Basics: *Me: 31 *H:28 [29 next week] *S4 [almost 5] *S2 [3 in May] *Together 6 years, married almost 4 *ILYBNILWY, maybe never loved you. . . bomb November 05 *Separated Mid December 05 *Found out about affair early January as a result of internet history search where chica talked about sleeping with him on a message board. *H wanted to file early January, I filed to maintain my sense of "this is not being done TO me, I am making this choice" in mid February. *Slept together immediately upon the announcement, then at least monthly until February when he *wanted* me so badly that he started *cheating* regularly on her with me. It was purely physical when in our entire relationship our sexlife had been magical/spiritual/souls-connecting/wowzers. *2 weeks prior to final judgment/court appearance, he aseked to try to work things out [April 06] I took him back *moved back in Mid June.
Since then, I have become him. I have not *cheated* yet I am having an EA with a friend. My friend is also married. We cae about each other, and he gives me the attention, affection, and validation that my H to this day does not.
I have gone two 3 different T and left the first two because they just saw the R as doomed. H is too controlling, judgmental, makes me a shell of myself, wanted to help me become stronger in order to leave him.
And my H is all of those things. He is emotionally immature. He is unable to talk about anything *important.* Although he procalims that sex with me is the best he has ever experienced, he WILL NOT initiate, and it is always me serving him without even minimal boobie-touching on my end. I am so completely dissatisfied.
I went into the black hole, climbed my way out, while stumbling many times, became myself again, free, accepting of our imminent D, only to get back with him and feel like I have become a shadow of my true self. The times in my life that I have been truly me, accepting myself, accepting of life, have been when he has not been there to pick at me, make me question my worth.
I do not feel that he even likes me. I do not feel accepted. I performed a ritual [hokey, I know] where I burnt sage, and dark memories, said prayers. . . anf he knew that I was creating a mini-bonfire in our backyard, and even out of basic curiousity, he never asked what I did, the meaning, anything. I feel like he could care less about my inner life.
He has banished me from being friends with a mutual guy friend of ours becase the friend was my support during the A. And afterward, I defended his telling me the truth about friend's knowledge about what had been going on. Bros before hos, right? So now, the person, who sat with me when I did not know how I would make it to tomorrow, I am no longer allowed to talk to, because OBVIOUSLY he wants me.
I am frustrated. I pay the super-majority of all of the bills, I work 20+ more hours than him, yet he gets upset with me about the house being messy. Says that if I cared about him I would make an effort to show him through action, ie, being a damn maid. . .when he is essentially the SAHD.
I wonder why I am with him. . . what the hell benefit I get out of the relationship. . . HE gets bills paid, home cooked meals, porn-star sex, and I get. . . the feeling that I am never good enough. I had a sex boycott for 3 weeks because I was aware that he had not even touched my breasts in at least a month. I am not even talking about nether regions... just up-top. I am now paranoid about my naught bit because he only goed there out of obligation, not desire. I never felt like that was a yucky part of me. I always felt that boys should be thankful to be graced with naughtybit's presence, yet now. . . *I* am the one who pushes him away because I feel like I must be gross.
So, I am hanging out with an unavailable guy, talking, sharing all of my problems, crying on his shoulder, letting him make me feel like I am something that has value in the world. . . when all I want is for my H to see some redeeming quality in me.
I have talked to him, told him all about my issues... NOTHING changes. He says that when I talk about my sex issues, it turns him off. He feels like I am a broken record when I talk about my emotional issues. He has heard it before, so no need to discuss again.
Yet nothing has changed.
I really feel like my marriage is not worth saving. YET, I have 2 beautiful boys who will be devastated if Daddy moves out again.
Any insight?
My H dropped the bomb the day after Thanksgiving '05. I found out Ney Years Day it Might have to do with my best friend, and shortly thereafter found out he was "in love with her." He had moved out in mid-December 05.
He pushed HARD for divorce. I told him to pursue his relationship, that ultimately I only wanted his happiness, and if he needed to explore his love with her I would not stand in his way.
Noble huh? Well, that was one side of me. And sometimes I truly lived in that side, knowing full well that in the light of day the A would never survive. And by my supporting him, loving him throughout...yada, yada, yada, he would find his way back home.
