My situation as I celebrate my birthday is that things are going cr*ppy yet I feel like I'm doing well. The things that are going cr*ppy are:
1) My sister who is my business partner has been diagnosed with cervical cancer.
2) My H was sick/depressed to the point of being bedridden for two weeks.
3) My S18 is considering dropping out of college.
But I'm doing okay because I've finally learned that the first step I MUST take before I can help anyone else is that I have to take care of myself first. My functioning used to be that I would be treading water myself, unable to really help anyone, but trying to cheer up those around me by singing a happy tune. Now I concentrate on swimming to the lifeboat first, catching my breath, and then trying to do my best to help others. I still sing the happy tune but with the realization that I am doing it to cheer myself up which is an important task but it's part of me taking care of me, not me taking care of others.
Basically, I've been striving to function at Enneagram Type 7, Level 7 because I feel like this is sort of the "dry land" level for me at which I can reach out and help others without feeling like I'm going to drown myself in the attempt. Of course, I haven't really achieved this level of functioning overall but at least I understand why it is a worthwhile goal. One book that I've read recently has really been helpful, "The Renaissance Soul" by Margaret Lobenstine. I HIGHLY recommend it to all Type 7s. I feel like the FlyLady site really helps my Type 7 functioning by giving me a solid boost from the bottom and I feel like this book is really helping me by pulling me up and bringing out the best in my style of functioning.
I'm sure this post is quite abstract and boring so far-LOL. Let me give an example of what I mean. Last week my H was lying in bed either sick or depressed but unwilling to see a doctor and putting his employment at risk. Instead of getting upset or trying to "fix" the situation, I simply went on with my own life plans as best as possible. For instance, I spent several hours designing new garden troughs for my potager. Because I took care of myself in this manner, I was much better able to play "nurse" to my H. For instance, I could take a break from my garden design work and ask him if he would like a bowl of soup without feeling any sort of anxiety or resentment. I sang my "happy tune" (designed my troughs) in order to do the vital work of cheering MYSELF up and thus I was able to freely offer help to my H. ( I should note here that I also did the "work" of figuring out how I would handle things for myself financially if my H really did bail on me in that regard, so that my garden design "work" wasn't just a form of escapism.)
Anyhow, my H is back at work this week and here is how he ended the birthday note that he left me this morning. "I.O.U. F.U.N. - About ten years worth, probably.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Happy Birthday, Mojo! My birthday present to you is letting you know that you used a word I had to go look up: potager. Thank you for challenging me!
I think it's great that you are doing the "self nurturing" types of things in the face of so many challenges. I find this so difficult, and you are an inspiration.
Sorry to hear about your sis. I hope they caught it early enough to manage it. Your H? I hope that someday he realizes how fortunate he is. And your son? Well, whether or not he drops out, it's really too early to tell if that is a "bad" thing or a "good" thing, isn't it?
The way you handled your H's sitch was exactly the right way to deal with a mopey 4. Mopey 4's don't want to bring other people down. They know that their way of looking at the world is sick and twisted. They wish there was some way NOT to look at the world that way, but that's the way the world looks to them (when in that mood) and to deny that (i.e. act cheerful when you don't feel cheerful) feels like existential dishonesty.
So providing a level mood yourself, keeping yourself busy, checking on him every now and then, but NOT jumping in the pit with him-- that's perfect. And I think you're very close to the next step (if not already there), which is to do this because it's best for you, and not as a resentful reaction to what you perceive as character weakness on his part. Very good job!
Quote: My birthday present to you is letting you know that you used a word I had to go look up: potager. Thank you for challenging me!
LOL.
Quote: I think it's great that you are doing the "self nurturing" types of things in the face of so many challenges. I find this so difficult, and you are an inspiration.
I've just come to realize that I was mixing my sexuality in with my lower, more basic security needs and I was also mixing it in with my higher, more spiritual needs for expression. I sort of visualize it like my personalized version of Maslow's hierarchy; a pyramid with Security Needs at the bottom and Self-Expression or Spiritual Needs towards the top. Sexuality is somewhere in between. All three are very important but distinct. If I feel desperate or insecure because I'm not getting laid, I probably am not doing a good enough job meeting my own needs for security. If I feel resentful or depressed because I'm not getting laid then I'm probably not doing a good enough job meeting my own needs for self-expression or spirituality. The only feeling I need to have about not getting laid is a feeling that I don't really know the word for- a word like "horny" but absent of the connotation of triviality that is implied by that word.
Anyway, the more clearly I can define the boundaries of my sexual needs/wants, the easier it is to build my life up and around what might be lacking in that regard-like a wall going up and around a window.
