Well, I could comment more on a lot of that, but what jumped out at me was that you say, or at least imply that you have explicitly told your H what you need sexually and he has failed to deliver.
My W claims the same thing to an extent and I can tell you that she NEVER clearly defined what it was she wanted or didn't want and when she did try to communicate it, it was not in a language I understood.
I know I could be dead wrong about this, but to continue down that path, the way I see it, my W was the one who thought there was a problem she desperately wanted to solve (our whole R was going down the tubes and this was one major part of it) so to get that point across, she yelled at the top of her lungs in a language I didn't understand.
To me, when it's you that knows there's a problem, and want to communicate that to someone, it's on you to learn their language. I don't go to Germany to tell them about a plot to do harm to their country and get upset when they don't understand English.
I know this is over-simplifying, or even not on the mark, but I guess I am just trying to caution you against thinking that what you feel has been CLEARLY communicated has been CLEARLY heard by your H.
We men have a really different language when it comes to certain things, and sex is one of them.
Beyond that, yea, it sounds like your H has some deep issues but I agree with the others, that doesn't give you the right to act like an a$$ like he did. If you find yourself unable to continue in the marriage, and have "earned" your way out, i.e. done all you could to save it, which it seems you are well on your way to doing, then fine, get the D and start dating. Before that, you need to stick to working on your own happiness as derived from internal sources and not use someone else as a crutch, that may or may not be there for you long-term.
You are experiencing the same exact feelings that led your H to hurt you so deeply and by doing it yourself, you are in effect condoning it. Is that really what you're saying? That because he was somehow dissatisfied with you, it was ok to have an affair? I think not...in both cases.
I would love to know what you think you know about his side of the story. I am not saying you're misleading us at all, but there are two sides, neither probably right or wrong 100% and I'm sure his version of your life together would not paint you as the spectacular, giving, porn-star sex performing, loving, wonderful-in-every-way wife.
The truth probably lies somewhere in between but until you understand more (or maybe you do understand and could express that here) about what his perspective, however skewed or "wrong" it is, you likely won't get very far.
Bottom line is that if you want to get a D, then get one. If you don't, then we're here to help you examine your sitch and support you as you try to find ways to make it better.
Please take care and realize that no matter what, you're among friends.
