Quote: It takes a calm person to acquire this skill. I think you have it Mojo.
LOL. This reminds me of a post that Corri recently made in which she told me that I had self-discipline and self-esteem. My immediate thought is "Not particularly true, but I try to muddle by anyways.". Lately I find myself less reliant on self-affirming mantras such as "You can do it, Mojo!- because you are calm, self-disciplined and full of self-esteem!." and more likely to be thinking "Mojo, you are quite lacking in many ways but you still have to solve some f*cking problems and live your life so you better figure out how to make do with what you've got.".
Well, my birthday pretty much s*cked but it s*cked in a way that left me mostly feeling sorry for my H (as opposed to sorry for myself or angry). Wait, I lie. It s*cked in a way that left me feeling maybe 60% sorry for my H, 30% sorry for myself and just a 10% dash of anger.
As I noted in my previous post, my H left me a lovin, well-wishing note on the morning of my Bday which indicated that he owed me 10 years worth of F.U.N. because I am generally a super lady/wife. Anyway, when he came home from work that evening he approached me with a rather sheepish look on his face and said "I want you to imagine the beautiful bouquet of flowers that I would have bought you if the flower shop hadn't been closed.". Since I am not a complete baby and "It's the thought that counts." etc., I was nice and understanding about it. But, as I'm sure you all could predict, what happened later that evening was that he asked me if it was okay if he gave me a "rain check" for a birthday "boink" also since he wasn't "feeling it". Once again I was nice and understanding and since he was feeling friendly towards me I at least got some birthday cuddling.
Then yesterday morning he was back in his sick/depressed state and he once again postponed our "play date" indefinitely. I pretty much maintained my "taking care of business and myself" mode of the last several weeks.
This morning I woke up after a late night at a booksale and discovered that my H hadn't left for work. I'm not sure what was the straw on my camel's back exactly (quite possibly it was the espresso brownie that I shouldn't have eaten on my way home from the sale but felt like I was entitled to because my life s*cks because I have a depressive LD husband) but I pretty much lost it. No more super-differentiated-high-functioning Mojo .
Anyway, he got p*ssed at me, said he was intending to go to work just later than scheduled because he had a bad night's sleep etc. and went of to work in a huff. I feel like I would be okay if I could just get over my fear that he might do something self-destructive. My fantasy at the moment is that some nice, pretty woman in a nurse's uniform will just come along and take him off my hands. I swear I would be willing to give up sex for the next twenty years if somebody would just please relieve me of the responsibility of this relationship.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
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