So glad you chimed in GH, you always seemed to get things on the wavelength that I am traveling.
I think I am *becoming* him as a result of my inherent judgment on the way he handled things. By judging him, I have to live the turmoil he felt. . .or at least that is the way karma has always worked for me. As soon as I sit in judgment of another I find myself in their shoes.
The Four Agreements was my stepping stone back to health last year, and somehow, despite knowing that it is *me* that needs fixing, I am just tired. So damn tired.
Told EA guy today that I can no longer talk to him. Unhealthy for both of us. I will continue that distance.
Yet, I am on eggshells every moment I am with H. We had a HUGE fight last night because he did now want me to look at the mail, sift through it, organize it. He was ANGERED to the extreme that I would not heed his admonishment to NOT look at it. Yet I did not feel like he had the right to tell me to NOT look at the mail. If he did not want to acknowledge the huge pile, so be it. That does not mean I shouldn't.
I asked what the real issue was, it certainly could not be about the mail. . . and he said the issue is that even when he feels *strongly* about something, I will not listen.
I guess in that instance it is true, yet I then asked him, why if he had *strong issues* about something, why he felt the need to enforce them on me. That he should follow his own internal needs, and I should follow mine. That his need to not look at the mail should mean he does not look at it. I can look at it, not discuss it with him, and wait for a time that he is ready to talk about the mail. Or never talk about it, whatever. Simply because he does not want to think about it should not preclude me from checking it out.
Sigh, Got to the point of me wanting to stay at my mom's last night. Over the freakin mail. And him wanting me to as well.
Man do we have freakin issues.
As far as the sex goes, yes it is porn star quality. All fantasies accepted and played out, for him at least. Over the years I have figured out his secrets and play them out for him, EVERY time. And luckily, making him happy also excites me, so I do have happy endings. I just am sick of his not having any desire to make me *crazy* and his willingness to accept my giving it all to him because he knows in the end, I also will finish.
Why not make an effort to curl my toes as well?
And we have talked, and talked about it, I have done everything I can imagine, sexy clothes, naughty talk, initiating, then waiting for him to initiate. . . toys, stories, EVERYTHING I can think of to make him want it. \
He just says he is a sexual camel. So be it. That does not explain his lack of desire to pleasure me.
I went through the betrayal diet, I look better than I have in years, and yet, the most intense that he has wanted me was when he was with OW.
I am so freakin tired of all of this.
Intellectually/politically/as parents we are compatible. Spiritually and emotionally we are on opposite spectrums.
I just question the value.
I do not want to D him. I want a way for us to be happy together.
My T asked what it would take for me to be happy in the R, and my answer was feeling accepted, loved, valued for who I am. I feel like the things that I see as being my BEST qualities are ones that he either can no longer see, OR he sees as issues that I have,
I am incredibly compassionate and empathetic. I can easily be laughing, then tell him about the issues a friend is going through with the delivery of her child and wind up in tears, remembering the scary of the birth of our first son. So he tells me I am emotionally unstable.
I was at the mechanic yesterday, and tears popped in my eyes because the idea of driving a car that might fall apart as I was driving the kid's home scared me.
Many would find that endearing, he rolls his eyes and says I need to get it together.
Sigh.
I know he has his own side. I know I *am* annoying, forgetful, absentminded. I live in my heart, my head, and *real-world stuff* slips my mind, like checking the mail. . . or whatever other menial task that I managed to forget. I am messy as all get out. I annoy the crap out of him. Yet, this is who I have always been, nothing new has cropped up.
I even tried to get put on drugs for ADD so that I would not be so damn annoying, even thought I *like* the way my mind works.
