Mojo is 42

[MJontheMend]

Thanks for the B-day wishes GGB & Lou.

It takes a calm person to acquire this skill. I think you have it Mojo.

LOL. This reminds me of a post that Corri recently made in which she told me that I had self-discipline and self-esteem. My immediate thought is "Not particularly true, but I try to muddle by anyways.". Lately I find myself less reliant on self-affirming mantras such as "You can do it, Mojo!- because you are calm, self-disciplined and full of self-esteem!." and more likely to be thinking "Mojo, you are quite lacking in many ways but you still have to solve some f*cking problems and live your life so you better figure out how to make do with what you've got.".


Well, my birthday pretty much s*cked but it s*cked in a way that left me mostly feeling sorry for my H (as opposed to sorry for myself or angry). Wait, I lie. It s*cked in a way that left me feeling maybe 60% sorry for my H, 30% sorry for myself and just a 10% dash of anger.

As I noted in my previous post, my H left me a lovin, well-wishing note on the morning of my Bday which indicated that he owed me 10 years worth of F.U.N. because I am generally a super lady/wife. Anyway, when he came home from work that evening he approached me with a rather sheepish look on his face and said "I want you to imagine the beautiful bouquet of flowers that I would have bought you if the flower shop hadn't been closed.". Since I am not a complete baby and "It's the thought that counts." etc., I was nice and understanding about it. But, as I'm sure you all could predict, what happened later that evening was that he asked me if it was okay if he gave me a "rain check" for a birthday "boink" also since he wasn't "feeling it". Once again I was nice and understanding and since he was feeling friendly towards me I at least got some birthday cuddling.

Then yesterday morning he was back in his sick/depressed state and he once again postponed our "play date" indefinitely. I pretty much maintained my "taking care of business and myself" mode of the last several weeks.

This morning I woke up after a late night at a booksale and discovered that my H hadn't left for work. I'm not sure what was the straw on my camel's back exactly (quite possibly it was the espresso brownie that I shouldn't have eaten on my way home from the sale but felt like I was entitled to because my life s*cks because I have a depressive LD husband) but I pretty much lost it. No more super-differentiated-high-functioning Mojo .

Anyway, he got p*ssed at me, said he was intending to go to work just later than scheduled because he had a bad night's sleep etc. and went of to work in a huff. I feel like I would be okay if I could just get over my fear that he might do something self-destructive. My fantasy at the moment is that some nice, pretty woman in a nurse's uniform will just come along and take him off my hands. I swear I would be willing to give up sex for the next twenty years if somebody would just please relieve me of the responsibility of this relationship.

[Lillieperl]

((((Mojo)))



There must be something in the air. Yesterday at the C session with my bf, my bf demonstrated one of his typical rude, put-down reactions to a happy/celebratory reaction of mine. I looked at the C and said, "What did I just do to get that reaction?" He said, "Well, you were happy and celebrating, and BF didn't react to that very well." And then the C said something to me that was so dismissive and so "there, there, just get over yourself" that I got up and walked out in the middle of the session. I'm tired of people telling me that stuff that hurts DOESN'T hurt.

Having your H pull one of his "I'm special and feel bad and don't have to live up to my responsibilities like ordinary mortals" moods would make me want to kick his 4-a$$ to the curb, too. Your anxiety that he will suddenly quit his job and dump the whole load on you is totally grounded in reality, alas.

[karen1]

Oh Mojo,

It is times like those that I wish we all lived near each other and could just go have a big "hen party" and not even fool with our significant others on special occasions like bdays. I begin to understand the "coffee klatches" and "girl vacations" of middle aged ladies that you see who meet to laugh, play, and just be themselves - for once. I always just assumed it was a "girl thing" - now I think it is a bunch of women who are making up for years of keeping quiet, bending themselves around others needs etc... I'm beginning to think that I just need to view my H as a kind of handbag - I like that handbag, it is an old favorite, a nice brand but sometimes it doesn't go with the outfit and on those days I leave it in the closet. No, I'm not looking for a new one but sometimes my outfit (mood) and H's don't mesh. None of this helps the very real issue of your H's continuing depression and job issues. For that I am sorry that there isn't a better answer.

Lil - I hate that too. Makes you just want to stamp your foot and scream but then again that would just be "evidence" that you are being juvenile. Ugly catch-22.

Karen

[sat567]

(((mojo)))
See, if you were just more like me, you would go into the day/week/month EXPECTING it to suck, and then you would never be disappointed.

I'm sorry but the "flower shop was closed" statement is lame. There are SO MANY WAYS to get flowers to someone you love, that only require a little forethought, and a credit card. Lame, lame, lame. Made even lamer by the fact that he even bothered to mention it. "Oh honey, give me credit for at least thinking about buying you flowers." Fark him.

I'm p!ssed on your behalf.

And lil, this: I'm tired of people telling me that stuff that hurts DOESN'T hurt is SO true. My C is having to work uphill to have me recognize that when my W rejects me, it hurts, and that it's okay to feel the hurt, and that it's time to let her know that it hurts. Okay, and you all are helping me understand that, too.

Mojo - you have a right to feel hurt, and you don't need to keep it a secret from H.

<grumbling>Damn, farkin', clueless, lame-o spouses/partners.</grumbling>

Hairdog

[MJontheMend]

I'm tired of people telling me that stuff that hurts DOESN'T hurt.

