Mojo is 42

[MJontheMend]

I'm tired of people telling me that stuff that hurts DOESN'T hurt.

I think it is true that we can grow stronger and more understanding and therefore less able to feel "hurt" but I wonder if there isn't some "price" that we pay for that sort of growth. For instance, in the past I wouldn't have felt 60% "sorry for my H" about my Bday events. I've regressed a bit this morning, obviously, but my feeling on my Bday was that my H had failed himself, more than that he had failed me. When he drove up to the flower shop and saw that it was closed there must have been a moment in which he was unable to consider other options and just reflexively chose to disappoint me- in the same way that an alcoholic will reflexively choose to pour the drink. I felt sorry for him because it's like his tendency towards depression causes him to live in a world where there aren't a lot of good options when faced with a problem. He really didn't want to disappoint me but, unfortunately for both of us, that was his easiest option.

Your anxiety that he will suddenly quit his job and dump the whole load on you is totally grounded in reality, alas.

I feel like I could actually deal with the practical reality of the financial burden better than I could deal with his emotional state of being. I think his talk of suicide has really affected me. It's like a pile of fear and guilt overwhelms me whenever I have any negative selfish thoughts about my relationship with him. I mean if I felt compelled to act like a Stepford wife because I was afraid he would leave me that would be my problem but if I feel compelled to act like a Stepford wife because I'm afraid he might hurt himself what can I do? The fact that I don't even know how real this fear should be doesn't help. It's like if you had a spouse who said "If you burn the scrambled eggs again, I'll hit you over the head with the frying pan." and then claimed to just be joking. You would still feel some anxiety every time you cooked his eggs.