don't know if I have the same feelings for her anymore and sometimes I wish she would get the notion of reconciliation out of her head so I won't have to deal with it. I don't mean to discourage you, I'm just being honest as a H who's W deceived him and was not faithful. Maybe I can help you see his point of view.
There's a very huge trust factor involved. I'm not sure I can trust W anymore and that steels from my attraction for her. Her past actions and treatment of me have affected my physical attraction to her and that's a biggie to overcome. OW looks better at this point. This is what your WAH might be going through now and I would suggest doing anything possible that rebuilds that trust. Your still early enough in this process to retrieve your H's attraction so you need to stick with it if you want him back.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Thank you for giving me some insight into what he may be thinking.
Yes, trust is the major issue here, but I don't know what I can do without him getting annoyed at my attempts.
At one point I was texting him with info of where I was going throughout the day. He finally told me to not do so, because he was paying for each text in addition to his cell phone plan bill. I forwarded emails with any changes to my work schedule to him. When I ask him about it, he tells me he doesn't read my emails. I then decide to write him in a notebook regarding my day with info of my whereabouts, but I am sure he has not even looked at it.
Thanks for the reasurrance that there is still something I can do. I am just not sure what.
His request to not have any physical contact just makes me feel like there is no more hope.
I think you misunderstand. It's not necessarily about letting him know where you are and what your doing. That can be monotonous and it's not something I would need or want to have to know from my W.
You have to let him know he can count on you if need be. That you are there if he needs you. One thing a LBS feels when S has an A is abandonment. You start to realize that the only one you can count on is yourself. You become very independent, self sufficient, and somewhat protective of your affections. That's the mind set you might be dealing with. You have to show him you can enhance his life with your presence. Do things he isn't expecting, but adds value or comfort to his lifestyle. Little everyday things that show him he's important to you. That's how you build trust. I wish I could give you more specifics, but everyone has different emotional and physical needs. I would suggest reading "The 5 love languages" by Gary Chapmen to find out what needs your H has.
He needs to look at you as a partner he can trust again. It may take some time.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Thank you Astimegoeson for clearing that up for me.
Yes. He has become very independent, self sufficient, and protective of his affections.
Planning to purchase the 5LL book to figure out what his love language is.
Even though you are not able to give me specifics, your suggestion about doing little everyday things has prompted some ideas for me. Thanks a million!
I received a call from H. DD has a cold; coughing and congestion since last night. H takes care of her during the night until I get back in the morning about 6am. His Mom takes over care when she wakes up at 8am until I get up at noon. He asked how DD was doing? Then went on to tell me when he was leaving for his business trip this coming Monday plus details. Could this be the results of LRT and 180? I stopped calling him or initiating contact since Monday. He could have called his Mom to ask about DD since we both take care of her during the day. But I am trying not to be too hopeful and to take it at face value. Either way my PMA is at an all time high.
On a side note: Planning to take his nieces and nephew on little "adventures" on Fridays after they get off school as weekly rewards for completion of chores.
If it shows results, keep it up, but don't expect drastic change. Not contacting him seems to peek his desire to talk to you even if it seems like mundane details. I seldom, if ever contact my WAW and it's been that way for the past 8 or 9 months. She calls me all the time anymore with inconsequential stuff, but I know she's just checking in on me and she volunteers all kinds of information about herself that I don't request. It takes a lot of time and patients. Keep it up!
Good for you that your PMA is high. You'll have the good and bad days, but time will smooth out the peeks and valleys.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
