ps: I blamed myself the first time h left .. I self reviewed and agonized... and I made a lot of changes... I thought it helped.. in the long run it didn't because H couldn't let go of his fantasy of it being better with OW.. There is truley nothing else I could have done (lost more weight and been fashon thin perhaps...but that would be very superficial and if he left me because I carry a few extra pounds.. tough on him that is really shallow... I could have left him for having thinning hair!)
Bottom line for those of us who truely have looked at our selves and tried to make changes and it appears to have no effect on the other... take heart.. it just goes to show that what is happening is related to something in them not you! That is an important thing for us all to remember... their having an affiar is not our fault! A relationship takes two.. and for everything I did do to make things better.. he neededto do things as well... and you can not make a marriage into a perfect or ideal marriage just by being good communicators and good at meeting the others needs... because you can never be everything to your spouse nor can they to you.... the difference between my marriage failing and someone elses lasting is related to the concept of committment... thru the ups and downs you both have to be strong on the idea that you are committed to the marriage... that you can count on the other NO MATTER WHAT! That is the element that was missing in my H... When I married him I thought it was there.. he said it was there.. we talked about it... but he could not shake loose from his family history... it profoundly effected him... he thinks he can walk away from a relationship.. it is ok afterall everyone in his immediate family has and they appear happier in their second relationships... so he is going to try it... and you know what... I know now that he couldn not have remained married to me and been truley happy unless he tried this.. the problem is that I even if a year from now or however long it was.. he came back.. the damage done is irrepairable at this point... I believe if he came back it would be to stay.. but I don't think I could ever trust him again.... I already gave him a try at coming back and it damn near destroyed =me.... I couldn't do it again....and it just makes me really sad....
