Just need words of encouragement, please no judgments.
I am the one to blame and need to suffer the consequences of my actions. I never thought I could be capable of doing what I have. I have always pride myself for my honesty and consideration of others. What happened?!
My H and I were high school sweethearts and after dating for 8 years we got married. We were the perfect couple to everyone we knew. After being married for a little over a year, I had an EA which lead to a PA once (I know how many times does not matter, but it helps me somewhat.) The worst of it is that it was with his best friend. That ended not long after it begun. A year after that I found myself in another EA with OM. This time, my H found out. I was not being discreet at all. In a way I guess I wanted him to find out. He had loaded a key logger on our computer, so he was aware of what I was typing during my ims with the OM. When he confronted me, I was overwhelmed with guilt and saw no way I could fix the issue. So, what did I do when he confronted me? Being the weakling I am, I ran. I packed up my stuff and moved back in with my parents.
After we got married, we were living with his parents in the house he owned. He wanted to work things out so, we both moved out to an apt to work on our relationship. I took it for granted that everything was going to be back to normal. I did not try to understand why I had the A s nor even considered how it may have affected my H. I was in denial about what I did.
About two months after that, he found out about my earlier A with his best friend. At the time he did not bring it to my attention, but I noticed he was withdrawing. He went out more and was rarely around. Not long after that, I found out I was pregnant. He was upset when I told him and said he did not want a child with me because we were going to get a divorce. Thinking back, I still thought we were trying to work our relationship out. We had a few short words and decided I should get an abortion. We went to the clinic together, but I was unable to go through with it. After discussing it with him, we decided that even though we may not be together, we can co-parent. In the beginning of my pregnancy he was not around much. Later in the pregnancy, he was around more and started taking care of me. There were times when he was sweet and at others where I felt abandoned. During my pregnancy, it finally hit me what I have done. I have ruined my future baby’s family. I had a H that would have done anything for me prior to the A, but I threw that away. I fell into a deep depression. I started seeing a C. It helped a bit since I was in suicidal mode. There are times when I would still contemplate it, but not as seriously as I once did. My baby is a great deterrent.
My DD was born last August. H moved back in with his parents in Oct. with our D. H mother is the primary caretaker. I moved back in with my parents in Dec. of last year. I would have DD for the weekends.
Fast forward to today. Since the beginning of the year I have been staying over at H place to be with my DD. I finally work on understanding why I had the As and seeing everything I have done wrong starting with the A s and then not helping my H heal. Since then, I have become an open book, but he tells me I don’t need to. Everything seemed to be working out well with some ups and downs. We were on what I considered a high point when H filed for divorce January 9, 2007. This was all my doing with my constant questioning and need for reassurance. I am still staying over to be with DD and we have been intimate. That was up until last week. I should have read DR because I did not give him the space he needed. I asked if until the divorce was final, if we could was tried to work things out.
We talked over lunch Monday and the following are the conclusions:
No more physical contact of any kind ( hugs, holding hands, etc.) He said he did not want to mislead me into thinking we still had a chance. I can continue living with him and his family until the end of the year. It would not bother him, because he is rarely home anyways. I would be able to help my MIL with DD. With my graveyard shift at work, I will only be seeing him for a couple of minutes as he moves from one side of the bed to the other. My DD sleeps in the middle of the king size bed. At that time, I will be done with school. We are friends. But he did not want my parents or siblings to have any expectations of him. Though the friends he hangs around with are my cousins. I bring this to his attention, but he dismisses it saying they are his friends, period. He does not mind me being involved with his family and relatives. I have always had a good relationship with them.
I spoke to a DB coach on Wed. morning and was told to GAL, 180s, and LRT.
List of action items:
1. Learn how to cook Talked to MIL and she told me once I was done with school at the end of the year, she will teach me. MIL and the rest of his family and mine as well see this (D) as a phase that will past. 2. Join group activities with DD Started looking online and found some interesting yoga activities, but may not work with my school schedule. 3. Focus on school Starting to read ahead for the coming semester. 4. Focus on work Just got promoted and working hard. 5. Do not detach 6. Give him my undivided attention and show sincere interest in what he is doing Have not really had a chance. Perhaps during the weekends.
If anyone has any suggestions on how I would be able to accomplish any of the above, please let me know.
Up until our talk on Monday I was calling him everyday to say hi. He didn’t seem to mind and at times would even seem to enjoy my calls. Should I start to call him again? I decided to stop after our talk on Monday since he has gotten to the point of no more physical contact. But then, one of our major issues is trust because of my betrayal.
And also doing a 180 would simply be doing what I have been doing since the start of our R. H admired my independence and confidence, but not sure how he will view it now due to A s.
At times I feel like I should just be happy he still wants to be friends and not push it. I mean I have put him through HELL and back, should I even deserve a chance to be with him again.