Quote: Sorry to hear about your sis. I hope they caught it early enough to manage it. Your H? I hope that someday he realizes how fortunate he is. And your son? Well, whether or not he drops out, it's really too early to tell if that is a "bad" thing or a "good" thing, isn't it?
Luckily, my sister's cancer was caught very early. The heartbreaking thing is she was trying to have her first child and that probably won't happen now. I am actually considering offering to lend her my uterus for 9 monthes if our baby sister will lend her some eggs and her BF will donate the cash and sperm necessary for such a procedure.
My son told me that reading Dostoevsky has made him mentally unable to deal with college. I told him that people who are made mentally unable to deal with college by reading Dostoevsky should stay in college because that is one of the few environments in which they might thrive. To which he replied "I am 18 so I don't need to listen to your advice anymore.". To which I replied "You are right. Good luck!".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Happy Happy Birthday. I am sorry that it is a mixed bag. Then again, after a certain age birthday's usually are a mixed bag.
I'm sorry about your sister and your H's funk. You are a terrific lady and they are lucky to have you around. I hope that things look up shortly. Regardless, I'm glad you are living your life and finding enjoyment where you can.
That is an interesting concept, how sexuality permeates all our needs, from basic security to self actualzation. I forogt what the ohter steps of the pyramid are! Sometimes I feel I need a PhD in psych to keep up with this board.
Anyway, hope you have a nice birthday...Karen is right, like New Year's, birthdays become a mixed bag after a certain age Sounds like you are doing a good job of dealing with reality by maintaining your boundaries. My mantra lately is to stay focused on the positives.
Quote: So providing a level mood yourself, keeping yourself busy, checking on him every now and then, but NOT jumping in the pit with him-- that's perfect. And I think you're very close to the next step (if not already there), which is to do this because it's best for you, and not as a resentful reaction to what you perceive as character weakness on his part. Very good job!
Thanks. I realized that trying to "ignore" my H (though a better option than jumping in the pit with him or trying to "fix" things) was just another sort of reactive defense mechanism on my part. It seems to me that the healthy response to any sort of low-functioning behavior from others is to feel sorry for them but also to realize "Hey, I've 'been there, done that' myself, though perhaps in a different fashion due to my own unique style of dysfunctioning.". Then you can feel free to offer them a little charity and also cut them a little slack but realize that you don't "owe" them a lend of functioning anymore than you would be "owed" one if the situation was reversed. The old rule "neither a borrower or a lender be" is way more true in terms of emotional functioning than it is in terms of money. If you actually have extra to "give", you'll just do it naturally and no rotten feelings will ensue.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Happy Birthday Jenny! Sorry to hear about the downers, I hope they don't bring you down too far. Tell that H of yours to get up, quit moping, and give you the best happy Birthday Boink of your life. Enjoy the B'day.
MoJo, Happy birthday and (((((Hugs))))) to you. I am understanding a little more about Enmeagram types. My brother was depressed for a very long time when I lived with him and his W when I was in the 6 th grade, so I saw what it was like, how depression played out in the family dynamics. My very quiet brother had some ETC's. Very few drug options in 1956. It sounds like your H is doing better than my brother's condition.
Good post Mojo, I always like your openness, direct language, and creative writing. I see personal growth in the topics you post.
It is good your sister was diagnosed early, frightening situation but it sounds like you all made plans to get around some of the losses.
but also to realize "Hey, I've 'been there, done that' myself, though perhaps in a different fashion due to my own unique style of dysfunctioning.". Then you can feel free to offer them a little charity and also cut them a little slack but realize that you don't "owe" them a lend of functioning anymore than you would be "owed" one if the situation was reversed. The old rule "neither a borrower or a lender be" is way more true in terms of emotional functioning than it is in terms of money. If you actually have extra to "give", you'll just do it naturally and no rotten feelings will ensue.
That is good/freeing advice, about not owing someone something.
I also relate to the borrower/lender comment. I wonder how to be supportive and how leaning on eashother for some of our emotional support impacts our R.
Several years ago, I didn't notice when I jumped into the pit but I do know. Sometimes it is after the fact. Sometimes I notice as I am about to jump in. And sometimes I can see the pit jumping before I do it.
It takes a calm person to acquire this skill. I think you have it Mojo.
To which he replied "I am 18 so I don't need to listen to your advice anymore.". To which I replied "You are right. Good luck!". That is a tough situation to be in, son droping out. Remember MoJo, college starts 3 or 4 times a year and there are some people going half-time. Don't let anyone say they have to wait a year to start again or take X credits to be a student.
College is not like highschool. Getting a college degree is earning 1 to 4 credits at a time till the course work is finished.
I have been in classes with students that had a 24 credit load, and students that take classes that are 3 credits, where they only go every other semester.
Enjoy the B'day.