I know it is hard to keep the will to stay married when the WAS seems so determined to NOT be married. But if she hasn't filed, then you have every reason to give it some time.
I totally understand about wanting to "understand"! I am very, very analytical that way, and can't stand not to "know."
If your W grew up in an alcoholic household, there is a book called "Perfect Daughters" that might really be helpful to you in understanding her. If she had a traumatic childhood that didn't include alcohol, there is still a great deal posted on these boards that can help you understand her.
At the most fundamental level, though, the message is pretty simple. You didn't cause it, and you can't cure it, change it, or stop it. She has to work through it (or not) herself, on her own time.
