I'm having a really tough day today. My H will not give up OW. He is having his cake and eating it, too....living at home, ML to me, hanging out and acting like a family but, having OW on the side. They are constantly texting each other their ILU's (I've looked on the phone) and meeting a few times a week "on the sly". He's telling me he hasn't made up his mind what he wants to do.
I just feel so sad, used and hopeless... He will never make a decision while life is so comfortable. I don't know how much more of this I can take
What can I do without totally pushing him away? It just sucks because I do love him and he knows it and I feel like he's taking advantage of the fact that he knows that I really don't want D.
Per my request, he doesn't talk on the phone or text in the house (I sneak looks at the messages when he's sleeping). But, that doesn't stop OW from texting. It's not like he's out all night with her but is an hour or so late from work a few time/wk.. He's stealing time from our D...
It's just so dang depressing. I don't know why I even try to work. I can't concentrate on anything but my messed up world. I feel like leaving for a while but can't because of D3. I feel like telling everyone I know about it but our MC (what a joke!) says not to...
I just go home and live in the twilight zone where everything "seems" fine, hugs and kisses and ILU's from H. And, then OW sends a text.. I really am going insane, aren't I? I really do think it's harder because he is all nicey nice to me and I to him... strange...
I have to think about this one. I have about a hour ride home to do just that and then I will post something tonight. Of course you will probably get some advise by then.
What I can tell you to do is emotionall detatch from him for your own sanity. Don't let what he says or does affect your emotions. Do not have any expectations either. They are killers.
I will see if I can come up with anything that you can try...
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
LO; I understand what you are going through. My W told me two months ago that she wanted a D, and was going to pursue a R with OM. He will not be local until much later in the year, so in the mean time we still live together, have for the most part a normal life (no ILY or ML), we eat dinner as a family, take care of kids together, help with projects, etc.
Early on, she would talk to OM on the phone in front of me and the kids, lots of other hurtful stuff, I told her it would have to stop, or she would have to leave, and it has. She cont. to talk to OM everyday, but not in front of anyone.
I have had the same concerns about having her cake..., but my W has never said she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. I have been thinking I have done a good job of detaching, I am supportive and continue to be helpful, so what is the reason to change?
Others have said focus on yourself and your kids and let them do what they are going to do, you can't controll it so don't waste time trying to.
LO, Just think about yourself. You do not deserve to be treated like a doormat. You need to worry about yourself necause all you are doing by the ML and ILU's is hurting yourself. You seem afraid to let go and take care of your own needs because you are still codependant.
Let Go.
You are ML and telling him that you Love him because you are scared. You need to deal with your fears of being alone befre you can every be happy with anyone.
My old qoute that I was using says it all....
It is not easy to find happyness in yourself however it is impossible to find it in anyone else. Not word for word but I hope you get the point.
Back off and detatch. Find yourself and be happy with yourself.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
You are both right.. I need to try to detach. It's hard to do isn't it? Gosh..I never thought I would be the one who would be co-dependent but you are right that's what I AM being!! I have always been super independent in the rest of my life and just need to start making decisions based on my and my D's best interest. I have no fears of being by myself financially - that isn't an issue. It's just that emotional neediness that just makes you feel like sh*t!
H's been calling and e-mailing me much more this week. I don't usually call him unless it's about D or something like that. H is the one piling on the ILU's and initiating everything. It is so ridiculous... I'm sure saying the sames things to both OW and me.. Isn't this a fun game?
Sometimes feels impossible. But it isn't. It just takes time. Eventually you wil get tired of the game and just quit playing.
However, I want to warn you that yes you need to detatch but you need to do it lovingly. I would really set some boundries especially with the ML sessions. They do not seem healthy for you since ML is a very emotional act, for most people anyway.
Quote: just need to start making decisions based on my and my D's best interest.
Yes you do.
Quote: Isn't this a fun game?
For the fist few months it is anyway. After that you will realize that all you are gauranteed in your life right now is you and your D. So you will start honestly focusing on those aspect that you will never lose and you will start being whole again. This all sucks but we all have to be the stronger people here for our own sanity as well as our kids.
Take care LO, Ben
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Olive, You are going thru a difficult time. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad you found this website--you will get some excellent advice. My impression is that you're not ready to give-up on the M.
I would recommend getting the book "Divorce Remedy." It will help to ground you. You will be asked to think about what you want in the M. You will write those in terms of realistic goals. You will be asked to consider telling your H what you want. You will learn different solution-focused techniques to experiement with. You will be asked to identify behavioral patterns that you persist in that only serve to add to your suffering, and don't solve R problems.
Posting here is helpful in terms of being part of an online supportinve community, but reading the book gives you a framework from which to work from. This is empowering in that it gets you away from passively reporting events to attempting to influence them, via self-management of your own behaviors.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Concerned, Good Advice.. I actually read the book a couple of years ago but for some reason can't remember how to put anything in practice but panic management right now. YIKES!
I do have an update: OW filed for divorce so I figured we were probably next. That way THEY could be together! HOWEVER, my H is in severe depression now because he and OW are "supposedly" cutting ties. My belief is that'll last about 4 hours! H also has the nerve to look at me and tell ME that I better be serious about working on our R. ummm... I think you have it backwards buddy - YOU need to be serious!!
