Mojo is 42

[MJontheMend]

Trying to break this linkage is fruitless IMO. If you ever succeed in doing so, then I think there is no longer a relationship but just parallel lives, like roommates. So what is the answer?

I think you do need to break the linkage to the extent necessary to take care of yourself but you should attch or "re-attach" somewhere. Ideally both members of a relationship would feel like they would be okay on their own, they don't need each other but they very much want each other. So the attachment or "re-attachment" should not be about meeting each others basic security needs. That is why anyone who is trying to meet their basic security needs through sex is doomed to be miserably HD. Also anyone who is trying to get their basic security needs met through a relationship before they can be sexual is doomed to be LD. That is why people flip-flop in their drives a la Schnarch's Siamese-twin syndrome. If they can't get their security needs met with one strategem they try the other. In a way that is what you were doing when you told your wife she should get a boob job. You were using the LD strategem of sexual invalidation to try and get your "soothing" needs met. However, you did this in a semi-purposeful, self-aware manner so you weren't really flipping over to LD just playing with it.

Maybe one way to achieve this would be to try and re-attach with a spouse in some way that is less basic than security or sex. Start doing a sport together or playing music together etc. Of course, the problem with this is you aren't just casually dating your spouse. There are issues with paying the mortgage, caring for the kids and getting laid while staying monogamous to consider. (sigh).