I think it is true that we can grow stronger and more understanding and therefore less able to feel "hurt" but I wonder if there isn't some "price" that we pay for that sort of growth. For instance, in the past I wouldn't have felt 60% "sorry for my H" about my Bday events. I've regressed a bit this morning, obviously, but my feeling on my Bday was that my H had failed himself, more than that he had failed me. When he drove up to the flower shop and saw that it was closed there must have been a moment in which he was unable to consider other options and just reflexively chose to disappoint me- in the same way that an alcoholic will reflexively choose to pour the drink. I felt sorry for him because it's like his tendency towards depression causes him to live in a world where there aren't a lot of good options when faced with a problem. He really didn't want to disappoint me but, unfortunately for both of us, that was his easiest option.

Your anxiety that he will suddenly quit his job and dump the whole load on you is totally grounded in reality, alas.

I feel like I could actually deal with the practical reality of the financial burden better than I could deal with his emotional state of being. I think his talk of suicide has really affected me. It's like a pile of fear and guilt overwhelms me whenever I have any negative selfish thoughts about my relationship with him. I mean if I felt compelled to act like a Stepford wife because I was afraid he would leave me that would be my problem but if I feel compelled to act like a Stepford wife because I'm afraid he might hurt himself what can I do? The fact that I don't even know how real this fear should be doesn't help. It's like if you had a spouse who said "If you burn the scrambled eggs again, I'll hit you over the head with the frying pan." and then claimed to just be joking. You would still feel some anxiety every time you cooked his eggs.

[MJontheMend]

It is times like those that I wish we all lived near each other and could just go have a big "hen party" and not even fool with our significant others on special occasions like bdays. I begin to understand the "coffee klatches" and "girl vacations" of middle aged ladies that you see who meet to laugh, play, and just be themselves - for once. I always just assumed it was a "girl thing" - now I think it is a bunch of women who are making up for years of keeping quiet, bending themselves around others needs etc...

Well, I read somewhere that the 50s are usually the happiest decade of a woman's life due to less responsibility and more self-knowledge. If we get together for my next birthday I want everyone to wear their ugliest most comfortable shoes to the party and bring lots of chocolate.

[MJontheMend]

See, if you were just more like me, you would go into the day/week/month EXPECTING it to suck, and then you would never be disappointed.

Well, fact is you are luckier than me because at least MsHD doesn't set you up for the disappointment by making promises or I.O.Us that won't be delivered on. One thought I was having this morning is that I would like my H to make just one commitment to me in our relationship and then stick to it. Anything. This really isn't about sex except to the extent that his lack of willingness to commit to a regular sex life bums me out more than the rest. I mean if I were to ask him "Will you commit to taking a hike with me every Sunday?" or "Will you commit to keeping your lousy job for the next 6 mos.?" or "Will you commit to helping me put the kids through college?" or "Will you commit to giving me a hug every Saturday night?" the answer to the question or his resultant behavior would be the same. He might choose to do any of these things but he won't commit to any of them. It makes me feel like I'm not really in an adult relationship. It's like we're two toddlers in the same pen but not able to function at a level beyond parallel play. Actually, at the moment it's worse than that. It's like I can't even engage in my own parallel play because the other toddler is throwing a tantrum.

[GonnaGoBlind]

(((((((((Jenny)))))))))))
Aw Jenny, sorry to hear that H couldn't even step up to the plate for your Bday. I know how that feels, BTDT and got the T-shirt to prove it. S*cks when someone who says they love you can't even put forth a modicum of effort on a special occasion, especially when they KNOW what you want. Nope, I can't figure it out either.

[Cobra]

Lil,

Come on now… you know the answer to why your BF acted as he did. Put yourself in his shoes. His job career does not look promising, he has debt problems, he is under his mothers thumb, his girlfriend (you) has put him on notice that she might have to leave him, he feels victimized in that he can’t do anything about it because of his ED. Now I know not all that is true, but maybe that is how he sees it? So for him, life sucks. Then you do a victory dance?

This is actually a good example of why too much differentiation can backfire. What he wants is to know that you are devoted to him and to feel that whatever success you have you share with him. Even then he will feel bad because he can’t return the favor (remember Dieda?) Look into the adult attachment approach to see if there is some way you can get him to feel like you two are on the same team and he is not the outsider looking in.

[MJontheMend]

This is actually a good example of why too much differentiation can backfire.

I think you showed some good insight into Lil's BFs reaction but I wonder why you choose to suggest that she was hurt due to "too much differentiation". I would say that she was hurt due to "not enough differentiation". She was differentiated enough to be "up" even though her BF was "down" but she wasn't differentiated enough to remain "up" even though her BF acted in a way to bring her "down". Why is the answer for her to "re-attach" in an attempt to bring him "up" too? Why shouldn't she just strive harder to recognize the motivation for his hurtful remark, as you did, and thereby rise above it? It seems to me that if she is able to consistently "not react" to such remarks that will be an effective way to reduce his motivation for making such remarks. (I should note here that I'm offering this advice to myself as much as Lil since our situations are similar in this regard..

If I were to buy into what you are suggesting,Cobra, what I would probably do is try to figure out how to finagle taking on my H as a business partner. However, I tried this in the past and it was a big failure and I don't want to repeat the same mistake. Actually, the topic came up recently in a roundabout fashion and my H said "If you could do that (figure out how to financially manage taking him on as a business partner) I would marry you.". He said it in a joking manner but it still kind of p*ssed me off.