So my H sent me an e-mail asking for a couple days to get his head around.... and he said that things didn't have to be this way... WTF?!?!?!?!!?
I don't understand him at all....
I am afraid that if I file the divorce I will still take him back and that's a waste of money.... I don't want to take him back...but it's hard for me not to... How do I steel myself again him?
You make yourself have to start all over each time you take him back because he does not change.
The black eye wasn't enough, the trailer trash chick isn't enough, the failure to provide for his children isn't enough, his all around lack of respect for you isn't enough...what will be?
We had helped you determine months ago that you coming to realize that you DESERVE better was what would be required.
Part of it may be that all the guys have come around in the past 6 months have only wanted one thing...none of them care to be my friend or anything.... Of course they never come around more than once because I don't give it to them..... and while I know I don't need to be with another person to be happy....It'd be nice to be able to date and maybe move on in a relationship someday....and let's face it getting treated like just a peice of @ss really hurts...... even if they don't get what they want, the fact that that's all it was about hurts..... Kevin was at least my friend
I'm not going to go over everything all over again. You can reread your old threads if you want to do that.
If I can, though, I'd like to recommend Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. I think it will really help you to understand yourself and start recognizing who you are in Christ.
At some point, I hope you can recognize that you are a lovely child of God, the sister of Jesus Christ ... someone whom God intensely loves. God wants a closer relationship with you. He wants you to go to Him to heal the hurts in your heart, not to some guy who doesn't respect you. When you finish Captivating, you should read something by Neil Anderson, maybe Who I am in Christ or Victory Over the Darkness. It's just too much to do in this forum. Ultimately, Emily, you won't have a better life until you decide that you're willing to change in order to achieve it.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Forget him for now. Just take him out of the equation. He's still a mess, he's walking all over you, and you don't need him in this condition. If he wants to come back, tell him he can woo you, date you, do all the things one would do to win a woman, and maybe, MAYBE, someday you'll take him back.
Meanwhile, you have GOT to get a life for yourself that doesn't depend on him. I know this is tough, tough, tough with the little ones and little support. How would you go about this, and what would it look like? Focus on THIS instead of him, and you'll be way ahead no matter what happens with him.
- friends - you need healthy friends, not just guys who are hoping you're available. Women friends, older mentors, people who share common interests. Figure out how to go about this and get started. - work - face it, even igf he comes back his flakiness is such that you really can't count on him economically in the long haul. Time to get creative and figure out how you'll support yourself and your kids and get the kind of life you want to live.
- self-improvement. In the long run, if you want to have a quality guy in your life, you need to BE a quality girl. Intellect, exercise, appearance - you need to work on being all YOU can be, not wasting your talents brooding over the numbskull. What do you need to work on? How will you start? The university of YOU is now in session.
Thanks for the rational advice kml .... these are things I can do.... These are things for ME to do....
I am working on becoming independant from Kevin... really I am. I've done a lot of self-improvement in the past year.... I owe a lot of that to this site I feel...
He e-mailed me today and said that if I file for divorce he won't sign it, he doesn't want to be divorced, etc etc etc.... He keeps me in this loop ...and I am just sick of it. I want a divorce....but I can't figure out how to make myself just proceed with the divorce, when I remember how it felt when I didn't want it and he did.
My old threads yes have a lot of good advice...but I am in a totally different position....I am not panicking because he doesn't want to be with me.... I am alright with being alone....
Now then..
Quote: - friends - you need healthy friends, not just guys who are hoping you're available. Women friends, older mentors, people who share common interests. Figure out how to go about this and get started. I agree... It's just a tough age to have friends when you're a single mother I suppose. I have a few close friends...but my bestfriend just got a boyfriend and when that happens I get left out of the picture.....so...... all my other friends are busy working their tails off or in college...
Quote: Ultimately, Emily, you won't have a better life until you decide that you're willing to change in order to achieve it.
Yes RB...and what exactly do you want me to change?
I'm not going to start a religious war with you here....
but is that the main point you are pushing? God?
You know .... YOU (meaning the person trying to fix things or change themselves....) have to be willing to do some of that work...
What exactly do you think I need to change now?
Yes RB...and what exactly do you want me to change?
I'm not going to start a religious war with you here....
but is that the main point you are pushing? God?
You know .... YOU (meaning the person trying to fix things or change themselves....) have to be willing to do some of that work...
What exactly do you think I need to change now?
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!
Emily you have never changed a damn thing.
We just gave you a few new ideas along the way and perhaps a little tiny of bit of belief in yourself and THAT is exactly why you need go read your old threads.
NOT because you're in the same place, but because your HEAD IS, where Kevin's treatment of you is concerned.
There is nothing you do NOT need to change, Emily.
And you could start with not snapping at RB for telling you the truth.
Everyone means the same thing kml put so eloquently.
Change YOURSELF.
Make the real decision and stop sliding back into the same comfortable dysfunction.
Your girls are going to be in this very same place one day if you don't break the cycle NOW.
