GBON: You ask whether or not I take responsibility.. or is it all Hs fault plus the SO? Yes, of course.. I was not a perfect spouse... we none of us are. The first time my H left.. we went into deep counseling and put things back together and things were great for a while....I really listened to H and all of his issues... he thought I had too much control over money issues (I had the budget and I paid bills..) ok I turned everything over to him, he thought we were not close enough to his family...Ok.. I started having weekly family dinners and most of our social life became his family.. he seemed to be very pleased with that (and I acknowledgd that I had kept some distance between us in the past ...) He wanted to be more directly involved with the care for our infant son.. ok.. he did the evening bath routine and he was supposed to drop him off in the am... that quickly slipped into whenever he could.. to he couldn't really do it consistently at all..... The point I am making is that on all the items that he raised.. I saw the truth of his issues and concerns and my part of the equation... I genuinely changed where I could...but, nothing truley made him happy apparently.. he just wanted his OW (unbeknownest to me) and that was the underriding source of his discontent. Look, lets face it... there is no perfect or ideal relationship.... sure there are things we can each do to improve a relationship... but there is nothing that we any of us can do to improve a relationship in which there is a third party.. because your spouse will unconsciously be comparing you and your relationship to this other relationship and since that other relationship is new..it seems better adn since it is somewhat hidden, it also seems better due to the allure of the unknown.. it is the classic.. the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.. until you jumpt it and see it is not greener... it is a different variety and it has weeds and crab grass too... but boy oh boy it sure seemed better for a while!
As to animosity for the Others in our spouses lives.. yes, I have a great deal of animosity.... whatever happened to it was wrong.. black and white to have an affair.. whatever happened to adultery was wrong? Whatever happened to common decency.. a sister hood feeling... you know I couldn't go after someone elses' boy friend or spouse as soon as I knew they were married or committed just on pprincipal... and I do feel like if the Others out there had just respected boundaries a little at least some of the temptation would be removed! I do understand feeling tempted.. I do even understand a one night stand happening due to circumstances.. I do not understand having a long term relationship....and yes, I feel that both H and this OW have done me a serious wrong that only they can right by being truley sorry for what they have done... their actions in being self indulgent to the max has led to a complete upheaval of my life and that of two innocent children.... all because they think they may be right for each other... well once upon a time H thought he and I were right for each other.. and he thought we were right for each other enough to buy two homes with me and have two children... we had a long term relationship this was not a mistake... but he was willing to throw it all out for the sake of what may be better.. it baffles me...Over the years I have met men I found attractive and enjoyed lite flirtations with... but I never allowed anything beyond that to happen... oh I wondered at times.. I am human... but marriage was a choice that I knowlingly and consciously made and having made it.. I had to live with it.. the good and the bad and I was prepared to do that... H was not.. he believed (subconsciously) that divorce was an acceptable choice....so now I have to live with it as well... it really sucks.. and I blame society for allowing divorce to become an acceptable choise as opposed to it being what it should be.. a last resort! Sorry just me venting as usual!
